In two weeks
Warner Brothers will release its remake of
Clash of the Titans. Of course the Snoutbagger is creaming his jeans in anticipation of this important event. While revisiting the original I began to ponder which creatures would appear in the remake, and how much better they will certainly be compared to the clay-mation originals. I then began to think about
Dungeons and Dragons monsters, which inspired me to crack open my original
Monster Manuals. While perusing the dusty tomes I noticed that many of the monsters were actually pretty lame! Some were laughable. So, I decided to compile a list of the 15
coolest D and D monsters and a list of the 15
lamest D and D monsters.
I strongly considered abandoning this entry after I started it out of pure shame. Completing it immediately ratchets me up a few pegs on the dorkometer. But who cares. The Snoutbagger is comfortable doing so because he and everyone else knows how awesome he is.
The
best list of monsters is presented here; the
worst will be presented in a separate blog in the near future. For those that played D and D you will enjoy this. For those that didn't you probably won't visit
The Snout Bag again.
A quick note on my criteria for selecting these monsters: First, while most of the following are quite powerful, power alone was not a required trait. I generally just selected monsters that are cool overall, meaning they have interesting powers or look scary or would make you shit your pants if they were in your living room. I avoided unique creatures like arch-devils or demon princes (mostly), or creatures adapted from mythology (like the
chimera, phoenix, or
ki-rin). I tried to choose monsters that were originally created by TSR for Dungeons and Dragons. Lastly, the creatures were selected from the original Advanced Dungeons and Dragons
Monster Manual (1978),
Monster Manual 2 (1983), and
Fiend Folio (1981).
Here are the 15 BEST D and D monsters, listed from last to first:
15. Nightmare
Nightmares are steeds ridden by powerful demons, devils, and night hags. Sometimes they work for death knights, vampires, or liches. They have burning hooves, which you may want to consider if you plan on buying one as a present for your 7 year old daughter; maybe stick with a traditional pony. They breathe a hot cloud of smoke in combat (yes they like to fight, another reason Molly might be better suited with a Shetland). If the previous traits haven't upset you, perhaps the fact that they have red eyes, can fly, and can become ethereal will. Nightmares are sort of like the horses the Nazgul ringwraiths ride in
Lord of the Rings if they were burned alive and buried in Stephen King's pet sematary for a thousand years.
14. Drider
Sixth level dark elves that fail to pass Lolth the demon queen's specially devised test become driders (Lolth's test is sort of like a high school exit exam but the stakes are deformity and banishment rather than a failing to receive a diploma). Being a drider is not so bad; you get to carry a bow and shoot arrows at people, but the fact that you have 8 legs and look like a spider might make it tough to get a prom date. Driders have various magical abilities and can cast spells like
darkness,
clairvoyance, and
suggestion. They aren't extremely tough by themselves (unlike most other monsters on this list), but encounter them with 12 of their giant spider buddies and you'll be in trouble quick. Being cast out of their former elven society, they live on the blood of their victims and lead solitary lives. Boo hoo, guess they should have prepared better for Lolth's exam. Driders are like those people you attended high school with that proclaimed "Dude, fuck college...my parents didn't go to college...why should I?" If driders were real their names would be sewn on a blue collared shirt with a Chevron patch above it.
13. Naga
Nagas come in various forms, including guardian nagas, spirit nagas, and bone nagas. They are intelligent and magical snake-like creatures, with the head of a human woman. I know what you're thinking, but it's not known if they've ever given a human a blow job. Maybe one has to some high level chaotic evil fighter who has a "go ugly early" credo. The
Monster Manual says that they are encountered in warm climates, so beware if you plan any weekend Vegas benders. One might slither in to a Baker rest stop and spit poison in your girlfriend's face. Nagas are interesting creatures because they can be good or evil depending on what type they are. So, if any snake with a woman's head slithers up to you it might just want to chat instead of paralyzing you with its gaze. Maybe ask its alignment before grabbing the pepper spray.
12. Skeleton Warrior
Not to be confused with a normal skeleton (which is one of the weakest creatures in Dungeons and Dragons), skeleton warriors are total bad asses. From the picture it looks like they dress like a hippy from the
Monterey Pop Festival, but don't worry; they ain't about peace, love,
or understanding. They are undead lords that were once 10-15th level fighters. You can't harm them with normal weapons and they are 90% resistant to magic. They cannot be turned by a cleric, and the mere sight of one causes creatures below level 5 to flee in terror (well, maybe they do share something in common with a hippy from 1967). The icing on the cake is that they fight with awesome two-handed swords. Yes, the skeleton warrior is one of the coolest creatures in the D and D pantheon. A final depressing truth is that they are likely more intelligent than the Snoutbagger.
11. Night Hag
A night hag looks like a stripper who works a mid-week day shift at the Classy Cat Lounge hours after giving birth by caesarian section. The
Monster Manual describes them having hideous dark blue-violet skin, black hair, and glowing red eyes (OK so maybe night hags are slightly more attractive than the Classy Cat Lounge stripper). They rule the convoluted planes of Hades (whatever the fuck that means). They are 65% magic resistant and have respectable hit dice, and have your usual litany of magic powers such as
ray of enfeeblement and
magic missile. Night hags specialize in casting
sleep spells and strangling evil people. They also have the horrific tendency to visit victims in their dreams and ride on their backs like a horse until dawn. Once they visit one's dreams they keep coming back each night. This routine drains a point of constitution per night and when their victim's constitution lowers to 0 they take them to Hades to become larvae in service of some demon or devil. Gives a whole new meaning to a wet dream, huh? Sharing your bed with a night hag makes a roll in the hay with Aileen Wuornos seem like a Mormon wedding night. All this qualifies them as one of the most incredible, and awesome, monsters in D and D.
10. Revenant
Revenants are the Navy Seals of the undead. If you died a violent death and want to return from the grave to wreak vengeance upon your slayer, signing up to be a revenant might be for you. A revenant's one goal is to kill whoever wronged it in its living form. But, just like any club worth its membership, it is exclusive. Do you have a wisdom or intelligence score of 16 or above? Do you have an 18 constitution? If so, splendid...you have a 5% chance of becoming a revenant (hey, who said joining the club was easy?). Revenants are abominations that are immune to clerics' turning power; they are also immune to weapons, normal or magical. The cool thing about being a revenant is that your arms continue to fight people even when severed. They'll even slither back and reattach themselves over time (I'm not exactly sure how their arms would become severed since they are immune to weapons, but whatever). If you hate using weapons but prefer to strangle people with your bare hands, being a revenant will appeal to you; it is their chosen method of assault. The
Fiend Folio states that "animals will shy away" from revenants, begging the question "exactly who the fuck is
attracted to them?" Regardless of who or what they may be, the revenant is one of D and D's best monsters due to both its appearance and general attitude toward accomplishing its one task of murdering its slayer.
9. Pit Fiend
Pit fiends are greater devils who roam the lowest plane of Hell; they are personal servants of the arch-devil Asmodeus. So, they pretty much kick major ass. They have all sorts of fire-based magical abilities and can summon barbed devils (tough in their own right) to aid in a fight. They are strong (18/00 strength) and regenerate hit points each round of combat. Pit fiends are higher-order monsters who don't often lose in combat. They use huge jagged toothed clubs which can rip through flesh like it was wet Kleenex. They are your prototypical winged monstrosity, and generally look like what you might think Satan probably looks like - sort of like the balrog in
Lord of the Rings. If you were frightened by that, chances are your encounter with a pit fiend will be a bit uncomfortable.
8. Demilich
"Daddy, Billy and Joey found a skull in the sandbox and now they're kicking it around the yard like a soccer ball." "Jesus Christ Sally! Tell them to put it back before it howls! It might be a demilich!" A demilich is the remains of an ancient lich - its skull, bones, and dust. It can kill you instantly with a death howl or trap your soul in its gemstone teeth. It made its first appearance in the classic module
Tomb of Horrors. Killing it, or dealing with it somehow was the final task in
Tomb, which was really just a suicide mission for 10th level characters. Only the most clever escaped it. The demilich is one of the best creatures in Dungeons and Dragons because there are only eight possible ways to damage it (which makes its -6 AC inconsequential). If you encounter one and are ignorant of these you can count on a quick demise. You'll be fine as long as you have a fighter or paladin with a vorpal weapon (guess what, you don't). I'm sure you'll figure out that your magic-user can kill it by casting
power word kill, as long as he is on the astral plane when he does so. If my characters encountered a demilich I would say to the dungeon master, "OK, since we know our characters will be sucked into that skull or killed outright, my gnome illusionist wishes to discover what happens when he snorts the demilich dust." That would be a stellar trip, eh?
7. Death Knight
There are only 12 of the dreaded death knights, which are fallen human paladins resurrected as liches by the demon prince Demogorgon. Powers include 75% magic resistance, 18/00 strength, demon summoning, a continual radius of fear, and magic use at the 20th level. They often ride nightmares as their steeds (that should tell you a bit about their power). You basically don't want to spend much time with one of them. They probably aren't much fun to party with, though you wouldn't have to worry about running out of ice because they can create it at will. The fact that they hurl 20-dice fireballs might be a fire hazard for the curtains and makes it a logical choice to casually forget to send them an RSVP for your next soiree.
6. Mind Flayer
Mind Flayers are sweet. They look really cool, but that's only because you don't have to fuck with one in real life. Fortunately you only need to worry about them if you find yourself a thousand feet underground. They are deadly tough and hate humans. Mind flayers have tentacles on their face which wiggle up your nose to pull out your brain. Its upsetting that their brain suckage ability isn't considered their most horrible attack. Nope, you're in worse shape when they use their mind blast to psionically crush you. Forget about claiming social security after that; you'll look something like Jack Nicholson after his lobotomy in
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. A mind flayer's skin is mauve colored, which is pretty gross. "Dear, look at the new drapes I bought for the kitchen! Do you like them?" "I guess so, what color are they?" "They were on close out. They're some color called
mind-flayer mauve. They'll match the
sea hag green wallpaper." In addition to their off-putting color, it's kind of funny how they wear clothes. Check out the picture above: where did it get that robe? Did it make it on its own, the same way Molly Ringwald made her prom dress in
Pretty in Pink? Or did it order it from a catalogue? Last I checked Macy's doesn't have mind flayers in this season's fashion line, so more research is needed here.
5. Demon Type V
Demons come in different types, all of which are pretty intimidating. The type V category (called Marilith demons) is the coolest though, because they look like the offspring of a serpent, a supermodel, and a cuisinart. They are 7 feet tall females with six arms, all of which wield razor sharp swords. They have an extremely tough armor class (-7), are 80% resistant to magic, and cause
darkness all around them. They also can cast a variety of magic spells and can gate in other demons. Type V demons are particularly bitchy and cruel, and are feared by lower level demons. The Snoutbagger wonders what it would be like to bang one. She'd probably want to be on top. If you ever pick one up at a bar, the Bagger advises wearing two condoms; you never know if she's dated Orcus or not (the demon prince of the undead). God only knows what would happen to your dick after catching whatever he gave her.
4. Tiamat
Tiamat, or the chromatic dragon, is the only unique creature on this list. I include her here to represent dragons as a whole because dragons have to be considered some of the best D and D monsters, and she represents the epitome of the dragon class. She has multiple heads, each a different color. Each head has powers associated with a normal dragon of its respective color. Tiamat is a termagant who rules the first plane of the Nine Hells. The Snoutbagger once spent a weekend there and does not recommend it; he went as part of a prize package he won for attending a real-estate seminar on investing in swamp land in Florida. Tiamat casts all sorts of spells, can breathe fire, lightening, poison gas, frost, and acid (jeez!), or can simply rip you to shreds with her claws. Tiamat is simply one of the most powerful monsters in Dungeons and Dragons. Luckily you'll never encounter her due to the balance of the game. With the amount of time it would take to get a character powerful enough to deal with her you could earn six Ph.D.s.
3. Nycadaemon
Don't let the lame depiction of the nycadaemon to the right fool you; these mofos are tough as shit. The sketch included in the
Fiend Folio is much better, but the Snoutbagger's secretary has a severe meth habit and didn't get the picture to him by press time. The Bagger hasn't fired her yet because she started wearing mini-skirts and 7 inch stiletto heels to work. Stay tuned. Nycadaemons are in the upper echelon of all Dungeons and Dragons monsters, even though they are far from the most popular. To put it in perspective, a nycadaemon could rape a demon type V while it held a pit fiend's head under water. To quote the
Fiend Folio, "nycadaemons are avoided by night hags, mezzodaemons, lesser and greater devils, and most demons...the race is totally wicked and domineering, caring not who they enslave or exploit." Sounds like they are almost as bad as Bernie Madoff. They have a very low AC (-4), a shitload of hit points (12+36 hit dice), and are virtually immune to magic of any kind. They are as strong as stone giants (stone giants can throw boulders like they are baseballs), and have a slew of abilities such as
dimension door,
invisibility,
polymorph, and
telepathy. The U.S. army should try and get a few of these bastards to root out terrorists in Afghanistan; Osama Bin Laden would piss his pants if a nycadaemon even farted in his cave. Yes, the nycadaemon is to be dreaded, and is easily one of the coolest monsters ever in Dungeons and Dragons.
2. Lich
While an obvious choice, the lich deserves to be high on the list of awesome D and D monsters. It combines the best features of all evil elements into one gigantic nightmare of a foe. Liches are magical, they're undead, and if one moves next door you'll need more than quality mosquito netting to deal with it. "Honey, have you seen the new neighbor?" "Yes, I just saw him moving a few coffins into his cellar. It looks like he was wearing rotten velvet robes and a rusty crown made of fire." "Well, go see if he needs help moving in." "Fuck that, he touched the mailman and the mailman's arm turned to ice! I also saw him use some crazy scepter to turn the Wilson's dog into ashes." Liches are former high level magic-users or clerics who extended their lives through necromancy, and they continue to employ their magic powers post mortem. They are one of the most famous creatures in the D and D creature compendium, and for good reason. They are dastardly foes only the most experienced party wants a part of.
1. Beholder
The beholder or "eye tyrant" is perhaps the most classic Dungeons and Dragons creature. It is awesome, and feared by all. If you are unlucky enough to encounter one of these you can count on losing a few characters due to its eyeballs that cast an array of horrible spells (such as
death ray,
sleep, and
flesh to stone). The fact that a beholder floats around via levitation is pretty disconcerting too, and simply dealing with its bite is bad enough. The
Monster Manual says that there is a 50% chance a beholder will listen to negotiations from a party of adventurers if the party can somehow benefit it. "Dear, what's wrong?" "I can't sleep. I have an early morning meeting with a beholder and it is a total asshole." "Well, just explain that you can only do the work of one man." "It doesn't give a shit - the last time I asked for an extension on a report it disintegrated my secretary with its fourth eye." The beholder must be considered the coolest monster in Dungeons and Dragons; few characters are strong enough to deal with it.
Check back soon for the 15
worst D and D monsters!
