The Saints won the Super Bowl and have (at least temporarily) shook off their reputation as one of the worst franchises in NFL history. Denizens of the Superdome no longer don paper bags now that Drew Brees, Tracy Porter, Jeremy Shockey, and Reggie Bush have brought respect to the French Quarter.
So, if the Saints have emerged from the depths of the pro sports abyss, who now remains? What franchise is ready to step in and stake their rightful claim as the shittiest organization in sports? Let's consider the candidates, across the major sports. The winner receives the abhorred Golden Turd award, the antithesis to such coveted brass as the Lombardo trophy or Stanley Cup. I discuss the Golden Turd candidates in separate entries, each dedicated to one sport. I begin with the NBA.
The NBA has many teams which could potentially deserve the Golden Turd. Let's whittle the list to two contenders, who together have enjoyed a steady culture of failure over the past decades. I exclude choices that seem obvious, like the Nets (the Nets actually made the playoffs six years in a row from 2002-2007) and Bucks (who on average made the playoffs every other year or so since 1999). I also exclude newer franchises like the Bobcats, Grizzlies (worst winning percentage of all time at 33% but did make the playoffs three years in a row from '04-'06 - thanks Hubie Brown), and Raptors (in the playoffs every third year). It seems even the lowly NBA franchises sneak in a bit of success from time to time...all but two teams...the Clippers and the Warriors.
The Clippers
First let's examine the Los Angeles Clippers, who many would assume could order a marble stanchion for The Turd in advance. Their most condemning statistic: four playoff appearances since 1976. I'll repeat just to show it isn't a typo: FOUR playoffs in 34 years, when they weren't even the Clippers but the Buffalo Braves. This in a league where more than half its teams make the playoffs, bad teams are rewarded with blue chip players via the draft, and free agency has allowed teams to pilfer each other's talent without losing talent of their own. All this in one of the biggest markets in the nation (even Kobe Bryant strongly considered signing with them a few years back). Their historical winning percentage is second to last (36%), right in front of the aforementioned Grizz. While one should consider that the Clips are a relatively new franchise (appx. 40 years in the league), these facts still baffle.
Anecdotal evidence for sending The Turd to L.A. shows continual ineffectiveness and bad luck regarding draft picks. Recent examples of bad luck include Blake Griffin blowing out his knee days prior to the '09 season, and Shaun Livingston's patella taking a vacation on the other side of his knee in one of the freakiest sports injuries ever (go ahead and YouTube it: enjoy the nightmares, and if you are a basketball player just try and participate in pre-game lay-up drills again). Ineffective and/or stupid moves include the Danny Ferry fiasco, drafting Michael Olowokandi (passing on Vince Carter, Dirk Nowitzki, and Paul Pierce) and Benoit Benjamin (Karl Malone available 10 picks later...oops). The list goes on and on.
We won't get into all decisions owner Donald Sterling has made over the years, but having 12 coaches over a twenty year period is hardly a stable atmosphere in which to foster a winning culture. Ironically, they probably should have had twice as many coaches, firing them two times a year: once before the all-star break (when the team is inevitably 13-35), and at the end of the season (at the draft lottery when David Stern proclaims, "The [insert first, second, or third] pick in the [insert year] draft goes to..." while placing a card with a red and blue logo on the board). This strategy couldn't make them any worse. It seems the only reason the Clippers could lose the nomination for the Golden Turd to the Warriors is that they simply find a way to lose anything they compete for.
The Warriors
Next up is the Golden State Warriors. It's going to be tough to earn the Golden Turd considering the mountain of evidence for the Clippers, but fear not, the Warriors can compete. the Warriors have a slightly better franchise win percentage, but are still in the bottom third all time. They do have 3 NBA titles (the most recent being 1975, probably before anyone reading this was born). Good players, even hall of famers, have played for them...but not recently. And by recently I mean not in the last...er...twenty plus years.
Let's begin with the draft. The Warriors are to the draft what Stridex pads are to zits: both promise improvements to appearance, confidence, and success toward achieving a goal. Unfortunately, the draft only rarely guarantees success (see draft years 1985, 1987, 1997, 2003 as isolated cases where the overall #1 pick significantly and instantly improved a team's future over the long hall). Likewise, Stridex pads don't really work too well as those that have acne simply have acne which keeps returning. Both inevitably do nothing except leave one with less money and a glimmer of hope that the next draft - or next pad - will work. Even considering that building a team via the draft is a dubious proposition at best, some teams have done quite well in this domain. Just not the Warriors...
Since the Warriors have been in the draft lottery as much as any other team the past twenty years (they missed the playoffs 15 out of the last 16 years, and have only made 6 appearances the past 33 years) it seems logical that they would have a roster bloated with all-stars like LeBron James, Chris Bosh, Chris Paul, Dwight Howard, Carmelo Anthony, and Dwayne Wade. The Warriors have had high draft selections right? So they should have at least two or three of these players, right? Wrong. The past few drafts have delivered Stephen Curry, Anthony Randolph (who?), and Monte Ellis (taken #40 overall). That's really it. Seriously. How could they be so bad and not have any bona fide game changing talent? They don't for two reasons: 1. When they do get talent that talent finds its way to other teams via trades or free agency (why are they traded? Because they hate playing there so much they mope or choke their coach), and 2. they haven't selected a player on the caliber of a LeBron, Carmelo, or CP3 for a l o n g t i m e.
Now, before continuing the discussion of the Warrior's draft foibles, also consider the fact that they have only reached the 50 win plateau once since 1975 (they won 50 in '93-'94, a magical season by their standards when the future looked bright: Chris Webber won rookie of the year, Latrell Sprewell was named first-team all-NBA, and injured veterans Chris Mullin and Tim Hardaway were expected to return the following year. Athlon magazine predicted them to win the NBA finals the next year [seriously!]). That's 35 years with only one 50 win season. Deplorable, and in this day in age almost impossible.
Now back to the draft, the Warrior's true Achilles heal. Here's a quick list of number one picks that either fizzled, were busts, or - most devastating to the franchise - were traded for inferior players: Chris Washburn, Mitch Richmond (traded for Billy Owens - great at dribbling with his left hand but nothing else), Webber/Anfernee Hardaway (swapped for each other on draft day, both were A+ players at one point in their careers: a year after the draft the warriors had neither (but...wait for it...had Tom Gugliotta instead), Joe Smith (Antonio McDyess, Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, and Kevin Garnett were taken in succession after Smith), Todd Fuller (a snore taken at#11, with Kobe Bryant, Peja Stojakovic, Steve Nash, and Jermaine O'Neal still available), Adonal Foyle (taken #8; an injury free 18 year old named Tracy McGrady was selected #9), Vince Carter (traded on draft day to the Raptors), and Mike Dunleavey Jr. (taken at #3? Really? Who needs Amare Staudamire, Tayshaun Prince, or Caron Butler?). There are other questionable selections too, but the previous were either high lottery selections (top 5) or questionable considering who was on the board. Bottom line: Misguided draft selections have mired the Warriors and led them to where they are now...competing for The Turd.
Other evidence: coaching. While the Warriors haven't had quite the coaching carousel as the Clippers over the past few decades, they have done the unconscionable: hiring back an aging coach who didn't win there previously. Of course I refer to Don Nelson, who presently is only a few games behind Lenny Wilkins as the NBA's all time winningest coach. This fact is baffling considering the fact that Nellie has coached the Warriors a combined 11 seasons (see prior stat regarding the dearth of 50 win seasons). Nellie has amassed these numbers by sheer hanging around long enough. To his credit, he did have admirable years with the Mavericks in the mid 2000s, but fell short of winning it all. Everyone likes Nellie, as well they should, but one cannot seriously consider him a great coach given his overall lack of success. Why the Warriors hang on to him is a complete mystery. Nelson is a classic example of a coach who makes a bad team good, but cannot make a good team great (see Rick Adelman, Jerry Sloan, Mike Fratello, George Karl and (with the exception of Detroit '03-'04, which might exclude him here) Larry Brown for examples.
Intangible evidence for the Golden Turd includes the fact that Golden State is seriously off the national radar screen. At least the Clippers are in a major market. I bet there are many fans - and not just casual fans - living on the east coast or in the Midwest who do not know the city where the Warriors play. They are in the basement of the NBA hierarchy, notoriety, and exposure. No one outside of the bay area knows what the Warriors are up to; those in the bay area wish they didn't know. Most simply default to the position that they sucked, suck, and will suck (rightly so).
Finally...Nominating the NBA's Frontrunner for the Golden Turd.
Considering the evidence provided here for each franchise and the countless other reasons why each should win (one could fill fifty million tomes with compelling reasons for both), the NBA's nomination for the Golden Turd can be awarded only to...
The Los Angeles Clippers.
It's a photo finish, but what pushes the Clips over the line is simply their national reputation. The Warriors are horrible, and the evidence is strong for them deserving The Turd, but no one really cares about the Warriors, for good or bad. The Clippers are national fodder for folly.
The final nail in the Clippers' coffin: They share their arena with the Lakers. They have to play home games in an arena with their rival's myriad championship banners and retired numbers looming in the backdrop. Even the seats in the Staples Center are color coordinated to match the Lakers. The Staples Center makes the Clippers cuckolds to the Lakers. This is such a pathetic fact that if The Turd had wheels it would roll itself onto center court of the Clippers' first pre-season game without assistance.
In my mind I imagine negotiations between Lakers' owner Dr. Jerry Buss and Donald Sterling regarding sharing space in the Staples Center going down in similar fashion to the scene in The Waterboy when bully coach Red Beaulieu (Jerry Reed) demanded Coach Klein's (Henry Winkler) playbook, saying that "Things are going to get awfully physical" if Klein didn't relinquish his plays. Buss is Beaulieu and Sterling is Klein. Sterling, like Klein, is the one left insane and crying to his mom on the phone as the camera pans down to show him wearing high heel pumps with the phone cord unattached and dangling at his side.
Yes, the Clippers are a doomed franchise, one so bad the Gods themselves seem against them. A combination of apathy, mismanagement, damning luck, and the constant reminder of what they are not (the Lakers) make this decision easy.
Congratulations Clippers...you've earned the NBA nomination for the Golden Turd. We'll see how they fair against representatives from the NFL and MLB later.
So, if the Saints have emerged from the depths of the pro sports abyss, who now remains? What franchise is ready to step in and stake their rightful claim as the shittiest organization in sports? Let's consider the candidates, across the major sports. The winner receives the abhorred Golden Turd award, the antithesis to such coveted brass as the Lombardo trophy or Stanley Cup. I discuss the Golden Turd candidates in separate entries, each dedicated to one sport. I begin with the NBA.
The NBA has many teams which could potentially deserve the Golden Turd. Let's whittle the list to two contenders, who together have enjoyed a steady culture of failure over the past decades. I exclude choices that seem obvious, like the Nets (the Nets actually made the playoffs six years in a row from 2002-2007) and Bucks (who on average made the playoffs every other year or so since 1999). I also exclude newer franchises like the Bobcats, Grizzlies (worst winning percentage of all time at 33% but did make the playoffs three years in a row from '04-'06 - thanks Hubie Brown), and Raptors (in the playoffs every third year). It seems even the lowly NBA franchises sneak in a bit of success from time to time...all but two teams...the Clippers and the Warriors.
The Clippers
First let's examine the Los Angeles Clippers, who many would assume could order a marble stanchion for The Turd in advance. Their most condemning statistic: four playoff appearances since 1976. I'll repeat just to show it isn't a typo: FOUR playoffs in 34 years, when they weren't even the Clippers but the Buffalo Braves. This in a league where more than half its teams make the playoffs, bad teams are rewarded with blue chip players via the draft, and free agency has allowed teams to pilfer each other's talent without losing talent of their own. All this in one of the biggest markets in the nation (even Kobe Bryant strongly considered signing with them a few years back). Their historical winning percentage is second to last (36%), right in front of the aforementioned Grizz. While one should consider that the Clips are a relatively new franchise (appx. 40 years in the league), these facts still baffle.
Anecdotal evidence for sending The Turd to L.A. shows continual ineffectiveness and bad luck regarding draft picks. Recent examples of bad luck include Blake Griffin blowing out his knee days prior to the '09 season, and Shaun Livingston's patella taking a vacation on the other side of his knee in one of the freakiest sports injuries ever (go ahead and YouTube it: enjoy the nightmares, and if you are a basketball player just try and participate in pre-game lay-up drills again). Ineffective and/or stupid moves include the Danny Ferry fiasco, drafting Michael Olowokandi (passing on Vince Carter, Dirk Nowitzki, and Paul Pierce) and Benoit Benjamin (Karl Malone available 10 picks later...oops). The list goes on and on.
We won't get into all decisions owner Donald Sterling has made over the years, but having 12 coaches over a twenty year period is hardly a stable atmosphere in which to foster a winning culture. Ironically, they probably should have had twice as many coaches, firing them two times a year: once before the all-star break (when the team is inevitably 13-35), and at the end of the season (at the draft lottery when David Stern proclaims, "The [insert first, second, or third] pick in the [insert year] draft goes to..." while placing a card with a red and blue logo on the board). This strategy couldn't make them any worse. It seems the only reason the Clippers could lose the nomination for the Golden Turd to the Warriors is that they simply find a way to lose anything they compete for.
The Warriors
Next up is the Golden State Warriors. It's going to be tough to earn the Golden Turd considering the mountain of evidence for the Clippers, but fear not, the Warriors can compete. the Warriors have a slightly better franchise win percentage, but are still in the bottom third all time. They do have 3 NBA titles (the most recent being 1975, probably before anyone reading this was born). Good players, even hall of famers, have played for them...but not recently. And by recently I mean not in the last...er...twenty plus years.
Let's begin with the draft. The Warriors are to the draft what Stridex pads are to zits: both promise improvements to appearance, confidence, and success toward achieving a goal. Unfortunately, the draft only rarely guarantees success (see draft years 1985, 1987, 1997, 2003 as isolated cases where the overall #1 pick significantly and instantly improved a team's future over the long hall). Likewise, Stridex pads don't really work too well as those that have acne simply have acne which keeps returning. Both inevitably do nothing except leave one with less money and a glimmer of hope that the next draft - or next pad - will work. Even considering that building a team via the draft is a dubious proposition at best, some teams have done quite well in this domain. Just not the Warriors...
Since the Warriors have been in the draft lottery as much as any other team the past twenty years (they missed the playoffs 15 out of the last 16 years, and have only made 6 appearances the past 33 years) it seems logical that they would have a roster bloated with all-stars like LeBron James, Chris Bosh, Chris Paul, Dwight Howard, Carmelo Anthony, and Dwayne Wade. The Warriors have had high draft selections right? So they should have at least two or three of these players, right? Wrong. The past few drafts have delivered Stephen Curry, Anthony Randolph (who?), and Monte Ellis (taken #40 overall). That's really it. Seriously. How could they be so bad and not have any bona fide game changing talent? They don't for two reasons: 1. When they do get talent that talent finds its way to other teams via trades or free agency (why are they traded? Because they hate playing there so much they mope or choke their coach), and 2. they haven't selected a player on the caliber of a LeBron, Carmelo, or CP3 for a l o n g t i m e.
Now, before continuing the discussion of the Warrior's draft foibles, also consider the fact that they have only reached the 50 win plateau once since 1975 (they won 50 in '93-'94, a magical season by their standards when the future looked bright: Chris Webber won rookie of the year, Latrell Sprewell was named first-team all-NBA, and injured veterans Chris Mullin and Tim Hardaway were expected to return the following year. Athlon magazine predicted them to win the NBA finals the next year [seriously!]). That's 35 years with only one 50 win season. Deplorable, and in this day in age almost impossible.
Now back to the draft, the Warrior's true Achilles heal. Here's a quick list of number one picks that either fizzled, were busts, or - most devastating to the franchise - were traded for inferior players: Chris Washburn, Mitch Richmond (traded for Billy Owens - great at dribbling with his left hand but nothing else), Webber/Anfernee Hardaway (swapped for each other on draft day, both were A+ players at one point in their careers: a year after the draft the warriors had neither (but...wait for it...had Tom Gugliotta instead), Joe Smith (Antonio McDyess, Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, and Kevin Garnett were taken in succession after Smith), Todd Fuller (a snore taken at#11, with Kobe Bryant, Peja Stojakovic, Steve Nash, and Jermaine O'Neal still available), Adonal Foyle (taken #8; an injury free 18 year old named Tracy McGrady was selected #9), Vince Carter (traded on draft day to the Raptors), and Mike Dunleavey Jr. (taken at #3? Really? Who needs Amare Staudamire, Tayshaun Prince, or Caron Butler?). There are other questionable selections too, but the previous were either high lottery selections (top 5) or questionable considering who was on the board. Bottom line: Misguided draft selections have mired the Warriors and led them to where they are now...competing for The Turd.
Other evidence: coaching. While the Warriors haven't had quite the coaching carousel as the Clippers over the past few decades, they have done the unconscionable: hiring back an aging coach who didn't win there previously. Of course I refer to Don Nelson, who presently is only a few games behind Lenny Wilkins as the NBA's all time winningest coach. This fact is baffling considering the fact that Nellie has coached the Warriors a combined 11 seasons (see prior stat regarding the dearth of 50 win seasons). Nellie has amassed these numbers by sheer hanging around long enough. To his credit, he did have admirable years with the Mavericks in the mid 2000s, but fell short of winning it all. Everyone likes Nellie, as well they should, but one cannot seriously consider him a great coach given his overall lack of success. Why the Warriors hang on to him is a complete mystery. Nelson is a classic example of a coach who makes a bad team good, but cannot make a good team great (see Rick Adelman, Jerry Sloan, Mike Fratello, George Karl and (with the exception of Detroit '03-'04, which might exclude him here) Larry Brown for examples.
Intangible evidence for the Golden Turd includes the fact that Golden State is seriously off the national radar screen. At least the Clippers are in a major market. I bet there are many fans - and not just casual fans - living on the east coast or in the Midwest who do not know the city where the Warriors play. They are in the basement of the NBA hierarchy, notoriety, and exposure. No one outside of the bay area knows what the Warriors are up to; those in the bay area wish they didn't know. Most simply default to the position that they sucked, suck, and will suck (rightly so).
Finally...Nominating the NBA's Frontrunner for the Golden Turd.
Considering the evidence provided here for each franchise and the countless other reasons why each should win (one could fill fifty million tomes with compelling reasons for both), the NBA's nomination for the Golden Turd can be awarded only to...
The Los Angeles Clippers.
It's a photo finish, but what pushes the Clips over the line is simply their national reputation. The Warriors are horrible, and the evidence is strong for them deserving The Turd, but no one really cares about the Warriors, for good or bad. The Clippers are national fodder for folly.
The final nail in the Clippers' coffin: They share their arena with the Lakers. They have to play home games in an arena with their rival's myriad championship banners and retired numbers looming in the backdrop. Even the seats in the Staples Center are color coordinated to match the Lakers. The Staples Center makes the Clippers cuckolds to the Lakers. This is such a pathetic fact that if The Turd had wheels it would roll itself onto center court of the Clippers' first pre-season game without assistance.
In my mind I imagine negotiations between Lakers' owner Dr. Jerry Buss and Donald Sterling regarding sharing space in the Staples Center going down in similar fashion to the scene in The Waterboy when bully coach Red Beaulieu (Jerry Reed) demanded Coach Klein's (Henry Winkler) playbook, saying that "Things are going to get awfully physical" if Klein didn't relinquish his plays. Buss is Beaulieu and Sterling is Klein. Sterling, like Klein, is the one left insane and crying to his mom on the phone as the camera pans down to show him wearing high heel pumps with the phone cord unattached and dangling at his side.
Yes, the Clippers are a doomed franchise, one so bad the Gods themselves seem against them. A combination of apathy, mismanagement, damning luck, and the constant reminder of what they are not (the Lakers) make this decision easy.
Congratulations Clippers...you've earned the NBA nomination for the Golden Turd. We'll see how they fair against representatives from the NFL and MLB later.
