80s Movie Smack-Off (Part 3)

We're now half way through the first round of the 80s Movie Smack-Off; winners from brackets 1 and 2 are in the second round (see part 1 and 2 in previous posts). Let the madness continue as we look to Bracket 3: the "B. A. Baracus" bracket. Here are the movies and their corresponding seeds for round 1 of Bracket 3:

Bracket 3 (B. A. Baracus Bracket)

1. Caddyshack
16. Mannequin

8. The Princess Bride
9. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

5. Ghostbusters
12. Coming to America

4. Throw Momma from the Train
13. Amazon Women on the Moon

6. The Goonies
11. Top Secret!

3. Porky's
14. Bachelor Party

7. Trading Places
10. Weekend at Bernie's

2. Weird Science
15. See No Evil, Hear No Evil

Round 1 Results: B. A. Baracus Bracket

A 16 seed has never upset a 1 seed in the NCAA tournament. But, there's always a first for everything. Our first major upset of the Smack-Off...sorry...I can't keep a straight face. Does anyone really think Mannequin has a shot against Caddyshack? Andrew McCarthy (Jonathan Switcher) plays his typical 80s role in Mannequin (the woe-is-me underappreciated yutz), accompanied by a dashing young Kim Cattrall (Emma Hesire). It's debatable as to who is the better actress, Cattrall or her plastic body-double. Mannequin also features a gay Black guy (Hollywood Montrose, played by Meshach Taylor) who stuffs as many cliche's as possible into 15 minutes of screen time. Mannequin deserves a place in the pantheon of 80s cinema, but Caddyshack is Odin and Zeus combined. Mannequin has Claire Timkin (Estelle Geddy); Caddyshack has Spalding (John F. Barman Jr.). 'Nuff said. Caddyshack destroys Mannequin 101-71 (extra credit for those who can name the teams and year of the NCAA championship game that ended in this score, the largest margin of victory ever).

The 8/9 seed is tougher to call. Both The Princess Bride and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure veer off the path a bit from typical 80s movies. Each are only loosely based on any real world we live in, so they are logical rivals here. Every girl I ever met loves The Princess Bride. I never understood this because it features many things women generally don't appreciate, like slap stick humor, professional wrestlers, and albinos. I guess Westley's (Cary Elwes) good looks and the storybook plot are the reason. Princess Bride is a classic fairytale with an 80s spin, and it has a lot of memorable lines and characters (even though Billy Crystal (Miracle Max) has only had about two jobs since). Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure elevated Keanu Reeves (Ted Logan) to lofty heights (Reeves likely didn't need a script for the role), and casting George Carlin (Rufus) is always a good choice (see Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back for an example). In the end, the shenanigans in Bill and Ted aren't enough to stop The Princess Bride. The committee got this seeding right; Princess Bride wins by 5.

Ghostbusters (#5) vs. Coming to America (#12) is another close match up. One could go either way here. Ghostbusters was huge when it was in theaters, had a massive marketing campaign, features a catchy song which still remains popular, and shines as one of the best comedies of the 80s. Coming to America didn't have quite the impact when it was released, but really encompasses the era in which it is set. Eddy Murphy (Akeem et al.) and Arsenio Hall (Semmi et al.) are good in their roles, though Murphy as Akeem is quite stale - he shines more playing the supporting characters. Eriq La Salle (Deryl Jenks) is fantastic as the jerry-curled sleaze bag, and a slew of hot Black chicks are showcased too (including porn star Midori). Ghostbusters is sort of the all-star game for 80s comedies; Bill Murray (Peter Venkman), Dan Aykroyd (Raymond Stantz), Harold Ramis (Egon Spengler), and Rick Moranis (Louis Tully) are all at the peaks of their careers. Sigourney Weaver (Dana Barrett) is her usual "sexy yet hideous" self. Both movies have great moments (a favorite in Coming to America is when riches-to-rags brothers Randolph (Ralph Bellamy) and Mortimer (Don Ameche) Duke from Trading Places are found living on the street: "We're back!" The landlord (Frankie Faison) is classic too. Ghostbusters wins in the end though, as Coming to America ultimately fails in its not-so-subtle attempt at social commentary. One gets the same feeling watching Coming to America as watching The Cosby Show: Both are just too consumed with social class in greater society and such attention distracts from what both really are: just entertainment. On a side note, it is interesting that Black entertainers seem to have identified material possessions as the most salient indicator of high society. One wonders if Coming to America was the impetus behind 1990s rap videos that invariably featured Black men (and women) wearing gaudy fur coats, drinking Crown Royal (really? crappy swill signifies making it in America?), and brandishing hundred dollar bills. Eddy Murphy and Bill Cosby are really up-tight about greater social issues; unfortunately neither are in an industry that gives a shit. While Coming to America is a great comedy chock full of funny moments, Ghostbusters wins by 1 by staying true to itself.

The 4 vs. 13 seeds are Throw Momma from the Train and Amazon Women on the Moon. Throw Momma features Danny DeVito (Owen) and Billy Crystal (Larry), and of course Momma (Anne Ramsey). Momma is a dark comedy, which gives it bonus points in my book, but it doesn't quite have the laughs per minute as does most other movies in the Smack-Off. Billy Crystal doesn't help much; he has to be one of the most overrated comics ever (my room in Hell will have When Harry Met Sally playing on loop). Amazon Women on the Moon is a slightly obscure movie in the style of Kentucky Fried Movie or the Groove Tube. One who hasn't seen Amazon Women would be surprised by the cast - it seems to co-star everyone from the era (e.g. Arsenio Hall, Michelle Pfeifer, Griffin Dunne, Joe Pantoliano, David Alan Grier, Rosanna Arquette, Steve Guttenburg, Ed Begley Jr., Andrew Dice Clay, and Carrie Fisher to name a few). It features a series of unrelated sketches interlaced between the "main" plotline, where a crew of astronauts discovers a species of women who inhabit the moon (this is actually about 40 thousand times funnier than it sounds). The main plot makes up about 15% of the entire movie, which really just jumps from sketch to sketch. It is a classic comedy of the era, and never gets old. Amazon Women on the Moon gets the major upset here; it throws Momma out of the Smack-Off, 73-62.

The 6/11 match up features The Goonies taking on Top Secret!. These are tough to compare head to head as they are completely different brands of humor. The Goonies is a family-oriented movie that all ages can appreciate; Top Secret! is a silly pre-cursor to the stupid movie genre which flourished in the 90s and 2000s (e.g. Hot Shots, Loaded Weapon, Scary Movie, and Fatal Instinct). Both are great for different reasons. Some of the humor in Top Secret! is so forced it misses, but other moments are among the funniest ever. If you doubt this, go back and watch the sequence when Nigel (Christopher Villiers) crawls into a cow costume in order to infiltrate a guarded compound - tell me the footage of the (real) cow running in combat boots isn't the funniest thing you've ever seen. The Goonies features mostly child actors, including Corey Feldman (Mouth), Sean Austin (Mikey), and Josh Brolin (Brandin). Ya gotta love the 80s Asian stereotyping too, a la Sixteen Candles, Gung Ho, and Caddyshack (Jonathan Ke Quan as Data is classic). Anne Ramsey makes her second appearance in this bracket as a wretched mother, playing the lovely Mama Fratelli. The Goonies gets the nailbiter win, mostly because it just is a better movie than Top Secret!. The Goonies remains one of the gems of the 80s, which is why it wins by 6.

Porky's (#3) vs. Bachelor Party (#14) is a great match between two unabashedly male comedies. These movies weren't made for chicks; they're for dudes. Porky's, while deserving a place among 80s folklore, just doesn't have quite the bang for all the attention it has received. Apart from the ample T and A Porky's is known for, it is really just an average movie, and grossly overrated. Bachelor Party however succeeds in all its glory; Tom Hanks (Rick Gassko) plays his usual snarky pre-Philadelphia/Gump self. Bachelor Party also provides evidence for how hot Tawny Kitaen (Debbie Thompson) was before Chuck Finley (ex LA Angels pitcher) dumped her (yes kids, she actually did more than cartwheels on David Coverdale's car). Rick's boozebag pals are great too, providing a nice homage to a time when it was acceptable in some circles to be a doctor or professional and tell others you looked forward to a night of banging hookers and snorting blow. Bachelor Party even hits a three-pointer before the half when the donkey dies from eating quaaludes and doing bumps of coke. Bachelor Party gets the upset, and wins 74-61.

The 7 and 10 seeds pit Trading Places against Weekend at Bernie's. This is a tough match up. Trading Places is one of the first Saturday Night Live spin-off movies, and really holds up well over the years. It goes without saying that Eddie Murphy (Billy Ray Valentine) and Dan Aykroyd (Louis Winthorpe III) are perfect in their role-reversals, and Trading Places has that scene every boy from the 80s remembers: when Ophelia (Jamie Lee Curtis) takes her top off to reveal her tits! (Who cares if her hair looked like your little brother's). I'm sure more than one betamax player's pause button fell off due to that sequence. Weekend at Bernie's is a great film to use as a barometer for understanding someone's personality; if they like it, chances are they also laugh at their own farts, construct pyramids out of Keystone Ice beer cans, and ask friends to smell their fingers after a date. Those who watched Seinfeld may remember the episode when Kramer recommends Weekend at Bernie's to Elaine; her reaction probably represents the reaction 90% of the women who saw it have: that 90 minutes of their life had been eradicated for no good reason. But, Andrew McCarthy (Larry Wilson) and Jonathan Silverman (Richard Parker) are awesome together in Weekend at Bernie's. Another thing that is great about Weekend at Bernie's is Bernie Lomax himself (Terry Kiser), particularly in the first few minutes of the film when he is alive. If you haven't seen it in awhile you may have forgotten his character before he was murdered; go back and see how slick he was as the asshole shyster. Nonetheless, Trading Places is far superior in all facets, and wins this match in a rout 77-52.

The last match up for round 1 of Bracket 3 is Weird Science (#2) vs. (#15) See No Evil, Hear No Evil. Weird Science is perhaps the most prototypical 80s comedy ever; it's silly, has 80s staples Anthony Michael Hall (Gary Wallace) and Robert Downey Jr. (Ian), and of course sexpot Kelly LeBrock (Lisa) before she got fat. Weird Science is easy to defend here, it follows the typical 70s/80s storyline of the coming of age teenager who gets the girl (e.g. My Tutor, Last American Virgin, Can't Buy Me Love, or Mischief) while weaving supernatural zaniness throughout. See No Evil, Hear No Evil is really good too. Its clever plot regarding a blind dude and deaf dude who witness a murder is great, and the casting of Richard Pryor (Wally Karue) and Gene Wilder (Dave Lyons) together caps a nice sequence of movies for the duo. It was one of Pryor's last significant movies (Harlem Nights, also released in 1989, was his last cinematic appearance of any stature due to his struggle with multiple sclerosis). The clever writing in Evil doesn't stop Weird Science though. Weird Science has characters who wear bras on their heads. Weird Science wins here by 10, and moves on to round 2.

That wraps it up for round 1 of the B. A. Baracus bracket. Caddyshack, The Princess Bride, Ghostbusters, Amazon Women on the Moon, The Goonies, Bachelor Party, Trading Places, and Weird Science all survive and move on to round 2. Check back on March 15 to see how round 1 for Bracket 4 (the "Rocky Dennis Bracket") breaks down.