The Snoutbagger answers your emails!
I get tons of emails from fans around the world asking for advice. I take time to respond to those who need me the most...
"Bag Man...So I need some wisdom pronto. I have been laying down bocu bucks on NFL games this season, and so far I have lost upwards of ten grand. I put g's on the Vikings and Cowboys to win and the Buccaneers and Chiefs to lose. I figured those were locks. Now these fuckers are hassling me to pay them their money, but I am flat busted. I'm getting scared that they mean business because they already ran my girlfriend off the road when she was driving to work. She crashed into a phone pole and suffered a broken clavicle, shattered knee cap, and a punctured lung. I got a call from an anonymous caller later saying that I'll be the next to crash my car if I don't pay. I'm freaked and need to make some quick cash. Any suggestions?"
-Jimmy G., Tempe, AZ.
Jimmy: You have a few options. The first thing I suggest is to keep betting. I know of two sure things this weekend: Take the Lions at Minnesota - they're due a victory. Brett Favre hasn't lost to the Lions the last 18 games he's started against them. Such a streak must come to an end sometime. Also, the Bills are going to upset the Patriots in New England. The Pats will be all depressed coming off their loss to the Jets. Trust me, Tom Brady can't see with that hippy mop on his head and Buffalo loves to play spoiler to the Pats. If you can't scrape together enough dough to place the bets I advise leaving your house and never returning. It sounds like you're going to need a new girlfriend, because the one you have now seems rather broken and unusable. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise...a way to make a clean start. Perhaps move to Laughlin, Nevada. That should be a good place to lamb it while you get your shit together. There you can be free of the gambling influences that have led you astray in Arizona. -SB
"Snoutbagger: I desperately need your help! I want to ask this girl I know to the prom but I know if I do my friends will make fun of me. You see, this girl I like is a bit on the plump side, and she wears one of those shoes with the real think sole because one of her legs is longer than the other one. Anyway, I really want to ask her but I know it will be the end of my reputation at my high school. Any advice?"
-Jeff S., Houston, Texas
Jeff: Don't let your friend's jealousy dissuade you from finding happiness. It sounds like your girl is the grateful type, and those tend to let you do way more stuff. If you are seriously worried about your reputation and looking the fool, perhaps you should listen to your friends, avoid asking this girl out, and spend some time trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you. -SB
"Hello Snoutbagger. Fall is coming and I wanted to know if you have any decorating tips for around the house. My fiance and I recently moved in together and we have a limited budget. I would like to impress his family when they visit for the holidays, but don't know what to do. Can you assist?"
-Debbie M., Alexandria, Virginia
Debbie: The first thing you should do is choose a base color as a foundation for your decor. Since the Autumn months loom, you may want to emphasize browns, dark yellows, and muted oranges. Don't be afraid to wander into a second hand store for ideas. They often sell used candles, wreathes, seasonal napkins, and area rugs that may suit your taste (and you'll save $ too!). Also, don't pass up stores like Target or even 99 cent stores; you'd be surprised how much you can get for under 20 bucks! Be sure to involve your man too - shopping for your first home can be a great way to bond together. -SB
"Mr. Bagger: I write to you in fear that my husband may be having an affair, and I need an honest man's perspective. I try to tell myself I am being paranoid, but with every passing day I find new reasons to worry. My husband claims he has to work late all the time. When he comes home (usually at 2-3 AM), he is distant and immediately goes upstairs to take a shower. I convinced myself that this wasn't unusual behavior, because I would probably feel pretty filthy too after being at work all day and night, but then the other night he was out until 4:30. I pretended I was asleep, and he doesn't know what I saw. When he came up to bed he went over to our bathroom, which is an open area adjacent to our master bedroom. He had one foot on the floor and one on the bathroom counter next to the sink, and he spent 15 minutes thoroughly washing his genitals, using 3 wash cloths. I then secretly followed him as he went downstairs and deposited the wash cloths in the outside trash cans. Last month he came back from an out of town conference; he smelled like vanilla body lotion and had glitter all over his pants. Am I over reacting? My mother says I should try to spice up our marriage by taking a trip, but when I bring it up he says he just wants to rest during the weekend. I decided to write you when I found a temporary parking permit for a female dormitory at a local college in his wallet. It was time stamped 12:47 AM. Am I crazy? Please help!"
-Gwen S., San Jose, CA
Gwen: Be careful jumping to conclusions! As far as I can tell you don't have any hard evidence of any indiscretions by your husband. First off, vanilla and glitter are the stuff of children, so don't speculate about wrong doing there. It seems to me that you should feel blessed that your husband cares enough about you to shower before bed! Lord knows Mrs. Snoutbagger gets more than a bit peeved at my three-day-per-shower credo. I would focus on what makes you happy and forget about worrying about your husband. The extra money he's earning working late might just be to fund a secret second honeymoon... -SB
Fans of The Snout Bag can contact the Snoutbagger by email: snoutbagger@gmail.com
