Closer to home, the Bagger gets quite perturbed when others spew their misguided opinions about sports at him, whether they have incorrect information, misinterpret statistics, or simply have an opinion about their favorite team that is obviously ridiculous. My friend the Turd agrees with this; both of us deal with idiots like these every day.
Here's an example: I recently overheard two nimrods in a bar arguing about the Lakers and what they should do before the trade deadline. They were misinformed, obviously had no inclination about how the NBA salary cap works, and were simply saying useless things like "the Lakers just need to get Tim Duncan or Chris Paul." Their idiocy came to a head when their debate devolved into an argument about...and I can barely type this without wetting myself...the year one of them WOULD have graduated from high school IF he hadn't dropped out. The irony was so unreal I couldn't believe it. I knew upon overhearing this debate that one can never over-estimate the moronic depths some can attain.
So, in an attempt to save morons from themselves, I created 10 sports commandments all should follow. Do so and avoid being an idiot. I'll probably have an additional entry in the future that adds to this list, because while 10 commandments may have been enough for God and Moses, it surely isn't enough to keep today's sports fans in line.
Commandment 1: Thou shalt not have more than one favorite team in any respective sport.
People who say "The Dodgers are my favorite team, but I also like the Giants because I used to live in the Bay Area" are idiots. Even in this worst case scenario of two division rivals, claiming that one likes the Knicks in the Eastern Conference and the Lakers in the Western Conference is ridiculous. It's pretty simple: you get to root for one team per sport.
Commandment 2: Thou shalt not fill out more than one NCAA Basketball Tournament bracket during March Madness.
People who fill out more than one bracket with different combinations of winners and losers, then submit them to various pools and claim they filled out an awesome bracket when one of them inevitably wins can claim no rightful place as an intelligent sports fan. This is another simple imperative: everyone gets to fill out ONE bracket. You may enter multiple tournaments, but you cannot have different selections across tournaments.
Commandment 3: Thou shalt not say a basketball player has no skills because all he can do is dunk.
This used to bother me about critics of Shaquille O'Neal who claimed, "He sucks. All he does is dunk everything." News flash: the purpose of the game is to get the ball through the hoop. If you can eliminate all margin of error by stuffing it directly through it, you aren't limited in your ability, but rather the most efficient at it.
Commandment 4: Thou shalt not arrive to a baseball game in the third inning and leave in the seventh.
California fans are notorious for this (especially for basketball and baseball). If you are a fan, get your ass to the stadium before the national anthem and keep it there until the 27th out. Same goes for basketball: don't straggle in during the first TV time out when the cheerleaders are shooting T-shirts into the stands and then leave at the beginning of the fourth quarter.
Commandment 5: Thou shalt never proclaim that "I hope it is a good game" when a favorite team is playing.
When your team is playing you do not want to see a good game. You want to see a blow-out with your team kicking the shit out of the other team. People who claim they would rather see a close, interesting game instead of a massacre when their team is playing are not true fans. All games have more at stake than simply a win or loss. The great dynasties are held to the highest standards, and eking out wins isn't one of them. To be considered great, your team generally needs to win often, and win big. If you want your team to consistently be at the highest level, beating other teams by 2 in overtime just won't cut it.
Commandment 6: Thou shalt not be a fair-weather fan.
If you have a favorite team, then it is your favorite fucking team and you must follow them regardless of how good they are. Band wagon fans are the most deplorable creatures on the planet. Fans that jump on teams' bandwagons when they are winning are probably the same people who follow fashion trends such as wearing suspenders that dangle at the waist, wearing two different colored shoes, or buying Milli Vanilli's Girl You Know It's True. Even worse, fans that abandon their team for other teams who are currently winning are the bottom feeders of the sports world.
Commandment 7: Thou shalt not claim that soccer, golf, car racing, or other similar activities are not sports.
People who think the term "sport" somehow applies to certain activities while not to others have IQs of room temperature. This argument serves no purpose, does nothing to raise or lower the legitimacy of any activity, and does not increase the reputation of those activities deemed appropriate to be considered sports. Even if it could somehow be proven true that golf is not a sport, what would that mean? That it isn't as good as football? All such notions are subjective anyway. Deconstructions of such activities show that they share more similarities than differences, so arguments about why an activity isn't a sport is futile (in golf one tries to physically move a ball from one location to another in the most efficient way possible; in football one tries to physically move a ball from one location to another in the most efficient way possible - how different).
Commandment 8: Thou shalt not claim that golfers, curlers, dart players, or similar role-players are not athletes.
This commandment follows the same logic as above. Splitting hairs about what activity qualifies one as an athlete is a moronic endeavor. If the activity involves some sort of physical action that people vary in ability by, then those people that compete in that activity are athletes. End of story. One may argue that basketball players are more athletic than golfers, but to say one is not an athlete because they shoot a bow and arrow instead of run a ball over a line is simply incorrect, by any definition of the term. Arguing who is or isn't an athlete when no conventional definition of the term exists is a fruitless venture.
Commandment 9: Thou shalt not be a homer.
A homer - a term that is derived from "home team" - is a person who can't argue objectively about his or her favorite team, but rather sees them in a positive light regardless of circumstance. Homers often claim that a player on their team should have received an MVP vote over an obviously more qualified athlete on another team, or complain that the referees gave preferential treatment to another team when it is obvious to others it wasn't so. Other pitfalls of homers are that they tend to over-estimate the value of role players on their favorite team, often seeing bit-players as all-star caliber talent. Being a homer is a common problem for the idiot sports fan; intelligent fans know their team's relative quality amidst others and avoid being overly optimistic concerning their team's prospects of winning.
Commandment 10: Thou shalt not invoke the name of God after a win.
This pertains mostly to athletes. There is nothing on this green Earth as stupid as an athlete who proclaims that "I just want to thank God for this win" after a victory. This stupidity is compounded tenfold when the game in question is not a super-bowl or championship but rather a regular season match of some sort. Does such logic imply that God made the win so? If that is the case why play the game in the first place? If God did not make it so, did he know about the end result before the game started? If not just how powerful is he in the first place? Anyone ever read Oedipus Rex? Do we really need to return to the pre-destination/freewill debate that was settled by philosophers centuries ago? Are we really to believe that God gives a shit about a division II baseball team that just won their conference tournament? Avoid or be labeled a moron, as this is perhaps the most despicable behavior in all of sports.
