Classic Arcade Game Smack-Off (Part 1)

Since my previous postings regarding the 80s Movie Smack-Off revealed how far I am willing to travel into the dork forest, I figured why not do a similar tournament to discover what the best classic arcade game was. If you thought the previous contest was lame, you'll agree that this one pegs the dials on the nerdometer.

The rules are the same as before, the logic follows that of the NCAA basketball tournament. I chose 64 of the best and most popular classical era arcade games, seeding them from 1 to 16 across four brackets. Games compete head to head and are eliminated round by round until one is left standing. You know how it works. I avoid basketball analogies in the descriptions (which would be a bit stale at this point) and simply focus on the games. Here's round 1 for bracket 1 (let's call it the "Starcade" bracket).

Bracket 1 (Starcade Bracket)

1. Donkey Kong

16. Battlezone

8. Crystal Castles
9. Phoenix

5. Asteroids
12. Kangaroo

4. Missile Command
13. Robotron 2084

6. Dragon's Lair

11. Jungle Hunt

3. Gauntlet
14. Marble Madness

7. Zaxxon

10. Pengo

2. Defender

15. Star Castle

Round 1 Results: Starcade Bracket

The 1 vs. 16 seeds pit the venerable Donkey Kong against Battlezone. Donkey Kong is one of the most popular games ever, spawning Mario and the myriad Super Mario franchises. Battle zone was one of the first vector games, and featured a unique interface (the player stood on a platform and looked through a viewfinder). Yes, you looked like a complete dork playing Battlezone, but you were probably so scared of being hit by an enemy tank that you didn't care. The crescent moon in the back ground and the pyramids added to the experience, even though the graphics were extremely simple. The cool dual joysticks let you make turns similar to a real tank, but alas the game was very difficult. A quarter never lasted me more than a few minutes. Donkey Kong is far superior; it beats Battlezone easily.

The 8/9 match up is between Crystal Castles and Phoenix. Crystal Castles was great; Bentley Bear was a fun character, and there were enemies like gem eaters, walking trees, a wicked witch, and those awful fucking bees. Crystal Castles was one of the more stressful games; you never seemed to be able to collect gems fast enough to keep the bee swarm at bay, and most players couldn't achieve more than a few levels. Phoenix was fun too; it's similar to Gorf in many ways, offering multiple screens with different challenges. Those crazy birds that split in two when shot were cool, and the sounds were captivating. This is a close match up, but Crystal Castles wins due to the "cute" factor of the characters, plus the unique game play featuring a roller ball.

Asteroids vs. Kangaroo make up the 5/12 match up. Kangaroo is a bit obscure, but was a fun game similar to Donkey Kong Jr.. You were a kangaroo who had to save her kid by punching out evil monkeys. Multiple screens and challenging game play made it enjoyable. Asteroids is a vintage video game, enjoying almost as much fame as Pac-Man or Frogger. Asteroids is far simpler than Kangaroo, but it wins here because of how hard it was, and the ominous two-toned music that increased in tempo as more asteroids threatened your space ship. Your kids think they're good at X-Box? Let them play Asteroids and have the Kleenex ready.

The 4/13 seed is between Robotron 2084 and Missle Command, two early 80s contenders. Robotron is underrated. It is a perfect game. Two joysticks and no buttons, Robotron offers lunatic fringe speed and insanity. From the first screen, enemies come at you fast and furious. The game is relentless. There is no time to rest; the 3 second breather between screens only increases your fear as you realize "Oh shit, it's another Brain level." Missile Command is classic too. It is not as intense as Robotron at first, but it gets hairy soon enough. When you realize that the missiles come at you from all angles and at different speeds, you are almost relieved when you lose. Both games are extremely stressful, but Robotron is better. I am confident that the worlds' wars from now on should be settled with Robotron tournaments. The nation who is best at Robotron deserves to win. It's another game I would love today's youth to endure; You think Guitar Hero is tough? Your mom can play Guitar Hero. Robotron shits in Guitar Hero's pants and makes Rock Band change the diaper.

Dragon's Lair and Jungle Hunt are the 6/11 match up. These games are polar opposites. Dragon's Lair is a laser disc game that features cartoon like graphics not seen in its day; Jungle Hunt is an early 80s game featuring four levels and simple graphics. Dragon's Lair seems like the obvious choice here, but the gameplay was fairly simplistic and not very challenging. All you needed to do was memorize the correct sequence of joystick commands and get the timing right. A player capable of beating Dragon's Lair seemed impressive to onlookers, but the graphics were really what was impressive. Jungle Hunt is relatively difficult, especially as you move past the first four screens. It is one of those games whose controls never seem to allow you enough finesse to evade the enemies at hand, and timing is crucial. It wins this match up in an upset, because it is truer to what a video game should be than Dragon's Lair.

The 3/14 seeds are Gauntlet and Marble Madness. This match up is a massacre; Gauntlet wins easily. Not that Marble Madness is bad, it's a unique and fun game. It's really hard though (I could only complete four or five levels on a good day), and you needed to be quick with a track ball. When Gauntlet was released it was completely original. Four players could play simultaneously, and it seemed to feature endless levels. Gauntlet did a consummate job targeting dungeons & dragons dorks, and it had to be the most ingenious game of its time for making money, as it featured "health" rather than "lives." Your character received a fixed amount of health points for each quarter (usually 600), and you could add additional health any time you wanted. Guess what? You could pump five bucks into a Gauntlet machine pretty damn quick. Those white ghosts just sucked your paper route money away, 3o+ points at a time. Those of us who spent more than $100 on Gauntlet have "Wizard shot the food" and "Valkyrie is about to die" permanently burned in our memory banks. The marble cracks here; Gauntlet falls down the exit to the second round.

The 7/10 contestants are Zaxxon and Pengo, both relatively popular games. Let's get it out of the way: I hated Zaxxon. The graphics were OK and it seemed cool, but this is one game I never could figure out. It was a 3D scrolling game, and I never could avoid crashing into the wall. And then there is that stupid heat seeking missile I always hit. I sucked at Zaxxon more than any other game. Regardless of my biased opinion on Zaxxon, Pengo is easily the better game. It has cute characters, fun gameplay, and features great strategy (remember those diamond blocks you could align in a row for bonus points? You really needed to think quickly to accomplish that feat). Crushing your enemies with ice blocks was strangely satisfying, and even a beginner could do reasonably well on one quarter. Pengo was awesome; it moves past Zaxxon to the next round.

The 2/15 seed match up features Defender and Star Castle. Star Castle is one of the first great video games. It's extremely simple; the graphics are limited but the gameplay is great. It's a preface to Yars Revenge, featuring a spaceship you must destroy which is protected by an energy shield made up of concentric circles. Funny that the creators used a Penthouse centerfold as the template for the constellation sequence in the background graphics (don't get too excited...you really have to use your imagination to see it). While Star Castle is a strong contender, Defender is one of the era's juggernauts, and one of the hardest fucking games ever programmed. In retrospect, I'm not even sure if it was fun. Defender is an abusive husband; you are its battered wife who comes back for more. After spending twenty bucks playing Defender you are compelled to say, "I am sorry I am weak; I will try harder, please don't give up on me." Your confidence is destroyed when you realize it doesn't give a shit about you or the humanoids you tried to save. Defender is tougher than you; it is that bully who transfers to your elementary school and immediately targets you for an ass kicking after school. You end up going home with your pants ripped and your money stolen, only to get ridiculed by your parents for embarrassing the family. Defender is a divorce lawyer, the IRS, and an unfaithful wife all in one. If you are the one agreeing to come to a hot young cheerleader's house for sexual intercourse, Defender is Dateline's Chris Hansen greeting you and asking you to have a seat at the kitchen table when you arrive. Defender to round 2.

OK, this completes round 1 of Bracket 1, the Starcade Bracket. Donkey Kong, Crystal Castles, Asteroids, Robotron 2084, Jungle Hunt, Gauntlet, Pengo, and Defender all make it to the second round. Check back soon when we examine the round 1 pairings and results for Bracket 2, the "Jeff Spicoli Bracket."