Best and Worst Sports Announcers

Here's a list of the Snoutbagger's favorite and most abhorred sports announcers: 10 of the best and 10 of the worst in the business...

THE BEST

Mike Patrick

There is no better play-by-play announcer for NCAA college basketball than Mike Patrick. He also excelled when he covered the NFL for ESPN on Sunday nights (with Paul McGuire and Joe Theismann, still my favorite trio for NLF games, though probably an unpopular opinion). There are few things better than hearing Patrick announce a Duke vs. North Carolina hoops game at Cameron Indoor Stadium. He's perfect.

Hubie Brown

Hubie Brown is the gold standard for NBA color announcers, period. There is no one better. There will never be one better. He's the smartest and the most informative. I almost have literally never disagreed with anything he has ever said during a broadcast. Listening to him is like taking basketball 101 - it's an education in itself. How awesome is it that a few years ago he went back to coach the Memphis Grizzlies and was named NBA coach of the year for his outstanding efforts. The next year he's back at TNT kicking ass behind the mic. He is the best ever.

Buck Martinez

Buck is probably the most obscure announcer on this list. I love him. He is another one of those announcers I would place into the "never disagree with him" category. He's intelligent, always is one step ahead of the action, and really knows baseball. When he pops up from time to time I always feel privileged to listen to him.

Kevin Harlon

Kevin Harlon does play-by-play for TNT and is the Minnesota Timberwolves full time announcer. He is great because of his enthusiasm that never comes off as forced or insincere. I can hear him now..."Kobe Bryant drives to the rim with no regard for human life!" He's definitely one of the better play-by-play guys there is. His commentary makes players seem larger than life. Gotta love him.

Vin Scully

Vin Scully is perhaps the most revered living baseball announcer. Even considering the mountain of praise he routinely receives he still might be underrated. He is baseball. I love that he broadcasts games alone, a trend that has long been uncommon. Above all else, he shines because he is always impartial. He never takes sides or shows an inkling of favoritism toward the Dodgers. There is nothing more relaxing than sitting home and watching the Dodgers lose while the consummate master Scully rolls on. The sun is setting on his career, so take a few sips of the fine wine before it's gone forever...

Clark Kellogg

Clark was one of the best NCAA hoops analysts for years. He's another one of the dudes I always agree with. He is very astute. He inherited the color commentary job during the Final Four from Billy Packer: a job he richly deserves.

David Feherty

Faherty is great on a Sunday afternoon. That Irish accent just drips golf etiquette. I love how he isn't afraid to call a spade a spade and criticize golfers too. The major tournaments wouldn't be the same without him chiming in from time to time.

Mike Tirico

Mike does NFL games and hosts various golf tournaments too. He is perhaps the best current play-by-play announcer in the NFL. Too bad he works with those two brown nosers Ron Jaworski and John Gruden. He is very underrated and should receive more accolades for his work. He's the consummate pro.

John McEnroe

Pouty John McEnroe, who sported one of the worst attitudes of all time during his playing days, has turned into the best tennis analyst on television. He tells it like it is (like we would expect him to!), but gone are the tantrums. All that's left is cogent thoughts on the best sport no one follows.

Joe Buck

Joe Buck had one of the worst talk shows of all time (his recent stint on HBO, Joe Buck Live barely lasted past the first episode - check it out to see how he handled guest Artie Lange...believe me its worth it). He was disastrous as a host. That's OK because he is the consummate pro when it comes to play-by-play. He covers both MLB and the NFL; he's very good at covering football; he's unparalleled when it comes to baseball. He is very quick to report contingencies or possible scenarios from situation to situation and often seems to know more about the game than his sidekicks. There are none better at what he does.

THE WORST

Daryl "Moose" Johnston

Moose covers NFL games, and he is the ultimate example of mediocrity. He's not that smart and it shows during his broadcasts. I can't think of anything he brings to the table of interest. He's boring.

Mark Jackson

Action Jackson is now one of TNT's main color commentators. It seems that he does every game because  he's on TV so much. He juxtaposes Jeff Van Gundy, who together are the new version of Snapper Jones and Bill Walton (one serious guy, one clown). Jackson has a strange, conservative ninnyness to him and comes off as extremely up-tight. That's not why he sucks though. He sucks because of his monotone voice and because he is B O R I N G.

Joe Morgan

One of the main reasons Joe Morgan sucks has nothing to do with him. It is because his sidekick Jon Miller constantly kisses his ass while Joe basically ignores him. Morgan has plenty of reasons why he is bad by himself though. He is a perfect example of a guy that knows all the ins and outs of baseball but doesn't have a very creative mind. The best way I can explain what I mean is to compare him to a musician who plays the notes but not the music. Also, I hate how he never changes his mind about something he's said, even when instant replay clearly shows he was in error. He typically will state that a pitch caught the edge of the plate and reiterate it when the replay shows the pitch six inches off the plate. Intolerable. I also get the feeling that he don't like-a-tha-white-people that much.

Dan Dierdorf

Dierdorf is the ultimate ass kisser and specializes in the art of the cliche. He's the only person on the planet who actually uses the term "kudos," and he uses it a lot. Boy has he gotten old over the years. The combination of Al Michaels, Frank Gifford, and Dierdorf for years on Monday Night Football was almost enough to make me eat my gun. Thank God Gifford is retired so I don't have to rail on how bad he was.

Stuart Scott

OK so Stuart Scott doesn't exactly fit the announcer roll as do the others on this list (though I think he has broadcast a few games). But his act is so tired and lame at this point he needs to be chastised here. His hosting of the multi-part series Who's More Now? on ESPN a few years back was the culmination of his idiocy (the show debated which athletes were more "now," which was Scott's lingo for "popular" - a useless and ridiculous endeavor). He hasn't been original or entertaining since he uttered "as cool as the other side of the pillow" back in the mid 1990s.

John Madden

Now retired, Madden became so played-out it is embarrassing. There is hardly a better example of someone who became a caricature of himself than Madden. He knew the game well; unfortunately he sounded like he was retarded when he tried to convey it.

Magic Johnson

Magic does color commentary for NBA games from time to time, and since he isn't really a full time regular I'll give him some slack. On second thought, I won't because he is soooo bad and full of hyperbole it is pathetic. The fact that he can't construct a grammatical sentence doesn't help either. What is it with athletes that they never evolve in their speech ability, even when they work as professional orators? Don't they try and refine their English upon knowing they will work as a professional commentator? Here's a  few quotes from Magic when he covered a past NBA dunk contest: "Larry Johnson's problem is that he be too quick," and "Well, what it is is...the crowd wanted power...and the crowd got power!! Ha ha ha!!" Brilliant.

Keith Jackson

Everyone loves Keith Jackson, who is a stalwart of NCAA football broadcasting. The emperor has no clothes. Keith Jackson hasn't pronounced a name correctly for thirty years. Anyone remember when he retired and CBS had a big special about his career? He was back the next year televising games again. That was close to 15 years ago! "The young man #53 there from...uh...Biloxi Mississippi...with the tackle." Horrible.

Chris Bermen

It pains me to place Bermen among the worst announcers, because I grew up loving him and in many ways his voice to me represents sports for my generation (back back back back back when he was tolerable). However, his act has really withered over the years. The silly names (Andre "Bad Moon" Rison, for instance) have become stale, though he continues to spew them out. His biggest flaw is his constant references to himself regarding how long he has been in the business and how long ESPN has been doing its thing. Enough. He's become really long winded too. There is no better example of someone who has diminished in quality over the years.

Tim McCarver

Putting Tim McCarver on a list of the worst announcers is sort of like putting Scarlett Johannson on a list of actresses with the sultriest voices: it's a no-brainer. He is an easy target with years of gaffs to condemn. He constantly over-analyzes baseball, and has an answer for every single thing that happens during a game. I remember him best for when Deion Sanders dumped water on him over and over. Classic.

Singletary Must Go

The San Francisco 49ers were obliterated by the Chiefs today and fell to 0-3. The Niners are the Bagger's team, so he's pissed.


Mike Singletary

 Here's what I know:

 It is time for Mike Singletary to get fired.

I never really loved the Singletary hire, but I did give him the benefit of the doubt when he inspired the Niners to a few wins after Mike Nolan was let go. But now it is evident that Singletary must go. The problem isn't his desire or passion to win, it's rather that he just isn't that smart. 


Tom Cable: The New Generation
of Dumb Shit Coach

NFL teams more and more seem to be staking their futures in the hands of ra-ra type coaches who really don't have much of an idea of how to manage a team (see Herm Edwards for a good example of a dummy ex-coach/cheerleader). Oh yes they get fired up but these reactive head coaches never win consistently. This characterizes Singletary. Consider the NFL head coaches of the past who have won the Super Bowl. Most are cerebral, calm, and collective. Think of Bill Belichick or Bill Walsh. The recent coaches have this quality too. Sean Payton is obviously an intelligent coach. Mike Tomlin seems intelligent (though I think he was a bit more lucky than good the year he won the Super Bowl). Brian Billick has an amazing football intellect. Guys like Mike Tice, Lovie Smith, Tom Cable, Romeo Crennell, and Mike Singletary are just too dumb for the job.



Mike Nolan in his Stupid Suit

 I also don't like that Singetary wears a stupid wooden cross the size of a telephone pole around his neck. What the fuck is that? No one cares about your religion, Mike, especially when your team is getting the shit kicked out of them by 30 points. Mike Nolan's suits used to piss me off in the same manner. OK bro, ya we see you in your suit on the sideline and ya we know you are a throwback and all, but how stupid did he look in that suit with his team getting their teeth kicked in every week? If you are going to try and be different than others just for difference's sake you'd better win some games.

I also don't particularly care for the fact that Singletary has a stopwatch hanging around his neck. He appears to time plays with it or something. Stupid. How many NFL head coaches are wasting their time doing such ridiculous things? It's amateur hour. It's bush league. It seems like he's thinking, "The cameras will catch me with my watch and the people will see that I am an innovative coach and this is how I will make my mark." I am just waiting for the game announcers to comment on it. I'm sure Jaws and Chucky will be all up Singletary's ass about it: "And folks, notice that Mike Singletary hasn't lost touch with the rudimentary aspects of coaching. He's hands-on with that stopwatch. He's in the trenches with the players. That's why they love playing for him folks." Ya right. That's why they love flying across the nation to get the piss knocked out of them by the Chiefs.



Not Steve Young
Not Joe Montana
Not Jeff Garcia



The Niners have other problems too (a grossly inconsistent quarterback and an offensive line as tough as wet Kleenex to name a few), but the fish stinks from the head and Singletary must go.

At 0-3 the Niners' playoff hopes look dim. The fact that they play in the shittiest division in the history of sports could help though. But god dammit many thought they would win the West this year, including me (and I am ALWAYS pessimistic about their chances).

We'll see what happens next week after the Niners get waxed by the Falcons. Unfortunately NFL head coaches are never fired until it is too late.

Purple People Eaters Eaten

Mark the Snoutbagger's words: Brett Pharv is OVER. He will enjoy one of the worst, if not the worst, years of his career this year. The Vikings dropped their season opener to the Saints in New Orleans, and the old gunslinger showed signs of what is to come this Fall. Expect a slew of forced passes up the middle and across the field that are intercepted. I predict that we will see more pick-sixes from Pharv this year than ever before. He's too old, he's too arrogant, and the speed of the NFL will finally expose these truths.

This will end up crippling Minnesota both now and later, as they have mortgaged their future by relying on Pharv at quarterback. They have no backup plan, and they soon will join the ranks of the mediocre, along with ne'er-do-wells such as Denver, Chicago, Carolina, and Arizona (that's right, I said it; the Cardinals are shitty. They were last year, and they even were two years ago when they somehow took a 9-7 record to the Superbowl).

This is also the season where Pharv's iron man record ends. He will suffer an injury that causes him to miss a start. He is a rag doll out there, and he's going to get smacked hard sometime soon.

I'll end with this thought: can we consider a NFL quarterback who has started virtually every game for 20 years one of the best ever if he only has one Superbowl ring? Hmm...

The Pig Season Begins with a Quack Attack

NCAA football is underway, thank God. I so detest August for its pre-season NFL games and NCAA football hype. Just put the pig in play already. I want to see Chris Fowler, Lee Corso, and Kirk Herbstreit discuss games that have actually been played rather than the inane speculation and debate about whether Lame Kiffin and Rich Rodriguez have character issues.

The Oregon Ducks beat the shit out of the New Mexico Lobos today, 72-0. Now that...is an ass kicking. The score was 59-0 at the HALF. I wish I could have heard the Lobos' half time speech. What do you even say at that point? What's left to say? It would have been great if OU coach Chip Kelly would have had the cheerleaders suit up for the second half while the players went into the visiting student section to pick up on the Lobos' girlfriends. I actually think the OU cheerleaders could have kept New Mexico under 59 in the second half. I truly believe this!

We'll see if the Ducks and their stupid rotating Nike wardrobe are for real soon enough.

Anyone see the catch WR Julio Jones (Alabama) made today? That might be the best we'll see all year...

Here are things I want to happen this season:

I want Big Blue to lose 6 games so I can see Rich Rodriguez slither even farther down the toilet (I'm pissed they beat UCONN today).

I want USC to lose 6 games so Lame Kiffin has to give his clothes back to the emperor who lent them to him.

I want Notre Dame to continue its string of mediocre seasons so NBC can enjoy more shittier-than-they-should-be ratings.

I think I want Alabama to lose because of Nick Saban's stoic-asshole persona, and because he was pissed when he got doused with Gatorade during last year's national championship game (seriously fucker, you just won the NCAA title...lighten the F up). But, I have always liked the Tide, and they have the second best uniforms in the nation.

I want Penn State to win it all, because Joe Pa rules and because I'm still pissed the Nittany Lions did not receive a share of the national title back in '94 when they went undefeated and had one of the best offenses in NCAA football history. I mentioned previously that 'Bama has the second best uniforms in the nation. Guess who has the best? Yup...the Nittany Lions.

I want more Smurf Turf games that mean something. I'm sold on Boise State, but shit...can we get a meaningful game after the beginning of September for once?

And lastly, I want God, Satan, Allah, Quetzalcoatl, Zeus, Odin, or whoever runs the show to please intervene and GET A FUCKING PLAYOFF IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL. I have never, ever in my 30+ years of following sports heard lamer excuses for why a playoff can't exist. College pig used to be the second biggest sport in this country, behind Major League Baseball and ahead of boxing and horse racing. There is no greater myopia in the modern era than the thought process of those who claim a playoff isn't practical, possible, or prudent. Without going into too many details, and while trying not to get too pissed off, here's a precis of what to do:

Have all NCAA schools play a max of 11 games (before the bowl season). Have 16 teams selected to the "Big Dance" and seed them 1-16 a la NCAA hoops March Madness. Let them play rounds once per week over four weeks to decide a champion (8 games week 1, 4 games week 2, 2 games week 3, national title week 4). Hold the championship game on New Years Day the way it used to be done.

Two teams end up playing 15 games. Before you say that's too many, most of the better teams play (at least) 12-13 games in this era anyway (considering conference tournaments and bowl games). Some play 14 game seasons. I doubt those that go far in my tournament scenario would care because of the boatload of TV and ticket sales cash rolling in to the school's coffers each week, and players wouldn't miss class either because it's the holiday season (another red herring supporters of the current system often argue).

There are obvioulsy sacrifices to be made, but that's inevitable in any new system. The Big Ten just split Ohio State and Michigan into separate divisions, so don't tell me about tradition keeping a system the way it is (and yes I know the Buckeyes and Wolverines will still play each other each November).

The other argument that bowl games would become meaningless with the implementation of a tournament is another stupid position. This just in: every bowl game except one is ALREADY MEANINGLESS. No one gives a shit about a BCS bowl unless it's the national championship. Keep the bowls. Who cares? There's nothing stopping schools from going to them. The only one who really cares about bowl matchups are students and almuni anyway. Really, what national interest is there in a 6-5 San Diego State team playing a 7-4 North Carolina squad in the Las Vegas Bowl?

Let's get a tournament, NCAA. You think March Madness is big? A college football tourney would make people hibernate through March until MLB opening day in April.

Big Ben Less The Raper

This just in...NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has reduced Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger's suspension for [alleged] sexual misconduct from 6 to 4 games. This is interesting considering that nothing has changed regarding the incident for which Roethlisberger was suspended. The only thing that has changed is that time has passed. I wonder if money has anything to do with this. The Roethlisberger incident and subsequent allayed outrage is indicative of a very big problem in American society. Is there no sense of decency? Shame on Goodell. Shame on the NFL. Shame on the rest of us for sins of omission.

A New Sports Blog

My friend C. Wright Parsons has a great sports blog up and running. Mets fans shouldn't miss it. Since no one will admit they follow the Mets, you can tell others you read the blog for the alternate posts...

50 Things I Love about Golf

The Masters has begun at Augusta and the Snoutbagger has been glued to the television.

I love everything about golf. I love watching it. I love playing it. I love the excitement of preparing to go to a golf course to play a round. I love getting the bag out, cleaning the spikes, and packing the cooler - all are rituals that signify a long day on the links. I love the way golf shoes feel when walking from the parking lot to the club house. Strapping the clubs to the back of the golf cart, putting the glove on, rustling the tees in your pocket - all are rites one performs regardless of where one plays.

Every golfer knows that a round of golf has a feel that changes as you play the course. The first tee is daunting, and duffers know the fear that comes with the drive off the first tee box: just make contact and hit it down the middle...just...make...contact. The third hole feels different from the first two. At this point one is warmed up, and weekend warriors wish they could hit reset to erase the two double bogies on holes 1 and 2. The 5th hole is even more sobering. It is here that you realize you won't be playing anything near scratch golf today. This is the point where many stop keeping score. It is also the point when you take a deep breath and focus on why you are playing in the first place - to be with friends, and to escape the monotony of daily life. That feeling trumps all other disappointments that accompany a golf course.

Yes, I love golf, even considering my 18+ handicap. While watching the Masters I began to think about all the reasons I love the sport. Here are more things I love...

50 things I love about golf...

1. The way the grass smells different in the morning than in the afternoon.

2. The way a ball sounds rolling around in the golf cart.

3. The way a new glove feels when putting it on.

4. How the sun moves across the sky as you wind through the course.

5. How wonderful a 250 yard drive feels, and how consistently elusive it is.

6. How only 3% of golfers actually use the seed containers attached to the golf cart to cover their divots.

7. How a ball feels after a scrub in a ball washer.

8. How pulling out and putting back clubs in the bag is way harder than it should be.

9. How everyone has that 3 iron they can't hit well, yet still use it for 25% of their shots.

10. The sound the flag stick makes when dropped onto the green.

11. The beer chick and all her wonderful sundries.

12. How golf bags only have 2-3 pockets yet that tee or ball you need is always in the last place you look.

13. Hitting the sweet spot on a club so that the ball just jumps off the clubface.

14. Those puffy lies 10 yards off the green that allow a wedge to effortlessly lift the ball 70 degrees into the air and onto the green.

15. Getting a serendipitous bounce off a cart path.

16. The quiet desperation one feels looking for a lost ball while knowing a foursome looms behind.

17. Those right-to-left 20 foot putts that trace right to the middle of the hole.

18. How you don't truly believe you hit into the water until actually seeing the ball in the pond.

19. Cleaning the mud off the grooves of a wedge with a tee.

20. A blind sand save that collapses and dies two feet from the hole.

21. How the Vardon grip is ridiculous and perfect all at the same time.

22. The way a driver's shaft vibrates after tapping the bottom of the head on the ground.

23. How a tee can jump out of the ground after a drive and end up 5 feet behind you.

24. Hitting a 9 iron to a green that is 100 yards away and 20 feet above.

25. Hitting a bump-and-run too fast off the curtain of the green only to have it hit the middle of the flag stick and fall into the hole.

26. How one can drink 18 beers on the course and somehow still feel sober.

27. All the different shades of green that define a golf course.

28. How one can spend $150 at a golf course without noticing it while a $100 dinner tab makes one feel like they were punched in the stomach.

29. Hitting a 210 yard second shot with a fairway wood and rolling the ball onto the front of the green.

30. The way the ball sounds when rattling in the hole.

31. Fading a ball around a tree on a right dog leg onto the green.

32. How being stuck behind a slow group is much less stressful than being in front of a fast group.

33. Stopping to have lunch at the clubhouse before teeing off on the back nine.

34. How the roof of a golf cart offers absolutely no protection from getting wet when driving in the rain.

35. The inevitable awkward interchange between you and the foursome ahead after hitting into them without yelling "fore."

36. Hitting the pin after a smooth 7 iron shot.

37. Thinking you've lost a ball in the rough only to find that it squirted through and lies 20 yards ahead in the fairway.

38. How a 5 iron seems to be the perfectly balanced club for loft and distance.

39. Those perfect second shots out of the rough that save a chance at par.

40. How one birdie erases the memory of 100 double pars.

41. The way a soft green feels when walking across it.

42. The way a pitching wedge can make a ball bite beyond the hole only to slide back toward it.

43. When you have to choose between an 8 and a 9 iron - the longer iron being the correct alternative - and you know it and choose correctly.

44. Hooking a ball into the trees only to have it carom perpendicularly back to the center of the fairway.

45. The way the sun bakes one's arms and face toward the end of a round.

46. The slight melancholy that accompanies the final three holes.

47. Taking a few minutes to relax in the golf cart before the 18th tee.

48. Deciding to play another 9 holes before the sun goes down.

49. The quiet ride back home, when everyone is tired and content just to sit in silence.

50. The nineteenth hole.

Sports Commandments

The Snoutbagger hates when people say stupid things about sports, or do stupid sports-related things. It seems that every day something happens in the world of sports that makes me shake my head in disbelief, whether it is a quarterback blabbering clichés like "anything can happen on any given Sunday when two teams give 110%," or a point guard claiming that "we just need to play our game." It is also infuriating when high level sports administrators do stupid things, such as when a team acquires an overrated player by sending a boatload of draft picks to another team ensuring the other team a future dynasty (you listening Minnesota Vikings?).

Closer to home, the Bagger gets quite perturbed when others spew their misguided opinions about sports at him, whether they have incorrect information, misinterpret statistics, or simply have an opinion about their favorite team that is obviously ridiculous. My friend the Turd agrees with this; both of us deal with idiots like these every day.

Here's an example: I recently overheard two nimrods in a bar arguing about the Lakers and what they should do before the trade deadline. They were misinformed, obviously had no inclination about how the NBA salary cap works, and were simply saying useless things like "the Lakers just need to get Tim Duncan or Chris Paul." Their idiocy came to a head when their debate devolved into an argument about...and I can barely type this without wetting myself...the year one of them WOULD have graduated from high school IF he hadn't dropped out. The irony was so unreal I couldn't believe it. I knew upon overhearing this debate that one can never over-estimate the moronic depths some can attain.

So, in an attempt to save morons from themselves, I created 10 sports commandments all should follow. Do so and avoid being an idiot. I'll probably have an additional entry in the future that adds to this list, because while 10 commandments may have been enough for God and Moses, it surely isn't enough to keep today's sports fans in line.

Commandment 1: Thou shalt not have more than one favorite team in any respective sport.

People who say "The Dodgers are my favorite team, but I also like the Giants because I used to live in the Bay Area" are idiots. Even in this worst case scenario of two division rivals, claiming that one likes the Knicks in the Eastern Conference and the Lakers in the Western Conference is ridiculous. It's pretty simple: you get to root for one team per sport.

Commandment 2: Thou shalt not fill out more than one NCAA Basketball Tournament bracket during March Madness.

People who fill out more than one bracket with different combinations of winners and losers, then submit them to various pools and claim they filled out an awesome bracket when one of them inevitably wins can claim no rightful place as an intelligent sports fan. This is another simple imperative: everyone gets to fill out ONE bracket. You may enter multiple tournaments, but you cannot have different selections across tournaments.

Commandment 3: Thou shalt not say a basketball player has no skills because all he can do is dunk.

This used to bother me about critics of Shaquille O'Neal who claimed, "He sucks. All he does is dunk everything." News flash: the purpose of the game is to get the ball through the hoop. If you can eliminate all margin of error by stuffing it directly through it, you aren't limited in your ability, but rather the most efficient at it.

Commandment 4: Thou shalt not arrive to a baseball game in the third inning and leave in the seventh.

California fans are notorious for this (especially for basketball and baseball). If you are a fan, get your ass to the stadium before the national anthem and keep it there until the 27th out. Same goes for basketball: don't straggle in during the first TV time out when the cheerleaders are shooting T-shirts into the stands and then leave at the beginning of the fourth quarter.

Commandment 5: Thou shalt never proclaim that "I hope it is a good game" when a favorite team is playing.

When your team is playing you do not want to see a good game. You want to see a blow-out with your team kicking the shit out of the other team. People who claim they would rather see a close, interesting game instead of a massacre when their team is playing are not true fans. All games have more at stake than simply a win or loss. The great dynasties are held to the highest standards, and eking out wins isn't one of them. To be considered great, your team generally needs to win often, and win big. If you want your team to consistently be at the highest level, beating other teams by 2 in overtime just won't cut it.

Commandment 6: Thou shalt not be a fair-weather fan.

If you have a favorite team, then it is your favorite fucking team and you must follow them regardless of how good they are. Band wagon fans are the most deplorable creatures on the planet. Fans that jump on teams' bandwagons when they are winning are probably the same people who follow fashion trends such as wearing suspenders that dangle at the waist, wearing two different colored shoes, or buying Milli Vanilli's Girl You Know It's True. Even worse, fans that abandon their team for other teams who are currently winning are the bottom feeders of the sports world.

Commandment 7: Thou shalt not claim that soccer, golf, car racing, or other similar activities are not sports.

People who think the term "sport" somehow applies to certain activities while not to others have IQs of room temperature. This argument serves no purpose, does nothing to raise or lower the legitimacy of any activity, and does not increase the reputation of those activities deemed appropriate to be considered sports. Even if it could somehow be proven true that golf is not a sport, what would that mean? That it isn't as good as football? All such notions are subjective anyway. Deconstructions of such activities show that they share more similarities than differences, so arguments about why an activity isn't a sport is futile (in golf one tries to physically move a ball from one location to another in the most efficient way possible; in football one tries to physically move a ball from one location to another in the most efficient way possible - how different).

Commandment 8: Thou shalt not claim that golfers, curlers, dart players, or similar role-players are not athletes.

This commandment follows the same logic as above. Splitting hairs about what activity qualifies one as an athlete is a moronic endeavor. If the activity involves some sort of physical action that people vary in ability by, then those people that compete in that activity are athletes. End of story. One may argue that basketball players are more athletic than golfers, but to say one is not an athlete because they shoot a bow and arrow instead of run a ball over a line is simply incorrect, by any definition of the term. Arguing who is or isn't an athlete when no conventional definition of the term exists is a fruitless venture.

Commandment 9: Thou shalt not be a homer.

A homer - a term that is derived from "home team" - is a person who can't argue objectively about his or her favorite team, but rather sees them in a positive light regardless of circumstance. Homers often claim that a player on their team should have received an MVP vote over an obviously more qualified athlete on another team, or complain that the referees gave preferential treatment to another team when it is obvious to others it wasn't so. Other pitfalls of homers are that they tend to over-estimate the value of role players on their favorite team, often seeing bit-players as all-star caliber talent. Being a homer is a common problem for the idiot sports fan; intelligent fans know their team's relative quality amidst others and avoid being overly optimistic concerning their team's prospects of winning.

Commandment 10: Thou shalt not invoke the name of God after a win.

This pertains mostly to athletes. There is nothing on this green Earth as stupid as an athlete who proclaims that "I just want to thank God for this win" after a victory. This stupidity is compounded tenfold when the game in question is not a super-bowl or championship but rather a regular season match of some sort. Does such logic imply that God made the win so? If that is the case why play the game in the first place? If God did not make it so, did he know about the end result before the game started? If not just how powerful is he in the first place? Anyone ever read Oedipus Rex? Do we really need to return to the pre-destination/freewill debate that was settled by philosophers centuries ago? Are we really to believe that God gives a shit about a division II baseball team that just won their conference tournament? Avoid or be labeled a moron, as this is perhaps the most despicable behavior in all of sports.

Tony Kornheiser Sent to the Dunce Corner?

The most recent sign the apocalypse is upon us regards Washington Post columnist and ESPN Network's Pardon The Interruption (PTI) host Tony Kornheiser. ESPN reported today that Kornheiser has been suspended for two weeks for making comments about anchorwoman Hannah Storm's choice of on-air clothing. Storm, a colleague of Kornheiser, anchors the morning edition of SportsCenter on ESPN TV. Kornheiser was quoted saying that an outfit Storm wore was "horrifying," that it looked like "sausage casing," and that her "Catholic school plaid skirt" was "way too short for someone in her 40s and maybe 50s" (Storm is 47).

Disregarding the circular (il)logic of ESPN reporting their own employee's suspension (ESPN has more and more come to create its own news while forgetting that a sports news network should focus on events outside Bristol, Connecticut), such an act blows the door wide open for what is considered heresy in sports journalism. After all, isn't it sort of Kornheiser's job to essentially say compelling and controversial things (he is not an anchor; he's a columnist)? Additionally, any regular watcher of PTI has heard him utter far worse about the physical appearance of various athletes. He usually does so while juxtaposing the comment with a self-defacing dig at himself; such banter is part of his unique wit and wisdom.

Concerning the suspension, last I checked defamatory speech against another is only slander if it is false. It makes more sense to suspend Kornheiser for getting his facts wrong: the thigh high boots and cellophane tube tops Storm usually wears are bad taste for anyone older than 21, let alone someone on the wrong side of 40. Maybe the ugly truth hits ESPN a little too close to home. They know that most of her outfits require two hairdos.

While some may be baffled as to why ESPN took such action, it isn't unheard of in this day in age to censor sports journalists. In 2003 the Boston Globe suspended veteran columnist Bob Ryan for a month without pay for saying that NBA point guard Jason Kidd's wife needed someone to "smack her." While I disliked Ryan's suspension too (not for the injustice of the punishment but because I missed his brilliant commentary), at least Ryan's comments were clearly inappropriate. But back to Kornheiser: who exactly is ESPN kow-towing to by suspending him? What ramifications would come from ignoring this alleged misdeed? After all, who are they really punishing other than themselves? Can you imagine FOX suspending Simon Cowell for similar comments on American Idol? I guess ESPN thinks SportsCenter is on the same level as National Public Radio. How ironic on a network that broadcasts shows like SportsNation, Timbersports, and the Bassmaster Classic.

Maybe ESPN should change the lenses on their studio cameras; the focus seems fuzzy regarding who should wear the Scarlet E. After all, they have plenty of ex-athletes on their payroll with pasts so checkered they make Kornheiser's comments toward Storm seem like a marriage proposal (e.g. Michael Irvin). Maybe new lenses would also help them see how silly Storm looks over-dramatically swooshing her hair from side to side and slinking around the studio in garb most strippers would find risque. At times the viewer isn't sure if she is reporting the news or getting ready to give co-anchor Josh Elliott a lap dance.

This new morality ESPN seems to be exhibiting exposes a serious problem. ESPN simply cannot be everything it wants to be. It can't purport to offer candid and objective commentary on its right hand while censoring it with its left. Why has ESPN become such a ninny? Nine letters: NFL, NBA, MLB. The network has huge contracts with each organization regarding broadcast rights, creating a conflict of interest regarding open and honest criticism toward these leagues (and other things) from its on-air talent. The owners and commissioners of these businesses do not like to be called out or questioned, and ESPN wants to control its employees so as not to embarrass their constituents. So, they nip things in the bud and strive to maintain a squeaky clean image. You might not see a direct connection between Kornheiser's punishment being publicized and ESPN sharing a bed with the major sports entities, but one is embedded in the other. Kornheiser's sanction is the result of ESPN's new paranoia regarding any sort of behavior not towing the company line.

Anyway, the pain of losing Tony for half a month on PTI is eased thanks to Dan Lebatard (Miami Herald) and the litany of other talented hosts who will sit in his absence. Nevertheless, what a stupid world it is that puts an all-star like Kornheiser on the 15 day DL while a mediocre journeyman (Storm) starts at center field. Way to work it through ESPN: political correctness 1, sense and reason 0.

Worst Franchise in Sports? Nominations For the Golden Turd (NBA Edition)

The Saints won the Super Bowl and have (at least temporarily) shook off their reputation as one of the worst franchises in NFL history. Denizens of the Superdome no longer don paper bags now that Drew Brees, Tracy Porter, Jeremy Shockey, and Reggie Bush have brought respect to the French Quarter.

So, if the Saints have emerged from the depths of the pro sports abyss, who now remains? What franchise is ready to step in and stake their rightful claim as the shittiest organization in sports? Let's consider the candidates, across the major sports. The winner receives the abhorred Golden Turd award, the antithesis to such coveted brass as the Lombardo trophy or Stanley Cup. I discuss the Golden Turd candidates in separate entries, each dedicated to one sport. I begin with the NBA.

The NBA has many teams which could potentially deserve the Golden Turd. Let's whittle the list to two contenders, who together have enjoyed a steady culture of failure over the past decades. I exclude choices that seem obvious, like the Nets (the Nets actually made the playoffs six years in a row from 2002-2007) and Bucks (who on average made the playoffs every other year or so since 1999). I also exclude newer franchises like the Bobcats, Grizzlies (worst winning percentage of all time at 33% but did make the playoffs three years in a row from '04-'06 - thanks Hubie Brown), and Raptors (in the playoffs every third year). It seems even the lowly NBA franchises sneak in a bit of success from time to time...all but two teams...the Clippers and the Warriors.

The Clippers
First let's examine the Los Angeles Clippers, who many would assume could order a marble stanchion for The Turd in advance. Their most condemning statistic: four playoff appearances since 1976. I'll repeat just to show it isn't a typo: FOUR playoffs in 34 years, when they weren't even the Clippers but the Buffalo Braves. This in a league where more than half its teams make the playoffs, bad teams are rewarded with blue chip players via the draft, and free agency has allowed teams to pilfer each other's talent without losing talent of their own. All this in one of the biggest markets in the nation (even Kobe Bryant strongly considered signing with them a few years back). Their historical winning percentage is second to last (36%), right in front of the aforementioned Grizz. While one should consider that the Clips are a relatively new franchise (appx. 40 years in the league), these facts still baffle.

Anecdotal evidence for sending The Turd to L.A. shows continual ineffectiveness and bad luck regarding draft picks. Recent examples of bad luck include Blake Griffin blowing out his knee days prior to the '09 season, and Shaun Livingston's patella taking a vacation on the other side of his knee in one of the freakiest sports injuries ever (go ahead and YouTube it: enjoy the nightmares, and if you are a basketball player just try and participate in pre-game lay-up drills again). Ineffective and/or stupid moves include the Danny Ferry fiasco, drafting Michael Olowokandi (passing on Vince Carter, Dirk Nowitzki, and Paul Pierce) and Benoit Benjamin (Karl Malone available 10 picks later...oops). The list goes on and on.

We won't get into all decisions owner Donald Sterling has made over the years, but having 12 coaches over a twenty year period is hardly a stable atmosphere in which to foster a winning culture. Ironically, they probably should have had twice as many coaches, firing them two times a year: once before the all-star break (when the team is inevitably 13-35), and at the end of the season (at the draft lottery when David Stern proclaims, "The [insert first, second, or third] pick in the [insert year] draft goes to..." while placing a card with a red and blue logo on the board). This strategy couldn't make them any worse. It seems the only reason the Clippers could lose the nomination for the Golden Turd to the Warriors is that they simply find a way to lose anything they compete for.

The Warriors
Next up is the Golden State Warriors. It's going to be tough to earn the Golden Turd considering the mountain of evidence for the Clippers, but fear not, the Warriors can compete. the Warriors have a slightly better franchise win percentage, but are still in the bottom third all time. They do have 3 NBA titles (the most recent being 1975, probably before anyone reading this was born). Good players, even hall of famers, have played for them...but not recently. And by recently I mean not in the last...er...twenty plus years.

Let's begin with the draft. The Warriors are to the draft what Stridex pads are to zits: both promise improvements to appearance, confidence, and success toward achieving a goal. Unfortunately, the draft only rarely guarantees success (see draft years 1985, 1987, 1997, 2003 as isolated cases where the overall #1 pick significantly and instantly improved a team's future over the long hall). Likewise, Stridex pads don't really work too well as those that have acne simply have acne which keeps returning. Both inevitably do nothing except leave one with less money and a glimmer of hope that the next draft - or next pad - will work. Even considering that building a team via the draft is a dubious proposition at best, some teams have done quite well in this domain. Just not the Warriors...

Since the Warriors have been in the draft lottery as much as any other team the past twenty years (they missed the playoffs 15 out of the last 16 years, and have only made 6 appearances the past 33 years) it seems logical that they would have a roster bloated with all-stars like LeBron James, Chris Bosh, Chris Paul, Dwight Howard, Carmelo Anthony, and Dwayne Wade. The Warriors have had high draft selections right? So they should have at least two or three of these players, right? Wrong. The past few drafts have delivered Stephen Curry, Anthony Randolph (who?), and Monte Ellis (taken #40 overall). That's really it. Seriously. How could they be so bad and not have any bona fide game changing talent? They don't for two reasons: 1. When they do get talent that talent finds its way to other teams via trades or free agency (why are they traded? Because they hate playing there so much they mope or choke their coach), and 2. they haven't selected a player on the caliber of a LeBron, Carmelo, or CP3 for a l o n g t i m e.

Now, before continuing the discussion of the Warrior's draft foibles, also consider the fact that they have only reached the 50 win plateau once since 1975 (they won 50 in '93-'94, a magical season by their standards when the future looked bright: Chris Webber won rookie of the year, Latrell Sprewell was named first-team all-NBA, and injured veterans Chris Mullin and Tim Hardaway were expected to return the following year. Athlon magazine predicted them to win the NBA finals the next year [seriously!]). That's 35 years with only one 50 win season. Deplorable, and in this day in age almost impossible.

Now back to the draft, the Warrior's true Achilles heal. Here's a quick list of number one picks that either fizzled, were busts, or - most devastating to the franchise - were traded for inferior players: Chris Washburn, Mitch Richmond (traded for Billy Owens - great at dribbling with his left hand but nothing else), Webber/Anfernee Hardaway (swapped for each other on draft day, both were A+ players at one point in their careers: a year after the draft the warriors had neither (but...wait for it...had Tom Gugliotta instead), Joe Smith (Antonio McDyess, Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, and Kevin Garnett were taken in succession after Smith), Todd Fuller (a snore taken at#11, with Kobe Bryant, Peja Stojakovic, Steve Nash, and Jermaine O'Neal still available), Adonal Foyle (taken #8; an injury free 18 year old named Tracy McGrady was selected #9), Vince Carter (traded on draft day to the Raptors), and Mike Dunleavey Jr. (taken at #3? Really? Who needs Amare Staudamire, Tayshaun Prince, or Caron Butler?). There are other questionable selections too, but the previous were either high lottery selections (top 5) or questionable considering who was on the board. Bottom line: Misguided draft selections have mired the Warriors and led them to where they are now...competing for The Turd.

Other evidence: coaching. While the Warriors haven't had quite the coaching carousel as the Clippers over the past few decades, they have done the unconscionable: hiring back an aging coach who didn't win there previously. Of course I refer to Don Nelson, who presently is only a few games behind Lenny Wilkins as the NBA's all time winningest coach. This fact is baffling considering the fact that Nellie has coached the Warriors a combined 11 seasons (see prior stat regarding the dearth of 50 win seasons). Nellie has amassed these numbers by sheer hanging around long enough. To his credit, he did have admirable years with the Mavericks in the mid 2000s, but fell short of winning it all. Everyone likes Nellie, as well they should, but one cannot seriously consider him a great coach given his overall lack of success. Why the Warriors hang on to him is a complete mystery. Nelson is a classic example of a coach who makes a bad team good, but cannot make a good team great (see Rick Adelman, Jerry Sloan, Mike Fratello, George Karl and (with the exception of Detroit '03-'04, which might exclude him here) Larry Brown for examples.

Intangible evidence for the Golden Turd includes the fact that Golden State is seriously off the national radar screen. At least the Clippers are in a major market. I bet there are many fans - and not just casual fans - living on the east coast or in the Midwest who do not know the city where the Warriors play. They are in the basement of the NBA hierarchy, notoriety, and exposure. No one outside of the bay area knows what the Warriors are up to; those in the bay area wish they didn't know. Most simply default to the position that they sucked, suck, and will suck (rightly so).

Finally...Nominating the NBA's Frontrunner for the Golden Turd.
Considering the evidence provided here for each franchise and the countless other reasons why each should win (one could fill fifty million tomes with compelling reasons for both), the NBA's nomination for the Golden Turd can be awarded only to...

The Los Angeles Clippers.

It's a photo finish, but what pushes the Clips over the line is simply their national reputation. The Warriors are horrible, and the evidence is strong for them deserving The Turd, but no one really cares about the Warriors, for good or bad. The Clippers are national fodder for folly.

The final nail in the Clippers' coffin: They share their arena with the Lakers. They have to play home games in an arena with their rival's myriad championship banners and retired numbers looming in the backdrop. Even the seats in the Staples Center are color coordinated to match the Lakers. The Staples Center makes the Clippers cuckolds to the Lakers. This is such a pathetic fact that if The Turd had wheels it would roll itself onto center court of the Clippers' first pre-season game without assistance.

In my mind I imagine negotiations between Lakers' owner Dr. Jerry Buss and Donald Sterling regarding sharing space in the Staples Center going down in similar fashion to the scene in The Waterboy when bully coach Red Beaulieu (Jerry Reed) demanded Coach Klein's (Henry Winkler) playbook, saying that "Things are going to get awfully physical" if Klein didn't relinquish his plays. Buss is Beaulieu and Sterling is Klein. Sterling, like Klein, is the one left insane and crying to his mom on the phone as the camera pans down to show him wearing high heel pumps with the phone cord unattached and dangling at his side.

Yes, the Clippers are a doomed franchise, one so bad the Gods themselves seem against them. A combination of apathy, mismanagement, damning luck, and the constant reminder of what they are not (the Lakers) make this decision easy.

Congratulations Clippers...you've earned the NBA nomination for the Golden Turd. We'll see how they fair against representatives from the NFL and MLB later.