80s Movie Smack-Off (Part 4)

It's time to continue the 80s Movie Smack-Off! The Snoutbagger is in the midst of discovering the greatest 1980s comedy movie, in the spirit of March Madness and the NCAA basketball tournament. Check previous postings (Parts 1-3) for details and round 1 results regarding Brackets 1-3.

The Snoutbagger is proud to be an influence on his buddy C. Wright Parsons, who is currently running a Smack-Off of his own to discover the best music album of all time. It's intelligent and compelling; check it out here.

Also, let us take a moment to mourn the recent death of Corey Haim, who Bracket 1 is eponymously named for. Maybe Nancy Reagan was actually on to something when she proclaimed we should just say no. Or maybe Haim just had some demons few of us will ever understand. Anyway, Lucas will be missed.

This week we complete round 1 by examining Bracket 4, the "Rocky Dennis" Bracket. Here are the movies and their corresponding seeds for Bracket 4:

Bracket 4 (Rocky Dennis Bracket)

1. National Lampoon's Vacation
16. Stakeout

8. Beverly Hills Cop
9. Beetlejuice

5. Raising Arizona
12. Strange Brew

4. Three Amigos
13. I'm Gonna Get You Sucka

6. Twins
11. Zapped!

3. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
14. Summer Rental

7. Splash
10. UHF

2. Sixteen Candles
15. Soul Man

Round 1 Results: Rocky Dennis Bracket

The first match is between National Lampoon's Vacation and Stakeout. Vacation is the well deserving 1 seed here, as it is a classic example of 80s cinema. Stakeout was probably more popular in the theater than Vacation, which is strange considering that Vacation is a million times better than Stakeout (sorry, no suspense here). Stakeout is an entertaining movie, somehow making Richard Dreyfus (Detective Chris Lecce) the guy who gets the girl rather than Emilio Estevez (Detective Bill Reimners), but against Vacation it is Wofford playing Kentucky. Vacation is one of those movies that increasingly gained popularity after its theatrical release, sort of like The Shawshank Redemption. Word of mouth and countless VHS rentals made Vacation one of this decade's most identifiable comedies. In Stakeout, Estevez's moustache seems weird so soon after movies like St. Elmo's Fire and Breakfast Club, but Madeleine Stowe (Maria McGuire) is nice to look at. Vacation just features way too much. Chevy Chase (Clark Griswold), Anthony Michael Hall (Rusty Griswold), and Beverly D'Angelo (Ellen Griswold) sink the simple plot of Stakeout; Vacation breezes into round 2.

The 8/9 seeds feature two very different comedies, each popular for different reasons. Beverly Hills Cop (#8) is Eddie Murphy's (Axel Foley) tour de force; he was at the acme of his popularity here, and was probably the most successful comedian of the era. It seems so long ago, but Murphy was Hollywood platinum. He literally couldn't miss (er, well forgetting The Golden Child). Beetlejuice is a weirdo movie with a young Alec Baldwin (Adam Maitland), an older-than-you-probably-think Geena Davis (Barbara Maitland), a very very young Winona Ryder (Lydia Deetz), and Michael Keaton (Beetlejuice) in one of his last comedic roles (don't believe me? Check out his resume after Beetlejuice; the only comedies he stars in are the underrated The Dream Team and Multiplicity). Beetlejuice is so strange it inevitably sticks in your mind, and its originality makes it highly watchable today. It certainly has stood the test of time better than Beverly Hills Cop, which is a melange of 80s cliche's and pop culture. This is a hard match to call, because both movies are very funny. Beverly Hills Cop is as much of a drama as a comedy, but that's OK because the comic element is so great. Beverly Hills Cop gets the squeaker win here, because CBS basketball bellwether Billy Packer accosted the referee at the buzzer claiming that Beetlejuice's foot was on the line when it completed a three point shot with 5 seconds left in regulation. The shot is ruled no good, Packer dies of a stroke, and Beverly Hills Cop wins by 2.

The 5/12 match up is between Raising Arizona and Strange Brew. In some ways it is unfair to have a Cohen brothers' movie in the Smack-Off (Raising Arizona), because they are usually superior in all facets to just about any other movie. That being said, Raising Arizona is a comedy, and it's from the 80s, so here it is. It is your one chance to see Nicholas Cage (H.I. McDunnough) in a quality performance (please don't say Leaving Lost Vegas - go see it again and witness overacting at its finest). Strange Brew is funny too, even though it is not as finely woven or intricate as Raising Arizona. Bob (Rick Moranis) and Dave McKenzie (Dave Thomas) drink a lot of beer and have a cool flying dog named Hosehead. It is amazing that Max Von Sydow (Brewmeister Smith) stars in Strange Brew; his resume reveals him to be more a heavy weight of international cinema than beerfart slob-comedies. Strange Brew is good for a few laughs while pounding a case of Molson Golden, but Raising Arizona is the far better comedy. The cast of characters in Raising Arizona is just too great (even against those awesome storm-trooper hockey players in Strange Brew), and the sheer ridiculousness of the dialogue is perfect ("When there was no meat, we ate foul; when there was no foul, we ate crawdad; when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand"). The Raising Arizona sandstorm smothers Strange Brew 83-69.

The 3 vs. 14 seeds include Three Amigos and I'm Gonna Get You Sucka!. Three Amigos is another movie that features a cast of 80s all-stars. Steve Martin (Lucky Day), Chevy Chase (Dusty Bottoms), and Martin Short (Ned Nederlander) all do themselves pretty well playing a trio of Hollywood dipshits amongst a silly plot and novel setting. I'm Gonna Get You Sucka! is similar to Hollywood Shuffle, both in style and in cast. I'm Gonna Get You Sucka! doesn't have quite the charm of Hollywood Shuffle, but there are plenty of great moments. How can a movie with Isaac Hayes (Hammer) and Jim Brown (Slammer) not be awesome? Bonus points for those who remember a young Chris Rock (How much for yo' ribs? $2.50!?!?). Three Amigos shines too though, and a great performance by Alfonso Arau (El Guapo) flies under the radar. The scene in Sucka where Anne-Marie Johnson (Cherry) takes off her wig and prosthetic leg is funny as hell, as are all scenes featuring the duo of Damon Wayons (Leonard) and Kadeem Hardison (Willie). This is a very tough match to call, but Three Amigos gets the win for one reason...the singing bush. Three Amigos has a bush...that sings. Did you know that musician Randy Newman was the voice of the singing bush? Now you do. The singing bush is funnier than a bucket of snorkels (why is that funny? Have you ever seen a bucket of snorkels?), and Three Amigos merilee rolls along to the second round.

Twins (#6) and Zapped (#11) make up the next match. Twins was of course much more popular than Zapped!, and made a boatload more money. Twins features the Governor of California (Julius Benedict) and Danny DeVito (Vincent Benedict), both intentionally opposite in physical stature. Julius is supposedly the ideal human being, but God has a funny way of evening the balance because the actor who plays Julius speaks like he fell asleep with his head in a microwave oven. DeVito is his usual diminutive and snarky self. Twins is watchable, but not especially re-watchable. Thankfully it features a 26 year old Kelly Preston (Marnie Mason), who is as good looking as ANY girl in ANY movie EVER. Too bad in real life she is a hard-core Scientologist who married a dude who looks like he was dipped in wax and left in the sun for 3000 years (recall that God evens things out!). Did I mention how hot Kelly Preston was in 1988? Moving on, Zapped! is a classic low-budget 80s laugher starring Scott Baio (Barney Springboro). It's great that his buddy Peyton Nichols (Willie Aames) took time off the Charles in Charge set to make Zapped! with Baio. They practically were in every project either appeared in (or at least it seemed that way). Zapped! certainly isn't a great movie, but if I were to ask myself right now whether I would rather see Twins or Zapped!, I would whole-heartedly choose Zapped!. Guess that means that Zapped! kicks the snot out of Twins and wins this match by 11.

The next match is between 3 seed Ferris Bueller's Day Off and 14 seed Summer Rental. Ferris is one of the ultimate 80s nostalgia pieces; everyone loves this movie (as well they should). Summer Rental is another John Candy (Jack Chester) flick, though not one of his strongest. Summer Rental does have some good moments (like when Jack's next door neighbor shows him her breasts, or the dynamic between Candy and asshole yachtsman Al Pellet (Richard Crenna)). Summer Rental runs out of gas though, and the last 20 minutes are generally laughless. Summer Rental is an example of one of those movies that takes its stupid plot too seriously. Many of the Saturday Night Live spinoffs suffer in this regard: they worry too much about wrapping up the story (which no one cares about) than the reason people are watching in the first place (to laugh their asses off at the jokes and snappy dialogue). See A Night at the Roxbury, Superstar, and Stuart Saves His Family for examples of this. Ferris Bueller's Day Off has countless memorable scenes. The hippy garage attendant (Richard Edson) is classic, as is Jonathan Schmock as the Chez Quis maitre d' ("leave before I get snooty!..."). I'm still trying to figure out if Sloan Peterson (Mira Sara) was super hot or just good enough. I guess she was pretty hot. She's definitely hotter than Cameron's (Alan Ruck) girlfriend (ya he doesn't have one - look at the big brains on you!). One could go on and on about Ferris, but there's no need: it smashes Summer Rental and wins by 32.

The 7/10 seedings pit the mainstream pleaser Splash against "who the fuck has seen" UHF. If you haven't seen UHF, get your ass to Netflix and get it. It stars Weird Al (George Neuman) and a very, very young and raw Michael Richards (Stanley Spadowski) in one of his best unknown roles. This is pre-Seinfeld and pre-"All of you are niggers!" Richards, and he really shines in this movie. UHF is great in the same way that Amazon Women on the Moon is great: relatively few people have seen either of them, but they are better than most mainstream comedies. This is true in this match up, as the underdog UHF beats up on Spash big time. Splash was never one of my favorite 80s movies. It is here where one begins to see the inklings of the future Tom Hanks, when he changed from the funny irreverent smart aleck of Bosom Buddies and Bachelor Party to the moody, serious fuck-stick we now know today. Big came next (extremely overrated), and then the pitfall into the "I'm a serious actor now" uselessness of Forrest Gump, Cast Away, and Appolo 13 (Houston, we have a problem...my career derailed and now I am Tom Cruise). The same thing happened to Robin Williams and Jim Carrey. I digress. Daryl Hannah as Madison the mermaid is sort of hot, but far from the best we've seen in the Smack-Off to this point. John Candy as Freddy Bauer is pretty cool in Splash (maybe this Smack-Off should be renamed the Candython), but it's not enough. UHF gets the upset and defeats Splash 69-57.

The last match of round 1 is between 2 seeded Sixteen Candles and 15 seeded Soul Man. Sixteen Candles is one of John Hughes' first triumphs, featuring ingenue Molly Ringwald (Samantha Baker) and Anthony Michael Hall (The Geek). Soul Man stars forgotten 80s mainstay C. Thomas Howell (Mark Watson) and Rae Dawn Chong (Sarah Watson). Soul Man is awesome because it probably couldn't be re-made today. For some reason people get a bit uptight when white people dress in black face for a few laughs. There are a lot of stereotypes and cliches, but we all learn a valuable lesson in the end (sort of). Sixteen Candles is simply a wonderful movie which works on all sorts of levels. It is sort of like a combination of Better Off Dead, Can't Buy Me Love, and American Graffiti. It captivates 80s teenage angst better than any movie of the decade, and is as watchable today as it was when it was released. Soul Man is a strong competitor for a 15 seed, but Sixteen Candles is an American Classic. One film critic called John Hughes the Shakespeare of his generation after his recent death; as hyperbolas as that sounds, I don't contest it. Sixteen Candles wins by 15.

That wraps up round 1. Vacation, Beverly Hills Cop, Raising Arizona, Three Amigos, Zapped!, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, UHF, and Sixteen Candles all move on to round 2. All four brackets have now been completed and await their next match in round 2. Check the bracket to the right for a quick recap of round 1's winners, and return to The Snout Bag on March 22 to see how brackets 1 and 2 fare in round 2.