The Modern Man

What is the essence of the modern man? How can we characterize the Michelangelos - the Rembrandts - the Renaissance men of the 21st century? The Snoutbagger began to ponder this as he recently came across a letter written in 1867 during the civil war from a soldier to his wife. To understand who the modern man is we first must know who he was. Let's examine the closing passage from the soldier's letter, which is probably indicative of the manner in which men of that era communicated with women:

My Dear Amanda...

...I must close for fear I do not get to send my letter off. Write often: I will get them some time. I will write every chance, do not be uneasy when you do not get letters, for when we are scouting around as we have been it is impossible to write or to send them off if we did write. Give my love to the old Lady and all the friends. My love and a thousand kisses to my own sweet Amanda and our little boys. How my heart yearns for thou that are so near and dear to me. Goodbye my own sweet wife, for the present. 

-As ever your devoted and loving Husband, J.C. Morris

After reading this you may think that chivalry has diminished over the years. Well, let's put it to the test! Let's compare the soldier's letter to an example of contemporary communications between man and woman, provided by alleged text messages from Eldrick "Tiger" Woods to mistress Joslyn James:

Tiger: I want to be deep inside you.

Tiger: I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you.

Tiger: Hold you down while I choke you.

Tiger: You are my fucking whore.

Tiger: Then im going to tell you to shut the fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise.

Tiger: I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth.

Just a bit different, huh? After reading Tiger's sordid sexts to Ms. James I contemplated, "What is the essence of the modern man?" After careful deliberation I identified some of the characteristics that define 21st century men. Let's take a look at 50 things that define the contemporary American male, in no particular order:

The modern man...

1. Prefers playing X-Box to reading the newspaper.

2. Flirts with girls prettier than his own girlfriend.

3. Pisses in his closet while blacked out drunk.

4. Asks friends to smell his fingers after a date.

5. Farts and blames it on strangers.

6. Complains to his girlfriend that she spent $40 on a pedicure while spending $150 on beer, tequila shots, and a 2:30 AM Taco Bell run later the same day.

7. Masturbates with his dog in the same room.

8. Tips half as often and half as much as valet parking attendants expect.

9. Steals flowers off someone's desk to give them to his girlfriend under false pretenses.

10. Tells a girl she has a nice body and then complains about her flat ass and saggy tits to his friends.

11. Secretly wishes for a birthday present of "not having to get anyone else birthday or Christmas presents for the rest of the year."

12. Doesn't tell a girl when a condom slips off.

13. Proclaims that a professional athlete who makes $12 million a year is a "worthless pieces of shit" and a "complete loser" when the athlete has a bad week in fantasy football, while personally making $38,000 a year working 70 hours a week as a claims adjuster for an insurance company.

14. Believes that the only ethical guidelines restricting him from banging his best friend's sister is how hot or ugly she is.

15. Cheats on an exam and ridicules someone in the same class who ends up getting a worse grade.

16. Discusses wedding plans with his fiancé while texting his mistress that he can't wait to piss on her the next time they fuck.

17. Immediately thinks of ways to convince a girlfriend to have an abortion when she claims she's pregnant.

18. Runs up a $500 bill in phone sex charges while drunk and calls the phone company at the end of the month to scream at the operator for "charging me with calls I never made."

19. Tries to get a girl to sniff her own fingers after she tells him "I can't believe I just masturbated in front of you."

20. Doesn't know how to do an oil change but can make a bong out of a cantaloupe.

21. Calls in sick to work on Friday and Monday because he went on a four day Vegas bender.

22. Believes his girlfriend is "good enough for now."
 
23. Only showers when the chances of getting laid are above 50%.

24. Tells his girlfriend that her best friend is a stuck up bitch 30 minutes after imagining having sex with the friend while jerking off.

25. Approves when a Black man gets beaten by police for narcotic possession while sitting at home high on marijuana and watching Cops.

26. Tells a girl that he just wants to put the tip in for a second.

27. Says "no" when his girlfriend asks him if he ever wants to have sex with other women but spends 3 hours a day surfing internet porn.

28. Tries to get a strip-club bouncer to give him a discount on a cover charge because the "chicks aren't as hot here as at other strip clubs."

29. Only obeys laws in fear of getting caught.

30. Gets drunk on Jack Daniels and tells his friend's wife that her husband is "really an asshole" and that "I always thought you were beautiful" and that "we should hook up if you guys ever get divorced."

31. Marks "4" on his scorecard after getting a triple bogie.

32. Tries to convince his girlfriend that a threesome with her friend "would bring us closer together."

33. Would rather watch Adult Swim than the evening news.

34. Uses brown paper bags to wipe his ass when toilet paper runs out.

35. Eats a large pepperoni pizza in front of his girlfriend when she is on a diet.

36. Pisses on the seat at a restaurant knowing someone outside the bathroom will use it next.

37. Prays to God that a girl he brings home will let him bang her; prays to God that she'll leave when he's done.

38. Laughs at a landlord who demands $600 as a security deposit knowing full well he will cause $10,000 in damages.

39. Eats a bag of shrooms 10 minutes before going on a blind date.

40. Tips a male bartender 6%; tips a female bartender 30%.

41. Smells his hand after wiping his ass.

42. Orders Domino's Pizza while drunk and passes out 5 minutes later knowing that his girlfriend who has been asleep for 5 hours will get up and pay for it.

43. Considers it a burden to call his mother on mother's day.

44. Has eaten a burrito, talked on the phone, jerked off, or brushed his teeth while shitting on the toilet.

45. Goes to a bar with his friends and then claims he doesn't have his credit card when the bill comes.

46. Orders porn on pay-for-view at a friend's house without telling the friend.

47. Secretly feels superior when his friend's girlfriend or wife is discovered cheating on him.

48. Goes to church on Sunday after spending $250 on lap dances the night before.

49. Has driven drunk 237 times but thinks someone who gets arrested for DUI is a loser.

50. Believes self-discipline and perseverance means to puke and rally.