The Snoutbagger recently purchased a few cases of
Sierra Nevada's annual
Bigfoot barleywine ale. As he quaffed the potent mead, he wondered, "What liquors give ye the fiercest hangover?" Let us examine those evil incarnates that wreak havoc on one's soul. What type of the creature packs the biggest wallop? We'll rank the Snoutbagger's 10 worst hangovers and the liquors responsible for them, starting with the tenth worst and leading up to the first.
*Disclaimer: do not under any circumstance attempt to replicate ANY of these.
10. Tequila Sunrise
The tequila sunrise is made with tequila, orange juice, and grenadine. It is perhaps an odd drink to include here, as most people haven't had one, or if they have they usually don't drink more than 1 or 2 at a sitting. However, the hangover that occurs after drinking 12 of them is absolutely intolerable. The sun sets pretty damn fast on your hopes to feel good after drinking them in large quantities. There is something about ingesting sugar along with alcohol that the body cannot process. And tequila sunrises have
a lot of sugar. Besides drinking about 2 gallons of orange juice, the Snoutbagger also ended up drinking almost an entire bottle of grenadine. He can barely say it out loud without retching. When the real sunrise came the Snoutbagger felt like his soul was laced with Cuervo and pixie stix. The hangover from this is like a 24 hour bout with the worst case of diabetes on record. Guess what drink the Snoutbagger has never had since? That's right, the tequila sunrise. Hangover rating: 8.3/10
9. Gilbey's Gin and Cherry Kool-Aid
I hate Snoop Dog and his miscreant band of hoodlums for introducing the noxious concoction gin and juice back in the early nineties. What a horrible, wretched drink. No one drinks it any more, do they? I wonder why. Ever hear someone order gin and juice in a bar? No? It's because people who go to bars would rather drink afterbirth than gin and juice.
Gilbey's gin mixed with cherry
Kool-Aid lowers the bar even further. What is the one way to make a hard liquor hangover even worse?
Low quality hard liquor and
low quality mixers. Your first inclination that liquor is shitty is if the bottle bounces off the floor when you drop it; if it comes in a plastic container, chances are it is fermented from dead corpses, rat entrails, and mung. There are some types of liquor that are adequately drinkable in their cheapest form (not many mind you), but let me tell you friend,
gin ain't one of them. Bad gin is absolutely horrible. Dump a few bottles of shitty gin into a metal cauldron filled with red sugar water, have a bunch of frat dudes schlep it out back of their frat house, let it sit in the sun for seven hours while birds shit in it, and you have the most disgusting, revolting liquid possible. The Snoutbagger's sox are still stained red because he puked on his feet back in '93. Hangover rating: 8.7/10
8. The Unhappy Triad
Orthopedic surgeons have a name for severe knee injuries which simultaneously sever the anterior cruciate ligament, meniscus, and medial collateral ligament:
the unhappy triad. The eighth worst possible hangover results from a similar tragedy; it is created by combining three types of alcohol. Just as kids learn not to mix acids and bases in chemistry class, the Snoutbagger learned a painful lesson regarding mixing booze. What is particularly interesting is that each type of alcohol by themselves is virtually innocuous. It is only together that they transform into something terrible. Note that in addition to the
type of liquor involved in the triad, one must also consume them in proper
order. There is a catalyst too. To experience this hangover, first drink about 1/3 of a box of
Franzia white zinfandel. Next, drink 8-10 bottles of lukewarm
Michelob Genuine Draft. Next comes the catalyst: smoke a cheap cigar, like
Swisher Sweets or something. After that, drink a bottle and a half of champagne. If you get it all down without puking (the Snoutbagger couldn't), you might die. Even if you do puke, enjoy the morning after. You'll never drink white zin again. Hangover rating: 8.9/10
7. Hooper's Hooch
The Snoutbagger is lucky to have avoided
Hooper's Hooch most of his life.
Hooper's Hooch is an alcopop, or a combination of soda pop and alcohol. The Bagger used to see it on the shelf at the store, and usually passed it over (wisely) in preference of something else. However the
Hooch did find its way into the Bagger's maw one time, and the ramifications were bad. Its sugary essence makes you feel in similar fashion to the tequila sunrise described previously. A man the Bagger knows well got carried away one evening and drank a 12 pack of
Hooper's Hooch and tried to fuck his cousin. The
Hooch made him put his hand on her leg and say, "Here's where I want my hand. I want it here, or maybe higher up." The
Hooch turns you into an incestuous letch, and should be avoided. Luckily for the Snoutbagger, he has no cousins. Hangover rating: 9.0/10
6. Platte Valley Corn Whiskey
Platte Valley Whiskey causes a tough hangover, especially considering that is isn't particularly strong for hard liquor. It ranks smack dab on the average at 80 proof, same as
Jim Beam and
Jack Daniels. Take a look at the dude on the bottle though, and you instantly realize that this potion is something to be reckoned with. His face is how your face looks after polishing this jug off. It comes with a cork stopper, which of course you lose after a few sips, causing you to finish the entire contents in one sitting. The Snoutbagger experienced a blistering hangover after sharing a jug with a friend. I must disclose that I was already shithoused at the point I began drinking
Platte Valley, whence my friend surreptitiously presented the demon jug while slurring, "I bought this today to send to my -hic- friend in Colorado...fuck him...let's -hic- drink it ourselves." We downed it in about forty minutes. We both were DJs at a radio station (our show was called
The Early Morning Bungus Show), and our shift ran from 8:00-11:00 the next morning. We finished the
Platte Valley at around 3:30 am, passed out about 5:15, and somehow got up and staggered to work at 7:45. I still remember we were so hung over that my friend slept on the floor of the booth while I sat on the toilet and rested my face against the bathroom stall. Truly hoboesque. Luckily we had Henry Rollins'
Human Butt CD playing on repeat so we didn't have to worry about changing music. It turned out to be one of our better shows. We definitely put more effort into it than usual. Bottom line,
Platte Valley will beat the shit out of you; beware. Hangover rating: 9.1/10
5. Goldschlager
First things first, the
Goldschlager of today is not the same as
Goldschlager of yesteryear, and there is a BIG difference. Its proof today is 87; it was originally
107. That, my friends, is the difference between passing out peacefully and kicking your girlfriend in the stomach as the cops drag you to jail. 107 proof
Schlager was a beast, and allowed even the heartiest of drinkers a well deserved morning of hell after a binge. The Snoutbagger once drank 8 shots in a row, after about 7 or 8 beers, then projectile vomited in a bar bathroom. By some impossibility of physics, puke actually ended up on the bathroom ceiling (I shit you not). The story goes like this...the Bagger and a friend were drinking at the bar, and started ordering shots of the gold succubus. After we had six each, I ordered another round. The bar chick delivered two more and the friend proclaimed in a glassy-eyed stupor, "I can't do it...I need to leave." The Snoutbagger proceeded to finish both shots, which soon led to the puking. The friend spent the next two days on the bathroom floor (he couldn't drink for shit); the Snoutbagger was an usher in a wedding at 11:00 the next morning. Nonetheless, more than a few lonely minutes were spent in the church apart from others while the Snoutbagger dealt with the gold mine churning in his liver. The Bagger felt like he ate 1000
Atomic Fireball jawbreakers that had been soaking in rubbing alcohol. People of today don't know what a bottle of 107 proof
Goldschlager is capable of. Hangover rating: 9.2/10
4. Mad Dog 20/20
Mad Dog, a fortified wine, is a horrible combination of rotten grapes, stomach bile, and shame. It comes in assorted flavors with names similar to the crayons found in a box of
Crayola 64. The Snoutbagger once consumed 2 1/2 bottles of
Banana Red (other classy flavors include
Lightening Creek, Kiwi Strawberry, and Orange Jubilee). What occurred next is only appropriate to reveal to a priest under the pretense of confidentiality. Let's just say that the Snoutbagger's behavior was two degrees better than that of his friend (let's call him Satan) who drank the same amount but had a half a bag of
Red Man snuff to boot (pun intended, because that fucker booted like a sick animal). Hangover rating: 9.4/10
3. Cisco
Ah, devil Cisco. This drink is probably the closest one can get to liquid heroin without doing 20 years in prison. The warning on the label that "This is not a wine cooler" and that it "Serves 8" was not heeded by the Snoutbagger, and he and his cronies used to imbibe this wretched horror regularly. There is a period of time in one's life when they are strapped for cash and can only afford to spend around 3 dollars on alcohol. It is in these dark times when one finds themselves grabbing bottles of Cisco. The government should really outlaw this stuff. Many of the bagger's friends ended up pissing on strangers' doors or falling into water fountains after a night of Cisco. One person ran amuck and kicked a bicycle tire until it looked like a warped record. Its consistency is sort of like cough syrup and it tastes like
Smarties candy if it were marinated in paint thinner. Who cares that there are multiple flavors, after three swigs you're so drunk you can't tell the difference. Expect a hangover so intense you can't get out of bed the next day. Hangover rating 9.6/10
2. Wild Blue Blueberry Lager
This wretched swill makes you feel like your insides have been coated with rubber cement. After drinking 8 of these one night, the Bagger could not bear to finish his 9th and let it be on the coffee table. The next morning, after waking to one of the worst cases of the horrors ever, he dumped the rest down the drain. He was appalled when he saw the color of the tepid ale: it looks like a combination of raspberry vinaigrette salad dressing and octopus ink. Let me save you a trip to the store to sample
Wild Blue. Just imagine adding purple food coloring to your car's motor oil, then driving cross country and back 50 times; then imagine laying under your car, unplugging the oil drain, and letting the liquid slide down your throat hole. The feeling you'd get after that is about twice as good as what happens after consuming this stuff. This libation, above all else made the Snoutbagger feel some of the worse pangs of nausea to date. Hangover rating: 9.7/10
1. Hutterite Moonshine
I'm not even sure if this liquor is legal in the United States. It certainly isn't regulated by the FDA. The Hutterites are a group of people indigenous to northern U.S. and Canadian territories. They are of German descent, similar to the Amish, and live communally on colonies. The Snoutbagger is close friends with an elder living on a colony in Montana (like you care, let's get to the booze). Hutterites make their own moonshine. It's a fortified wine made from rhubarb - I estimate it to be between 35-40 proof. It packs a major wallop, and tastes sort of like gasoline mixed with packs of
Splenda. They drink it like wine, but it really isn't possible to do so for very long because of the high alcohol content; you get so fucked up you start hallucinating nymphs and sprites playing in the granaries. A buddy and I once tried a game similar to the 100 shot club using Hutterite moonshine rather than beer, throwing in the towel after about 20 shots. The hangover that emerged was legendary. A Hutterite matriarch once told me tales of elders who wandered into quicksand mires because they believed God would keep them from drowning. As the Snoutbagger matured he figured such stories were probably the result of a few barrels of rhubarb moonshine gone missing. Hutterites are the most generous people on earth; they shower you with gifts of food and goodies when you visit them. Last time I visited one of the women snuck me a few jars of the shine; I didn't know whether to drink it or to pour it into my lawnmower. Yes, Hutterite moonshine is what gives lonely shepherds knowledge of their flock. Avoid and survive. Hangover rating: 9.8/10
