80s Movie Smack-Off (Part 4)

It's time to continue the 80s Movie Smack-Off! The Snoutbagger is in the midst of discovering the greatest 1980s comedy movie, in the spirit of March Madness and the NCAA basketball tournament. Check previous postings (Parts 1-3) for details and round 1 results regarding Brackets 1-3.

The Snoutbagger is proud to be an influence on his buddy C. Wright Parsons, who is currently running a Smack-Off of his own to discover the best music album of all time. It's intelligent and compelling; check it out here.

Also, let us take a moment to mourn the recent death of Corey Haim, who Bracket 1 is eponymously named for. Maybe Nancy Reagan was actually on to something when she proclaimed we should just say no. Or maybe Haim just had some demons few of us will ever understand. Anyway, Lucas will be missed.

This week we complete round 1 by examining Bracket 4, the "Rocky Dennis" Bracket. Here are the movies and their corresponding seeds for Bracket 4:

Bracket 4 (Rocky Dennis Bracket)

1. National Lampoon's Vacation
16. Stakeout

8. Beverly Hills Cop
9. Beetlejuice

5. Raising Arizona
12. Strange Brew

4. Three Amigos
13. I'm Gonna Get You Sucka

6. Twins
11. Zapped!

3. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
14. Summer Rental

7. Splash
10. UHF

2. Sixteen Candles
15. Soul Man

Round 1 Results: Rocky Dennis Bracket

The first match is between National Lampoon's Vacation and Stakeout. Vacation is the well deserving 1 seed here, as it is a classic example of 80s cinema. Stakeout was probably more popular in the theater than Vacation, which is strange considering that Vacation is a million times better than Stakeout (sorry, no suspense here). Stakeout is an entertaining movie, somehow making Richard Dreyfus (Detective Chris Lecce) the guy who gets the girl rather than Emilio Estevez (Detective Bill Reimners), but against Vacation it is Wofford playing Kentucky. Vacation is one of those movies that increasingly gained popularity after its theatrical release, sort of like The Shawshank Redemption. Word of mouth and countless VHS rentals made Vacation one of this decade's most identifiable comedies. In Stakeout, Estevez's moustache seems weird so soon after movies like St. Elmo's Fire and Breakfast Club, but Madeleine Stowe (Maria McGuire) is nice to look at. Vacation just features way too much. Chevy Chase (Clark Griswold), Anthony Michael Hall (Rusty Griswold), and Beverly D'Angelo (Ellen Griswold) sink the simple plot of Stakeout; Vacation breezes into round 2.

The 8/9 seeds feature two very different comedies, each popular for different reasons. Beverly Hills Cop (#8) is Eddie Murphy's (Axel Foley) tour de force; he was at the acme of his popularity here, and was probably the most successful comedian of the era. It seems so long ago, but Murphy was Hollywood platinum. He literally couldn't miss (er, well forgetting The Golden Child). Beetlejuice is a weirdo movie with a young Alec Baldwin (Adam Maitland), an older-than-you-probably-think Geena Davis (Barbara Maitland), a very very young Winona Ryder (Lydia Deetz), and Michael Keaton (Beetlejuice) in one of his last comedic roles (don't believe me? Check out his resume after Beetlejuice; the only comedies he stars in are the underrated The Dream Team and Multiplicity). Beetlejuice is so strange it inevitably sticks in your mind, and its originality makes it highly watchable today. It certainly has stood the test of time better than Beverly Hills Cop, which is a melange of 80s cliche's and pop culture. This is a hard match to call, because both movies are very funny. Beverly Hills Cop is as much of a drama as a comedy, but that's OK because the comic element is so great. Beverly Hills Cop gets the squeaker win here, because CBS basketball bellwether Billy Packer accosted the referee at the buzzer claiming that Beetlejuice's foot was on the line when it completed a three point shot with 5 seconds left in regulation. The shot is ruled no good, Packer dies of a stroke, and Beverly Hills Cop wins by 2.

The 5/12 match up is between Raising Arizona and Strange Brew. In some ways it is unfair to have a Cohen brothers' movie in the Smack-Off (Raising Arizona), because they are usually superior in all facets to just about any other movie. That being said, Raising Arizona is a comedy, and it's from the 80s, so here it is. It is your one chance to see Nicholas Cage (H.I. McDunnough) in a quality performance (please don't say Leaving Lost Vegas - go see it again and witness overacting at its finest). Strange Brew is funny too, even though it is not as finely woven or intricate as Raising Arizona. Bob (Rick Moranis) and Dave McKenzie (Dave Thomas) drink a lot of beer and have a cool flying dog named Hosehead. It is amazing that Max Von Sydow (Brewmeister Smith) stars in Strange Brew; his resume reveals him to be more a heavy weight of international cinema than beerfart slob-comedies. Strange Brew is good for a few laughs while pounding a case of Molson Golden, but Raising Arizona is the far better comedy. The cast of characters in Raising Arizona is just too great (even against those awesome storm-trooper hockey players in Strange Brew), and the sheer ridiculousness of the dialogue is perfect ("When there was no meat, we ate foul; when there was no foul, we ate crawdad; when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand"). The Raising Arizona sandstorm smothers Strange Brew 83-69.

The 3 vs. 14 seeds include Three Amigos and I'm Gonna Get You Sucka!. Three Amigos is another movie that features a cast of 80s all-stars. Steve Martin (Lucky Day), Chevy Chase (Dusty Bottoms), and Martin Short (Ned Nederlander) all do themselves pretty well playing a trio of Hollywood dipshits amongst a silly plot and novel setting. I'm Gonna Get You Sucka! is similar to Hollywood Shuffle, both in style and in cast. I'm Gonna Get You Sucka! doesn't have quite the charm of Hollywood Shuffle, but there are plenty of great moments. How can a movie with Isaac Hayes (Hammer) and Jim Brown (Slammer) not be awesome? Bonus points for those who remember a young Chris Rock (How much for yo' ribs? $2.50!?!?). Three Amigos shines too though, and a great performance by Alfonso Arau (El Guapo) flies under the radar. The scene in Sucka where Anne-Marie Johnson (Cherry) takes off her wig and prosthetic leg is funny as hell, as are all scenes featuring the duo of Damon Wayons (Leonard) and Kadeem Hardison (Willie). This is a very tough match to call, but Three Amigos gets the win for one reason...the singing bush. Three Amigos has a bush...that sings. Did you know that musician Randy Newman was the voice of the singing bush? Now you do. The singing bush is funnier than a bucket of snorkels (why is that funny? Have you ever seen a bucket of snorkels?), and Three Amigos merilee rolls along to the second round.

Twins (#6) and Zapped (#11) make up the next match. Twins was of course much more popular than Zapped!, and made a boatload more money. Twins features the Governor of California (Julius Benedict) and Danny DeVito (Vincent Benedict), both intentionally opposite in physical stature. Julius is supposedly the ideal human being, but God has a funny way of evening the balance because the actor who plays Julius speaks like he fell asleep with his head in a microwave oven. DeVito is his usual diminutive and snarky self. Twins is watchable, but not especially re-watchable. Thankfully it features a 26 year old Kelly Preston (Marnie Mason), who is as good looking as ANY girl in ANY movie EVER. Too bad in real life she is a hard-core Scientologist who married a dude who looks like he was dipped in wax and left in the sun for 3000 years (recall that God evens things out!). Did I mention how hot Kelly Preston was in 1988? Moving on, Zapped! is a classic low-budget 80s laugher starring Scott Baio (Barney Springboro). It's great that his buddy Peyton Nichols (Willie Aames) took time off the Charles in Charge set to make Zapped! with Baio. They practically were in every project either appeared in (or at least it seemed that way). Zapped! certainly isn't a great movie, but if I were to ask myself right now whether I would rather see Twins or Zapped!, I would whole-heartedly choose Zapped!. Guess that means that Zapped! kicks the snot out of Twins and wins this match by 11.

The next match is between 3 seed Ferris Bueller's Day Off and 14 seed Summer Rental. Ferris is one of the ultimate 80s nostalgia pieces; everyone loves this movie (as well they should). Summer Rental is another John Candy (Jack Chester) flick, though not one of his strongest. Summer Rental does have some good moments (like when Jack's next door neighbor shows him her breasts, or the dynamic between Candy and asshole yachtsman Al Pellet (Richard Crenna)). Summer Rental runs out of gas though, and the last 20 minutes are generally laughless. Summer Rental is an example of one of those movies that takes its stupid plot too seriously. Many of the Saturday Night Live spinoffs suffer in this regard: they worry too much about wrapping up the story (which no one cares about) than the reason people are watching in the first place (to laugh their asses off at the jokes and snappy dialogue). See A Night at the Roxbury, Superstar, and Stuart Saves His Family for examples of this. Ferris Bueller's Day Off has countless memorable scenes. The hippy garage attendant (Richard Edson) is classic, as is Jonathan Schmock as the Chez Quis maitre d' ("leave before I get snooty!..."). I'm still trying to figure out if Sloan Peterson (Mira Sara) was super hot or just good enough. I guess she was pretty hot. She's definitely hotter than Cameron's (Alan Ruck) girlfriend (ya he doesn't have one - look at the big brains on you!). One could go on and on about Ferris, but there's no need: it smashes Summer Rental and wins by 32.

The 7/10 seedings pit the mainstream pleaser Splash against "who the fuck has seen" UHF. If you haven't seen UHF, get your ass to Netflix and get it. It stars Weird Al (George Neuman) and a very, very young and raw Michael Richards (Stanley Spadowski) in one of his best unknown roles. This is pre-Seinfeld and pre-"All of you are niggers!" Richards, and he really shines in this movie. UHF is great in the same way that Amazon Women on the Moon is great: relatively few people have seen either of them, but they are better than most mainstream comedies. This is true in this match up, as the underdog UHF beats up on Spash big time. Splash was never one of my favorite 80s movies. It is here where one begins to see the inklings of the future Tom Hanks, when he changed from the funny irreverent smart aleck of Bosom Buddies and Bachelor Party to the moody, serious fuck-stick we now know today. Big came next (extremely overrated), and then the pitfall into the "I'm a serious actor now" uselessness of Forrest Gump, Cast Away, and Appolo 13 (Houston, we have a problem...my career derailed and now I am Tom Cruise). The same thing happened to Robin Williams and Jim Carrey. I digress. Daryl Hannah as Madison the mermaid is sort of hot, but far from the best we've seen in the Smack-Off to this point. John Candy as Freddy Bauer is pretty cool in Splash (maybe this Smack-Off should be renamed the Candython), but it's not enough. UHF gets the upset and defeats Splash 69-57.

The last match of round 1 is between 2 seeded Sixteen Candles and 15 seeded Soul Man. Sixteen Candles is one of John Hughes' first triumphs, featuring ingenue Molly Ringwald (Samantha Baker) and Anthony Michael Hall (The Geek). Soul Man stars forgotten 80s mainstay C. Thomas Howell (Mark Watson) and Rae Dawn Chong (Sarah Watson). Soul Man is awesome because it probably couldn't be re-made today. For some reason people get a bit uptight when white people dress in black face for a few laughs. There are a lot of stereotypes and cliches, but we all learn a valuable lesson in the end (sort of). Sixteen Candles is simply a wonderful movie which works on all sorts of levels. It is sort of like a combination of Better Off Dead, Can't Buy Me Love, and American Graffiti. It captivates 80s teenage angst better than any movie of the decade, and is as watchable today as it was when it was released. Soul Man is a strong competitor for a 15 seed, but Sixteen Candles is an American Classic. One film critic called John Hughes the Shakespeare of his generation after his recent death; as hyperbolas as that sounds, I don't contest it. Sixteen Candles wins by 15.

That wraps up round 1. Vacation, Beverly Hills Cop, Raising Arizona, Three Amigos, Zapped!, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, UHF, and Sixteen Candles all move on to round 2. All four brackets have now been completed and await their next match in round 2. Check the bracket to the right for a quick recap of round 1's winners, and return to The Snout Bag on March 22 to see how brackets 1 and 2 fare in round 2.

Worst Hangovers

The Snoutbagger recently purchased a few cases of Sierra Nevada's annual Bigfoot barleywine ale. As he quaffed the potent mead, he wondered, "What liquors give ye the fiercest hangover?" Let us examine those evil incarnates that wreak havoc on one's soul. What type of the creature packs the biggest wallop? We'll rank the Snoutbagger's 10 worst hangovers and the liquors responsible for them, starting with the tenth worst and leading up to the first.

*Disclaimer: do not under any circumstance attempt to replicate ANY of these.

10. Tequila Sunrise

The tequila sunrise is made with tequila, orange juice, and grenadine. It is perhaps an odd drink to include here, as most people haven't had one, or if they have they usually don't drink more than 1 or 2 at a sitting. However, the hangover that occurs after drinking 12 of them is absolutely intolerable. The sun sets pretty damn fast on your hopes to feel good after drinking them in large quantities. There is something about ingesting sugar along with alcohol that the body cannot process. And tequila sunrises have a lot of sugar. Besides drinking about 2 gallons of orange juice, the Snoutbagger also ended up drinking almost an entire bottle of grenadine. He can barely say it out loud without retching. When the real sunrise came the Snoutbagger felt like his soul was laced with Cuervo and pixie stix. The hangover from this is like a 24 hour bout with the worst case of diabetes on record. Guess what drink the Snoutbagger has never had since? That's right, the tequila sunrise. Hangover rating: 8.3/10

9. Gilbey's Gin and Cherry Kool-Aid

I hate Snoop Dog and his miscreant band of hoodlums for introducing the noxious concoction gin and juice back in the early nineties. What a horrible, wretched drink. No one drinks it any more, do they? I wonder why. Ever hear someone order gin and juice in a bar? No? It's because people who go to bars would rather drink afterbirth than gin and juice. Gilbey's gin mixed with cherry Kool-Aid lowers the bar even further. What is the one way to make a hard liquor hangover even worse? Low quality hard liquor and low quality mixers. Your first inclination that liquor is shitty is if the bottle bounces off the floor when you drop it; if it comes in a plastic container, chances are it is fermented from dead corpses, rat entrails, and mung. There are some types of liquor that are adequately drinkable in their cheapest form (not many mind you), but let me tell you friend, gin ain't one of them. Bad gin is absolutely horrible. Dump a few bottles of shitty gin into a metal cauldron filled with red sugar water, have a bunch of frat dudes schlep it out back of their frat house, let it sit in the sun for seven hours while birds shit in it, and you have the most disgusting, revolting liquid possible. The Snoutbagger's sox are still stained red because he puked on his feet back in '93. Hangover rating: 8.7/10

8. The Unhappy Triad

Orthopedic surgeons have a name for severe knee injuries which simultaneously sever the anterior cruciate ligament, meniscus, and medial collateral ligament: the unhappy triad. The eighth worst possible hangover results from a similar tragedy; it is created by combining three types of alcohol. Just as kids learn not to mix acids and bases in chemistry class, the Snoutbagger learned a painful lesson regarding mixing booze. What is particularly interesting is that each type of alcohol by themselves is virtually innocuous. It is only together that they transform into something terrible. Note that in addition to the type of liquor involved in the triad, one must also consume them in proper order. There is a catalyst too. To experience this hangover, first drink about 1/3 of a box of Franzia white zinfandel. Next, drink 8-10 bottles of lukewarm Michelob Genuine Draft. Next comes the catalyst: smoke a cheap cigar, like Swisher Sweets or something. After that, drink a bottle and a half of champagne. If you get it all down without puking (the Snoutbagger couldn't), you might die. Even if you do puke, enjoy the morning after. You'll never drink white zin again. Hangover rating: 8.9/10

7. Hooper's Hooch

The Snoutbagger is lucky to have avoided Hooper's Hooch most of his life. Hooper's Hooch is an alcopop, or a combination of soda pop and alcohol. The Bagger used to see it on the shelf at the store, and usually passed it over (wisely) in preference of something else. However the Hooch did find its way into the Bagger's maw one time, and the ramifications were bad. Its sugary essence makes you feel in similar fashion to the tequila sunrise described previously. A man the Bagger knows well got carried away one evening and drank a 12 pack of Hooper's Hooch and tried to fuck his cousin. The Hooch made him put his hand on her leg and say, "Here's where I want my hand. I want it here, or maybe higher up." The Hooch turns you into an incestuous letch, and should be avoided. Luckily for the Snoutbagger, he has no cousins. Hangover rating: 9.0/10

6. Platte Valley Corn Whiskey

Platte Valley Whiskey causes a tough hangover, especially considering that is isn't particularly strong for hard liquor. It ranks smack dab on the average at 80 proof, same as Jim Beam and Jack Daniels. Take a look at the dude on the bottle though, and you instantly realize that this potion is something to be reckoned with. His face is how your face looks after polishing this jug off. It comes with a cork stopper, which of course you lose after a few sips, causing you to finish the entire contents in one sitting. The Snoutbagger experienced a blistering hangover after sharing a jug with a friend. I must disclose that I was already shithoused at the point I began drinking Platte Valley, whence my friend surreptitiously presented the demon jug while slurring, "I bought this today to send to my -hic- friend in Colorado...fuck him...let's -hic- drink it ourselves." We downed it in about forty minutes. We both were DJs at a radio station (our show was called The Early Morning Bungus Show), and our shift ran from 8:00-11:00 the next morning. We finished the Platte Valley at around 3:30 am, passed out about 5:15, and somehow got up and staggered to work at 7:45. I still remember we were so hung over that my friend slept on the floor of the booth while I sat on the toilet and rested my face against the bathroom stall. Truly hoboesque. Luckily we had Henry Rollins' Human Butt CD playing on repeat so we didn't have to worry about changing music. It turned out to be one of our better shows. We definitely put more effort into it than usual. Bottom line, Platte Valley will beat the shit out of you; beware. Hangover rating: 9.1/10

5. Goldschlager

First things first, the Goldschlager of today is not the same as Goldschlager of yesteryear, and there is a BIG difference. Its proof today is 87; it was originally 107. That, my friends, is the difference between passing out peacefully and kicking your girlfriend in the stomach as the cops drag you to jail. 107 proof Schlager was a beast, and allowed even the heartiest of drinkers a well deserved morning of hell after a binge. The Snoutbagger once drank 8 shots in a row, after about 7 or 8 beers, then projectile vomited in a bar bathroom. By some impossibility of physics, puke actually ended up on the bathroom ceiling (I shit you not). The story goes like this...the Bagger and a friend were drinking at the bar, and started ordering shots of the gold succubus. After we had six each, I ordered another round. The bar chick delivered two more and the friend proclaimed in a glassy-eyed stupor, "I can't do it...I need to leave." The Snoutbagger proceeded to finish both shots, which soon led to the puking. The friend spent the next two days on the bathroom floor (he couldn't drink for shit); the Snoutbagger was an usher in a wedding at 11:00 the next morning. Nonetheless, more than a few lonely minutes were spent in the church apart from others while the Snoutbagger dealt with the gold mine churning in his liver. The Bagger felt like he ate 1000 Atomic Fireball jawbreakers that had been soaking in rubbing alcohol. People of today don't know what a bottle of 107 proof Goldschlager is capable of. Hangover rating: 9.2/10

4. Mad Dog 20/20

Mad Dog, a fortified wine, is a horrible combination of rotten grapes, stomach bile, and shame. It comes in assorted flavors with names similar to the crayons found in a box of Crayola 64. The Snoutbagger once consumed 2 1/2 bottles of Banana Red (other classy flavors include Lightening Creek, Kiwi Strawberry, and Orange Jubilee). What occurred next is only appropriate to reveal to a priest under the pretense of confidentiality. Let's just say that the Snoutbagger's behavior was two degrees better than that of his friend (let's call him Satan) who drank the same amount but had a half a bag of Red Man snuff to boot (pun intended, because that fucker booted like a sick animal). Hangover rating: 9.4/10

3. Cisco

Ah, devil Cisco. This drink is probably the closest one can get to liquid heroin without doing 20 years in prison. The warning on the label that "This is not a wine cooler" and that it "Serves 8" was not heeded by the Snoutbagger, and he and his cronies used to imbibe this wretched horror regularly. There is a period of time in one's life when they are strapped for cash and can only afford to spend around 3 dollars on alcohol. It is in these dark times when one finds themselves grabbing bottles of Cisco. The government should really outlaw this stuff. Many of the bagger's friends ended up pissing on strangers' doors or falling into water fountains after a night of Cisco. One person ran amuck and kicked a bicycle tire until it looked like a warped record. Its consistency is sort of like cough syrup and it tastes like Smarties candy if it were marinated in paint thinner. Who cares that there are multiple flavors, after three swigs you're so drunk you can't tell the difference. Expect a hangover so intense you can't get out of bed the next day. Hangover rating 9.6/10

2. Wild Blue Blueberry Lager

This wretched swill makes you feel like your insides have been coated with rubber cement. After drinking 8 of these one night, the Bagger could not bear to finish his 9th and let it be on the coffee table. The next morning, after waking to one of the worst cases of the horrors ever, he dumped the rest down the drain. He was appalled when he saw the color of the tepid ale: it looks like a combination of raspberry vinaigrette salad dressing and octopus ink. Let me save you a trip to the store to sample Wild Blue. Just imagine adding purple food coloring to your car's motor oil, then driving cross country and back 50 times; then imagine laying under your car, unplugging the oil drain, and letting the liquid slide down your throat hole. The feeling you'd get after that is about twice as good as what happens after consuming this stuff. This libation, above all else made the Snoutbagger feel some of the worse pangs of nausea to date. Hangover rating: 9.7/10

1. Hutterite Moonshine

I'm not even sure if this liquor is legal in the United States. It certainly isn't regulated by the FDA. The Hutterites are a group of people indigenous to northern U.S. and Canadian territories. They are of German descent, similar to the Amish, and live communally on colonies. The Snoutbagger is close friends with an elder living on a colony in Montana (like you care, let's get to the booze). Hutterites make their own moonshine. It's a fortified wine made from rhubarb - I estimate it to be between 35-40 proof. It packs a major wallop, and tastes sort of like gasoline mixed with packs of Splenda. They drink it like wine, but it really isn't possible to do so for very long because of the high alcohol content; you get so fucked up you start hallucinating nymphs and sprites playing in the granaries. A buddy and I once tried a game similar to the 100 shot club using Hutterite moonshine rather than beer, throwing in the towel after about 20 shots. The hangover that emerged was legendary. A Hutterite matriarch once told me tales of elders who wandered into quicksand mires because they believed God would keep them from drowning. As the Snoutbagger matured he figured such stories were probably the result of a few barrels of rhubarb moonshine gone missing. Hutterites are the most generous people on earth; they shower you with gifts of food and goodies when you visit them. Last time I visited one of the women snuck me a few jars of the shine; I didn't know whether to drink it or to pour it into my lawnmower. Yes, Hutterite moonshine is what gives lonely shepherds knowledge of their flock. Avoid and survive. Hangover rating: 9.8/10

80s Movie Smack-Off (Part 3)

We're now half way through the first round of the 80s Movie Smack-Off; winners from brackets 1 and 2 are in the second round (see part 1 and 2 in previous posts). Let the madness continue as we look to Bracket 3: the "B. A. Baracus" bracket. Here are the movies and their corresponding seeds for round 1 of Bracket 3:

Bracket 3 (B. A. Baracus Bracket)

1. Caddyshack
16. Mannequin

8. The Princess Bride
9. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

5. Ghostbusters
12. Coming to America

4. Throw Momma from the Train
13. Amazon Women on the Moon

6. The Goonies
11. Top Secret!

3. Porky's
14. Bachelor Party

7. Trading Places
10. Weekend at Bernie's

2. Weird Science
15. See No Evil, Hear No Evil

Round 1 Results: B. A. Baracus Bracket

A 16 seed has never upset a 1 seed in the NCAA tournament. But, there's always a first for everything. Our first major upset of the Smack-Off...sorry...I can't keep a straight face. Does anyone really think Mannequin has a shot against Caddyshack? Andrew McCarthy (Jonathan Switcher) plays his typical 80s role in Mannequin (the woe-is-me underappreciated yutz), accompanied by a dashing young Kim Cattrall (Emma Hesire). It's debatable as to who is the better actress, Cattrall or her plastic body-double. Mannequin also features a gay Black guy (Hollywood Montrose, played by Meshach Taylor) who stuffs as many cliche's as possible into 15 minutes of screen time. Mannequin deserves a place in the pantheon of 80s cinema, but Caddyshack is Odin and Zeus combined. Mannequin has Claire Timkin (Estelle Geddy); Caddyshack has Spalding (John F. Barman Jr.). 'Nuff said. Caddyshack destroys Mannequin 101-71 (extra credit for those who can name the teams and year of the NCAA championship game that ended in this score, the largest margin of victory ever).

The 8/9 seed is tougher to call. Both The Princess Bride and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure veer off the path a bit from typical 80s movies. Each are only loosely based on any real world we live in, so they are logical rivals here. Every girl I ever met loves The Princess Bride. I never understood this because it features many things women generally don't appreciate, like slap stick humor, professional wrestlers, and albinos. I guess Westley's (Cary Elwes) good looks and the storybook plot are the reason. Princess Bride is a classic fairytale with an 80s spin, and it has a lot of memorable lines and characters (even though Billy Crystal (Miracle Max) has only had about two jobs since). Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure elevated Keanu Reeves (Ted Logan) to lofty heights (Reeves likely didn't need a script for the role), and casting George Carlin (Rufus) is always a good choice (see Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back for an example). In the end, the shenanigans in Bill and Ted aren't enough to stop The Princess Bride. The committee got this seeding right; Princess Bride wins by 5.

Ghostbusters (#5) vs. Coming to America (#12) is another close match up. One could go either way here. Ghostbusters was huge when it was in theaters, had a massive marketing campaign, features a catchy song which still remains popular, and shines as one of the best comedies of the 80s. Coming to America didn't have quite the impact when it was released, but really encompasses the era in which it is set. Eddy Murphy (Akeem et al.) and Arsenio Hall (Semmi et al.) are good in their roles, though Murphy as Akeem is quite stale - he shines more playing the supporting characters. Eriq La Salle (Deryl Jenks) is fantastic as the jerry-curled sleaze bag, and a slew of hot Black chicks are showcased too (including porn star Midori). Ghostbusters is sort of the all-star game for 80s comedies; Bill Murray (Peter Venkman), Dan Aykroyd (Raymond Stantz), Harold Ramis (Egon Spengler), and Rick Moranis (Louis Tully) are all at the peaks of their careers. Sigourney Weaver (Dana Barrett) is her usual "sexy yet hideous" self. Both movies have great moments (a favorite in Coming to America is when riches-to-rags brothers Randolph (Ralph Bellamy) and Mortimer (Don Ameche) Duke from Trading Places are found living on the street: "We're back!" The landlord (Frankie Faison) is classic too. Ghostbusters wins in the end though, as Coming to America ultimately fails in its not-so-subtle attempt at social commentary. One gets the same feeling watching Coming to America as watching The Cosby Show: Both are just too consumed with social class in greater society and such attention distracts from what both really are: just entertainment. On a side note, it is interesting that Black entertainers seem to have identified material possessions as the most salient indicator of high society. One wonders if Coming to America was the impetus behind 1990s rap videos that invariably featured Black men (and women) wearing gaudy fur coats, drinking Crown Royal (really? crappy swill signifies making it in America?), and brandishing hundred dollar bills. Eddy Murphy and Bill Cosby are really up-tight about greater social issues; unfortunately neither are in an industry that gives a shit. While Coming to America is a great comedy chock full of funny moments, Ghostbusters wins by 1 by staying true to itself.

The 4 vs. 13 seeds are Throw Momma from the Train and Amazon Women on the Moon. Throw Momma features Danny DeVito (Owen) and Billy Crystal (Larry), and of course Momma (Anne Ramsey). Momma is a dark comedy, which gives it bonus points in my book, but it doesn't quite have the laughs per minute as does most other movies in the Smack-Off. Billy Crystal doesn't help much; he has to be one of the most overrated comics ever (my room in Hell will have When Harry Met Sally playing on loop). Amazon Women on the Moon is a slightly obscure movie in the style of Kentucky Fried Movie or the Groove Tube. One who hasn't seen Amazon Women would be surprised by the cast - it seems to co-star everyone from the era (e.g. Arsenio Hall, Michelle Pfeifer, Griffin Dunne, Joe Pantoliano, David Alan Grier, Rosanna Arquette, Steve Guttenburg, Ed Begley Jr., Andrew Dice Clay, and Carrie Fisher to name a few). It features a series of unrelated sketches interlaced between the "main" plotline, where a crew of astronauts discovers a species of women who inhabit the moon (this is actually about 40 thousand times funnier than it sounds). The main plot makes up about 15% of the entire movie, which really just jumps from sketch to sketch. It is a classic comedy of the era, and never gets old. Amazon Women on the Moon gets the major upset here; it throws Momma out of the Smack-Off, 73-62.

The 6/11 match up features The Goonies taking on Top Secret!. These are tough to compare head to head as they are completely different brands of humor. The Goonies is a family-oriented movie that all ages can appreciate; Top Secret! is a silly pre-cursor to the stupid movie genre which flourished in the 90s and 2000s (e.g. Hot Shots, Loaded Weapon, Scary Movie, and Fatal Instinct). Both are great for different reasons. Some of the humor in Top Secret! is so forced it misses, but other moments are among the funniest ever. If you doubt this, go back and watch the sequence when Nigel (Christopher Villiers) crawls into a cow costume in order to infiltrate a guarded compound - tell me the footage of the (real) cow running in combat boots isn't the funniest thing you've ever seen. The Goonies features mostly child actors, including Corey Feldman (Mouth), Sean Austin (Mikey), and Josh Brolin (Brandin). Ya gotta love the 80s Asian stereotyping too, a la Sixteen Candles, Gung Ho, and Caddyshack (Jonathan Ke Quan as Data is classic). Anne Ramsey makes her second appearance in this bracket as a wretched mother, playing the lovely Mama Fratelli. The Goonies gets the nailbiter win, mostly because it just is a better movie than Top Secret!. The Goonies remains one of the gems of the 80s, which is why it wins by 6.

Porky's (#3) vs. Bachelor Party (#14) is a great match between two unabashedly male comedies. These movies weren't made for chicks; they're for dudes. Porky's, while deserving a place among 80s folklore, just doesn't have quite the bang for all the attention it has received. Apart from the ample T and A Porky's is known for, it is really just an average movie, and grossly overrated. Bachelor Party however succeeds in all its glory; Tom Hanks (Rick Gassko) plays his usual snarky pre-Philadelphia/Gump self. Bachelor Party also provides evidence for how hot Tawny Kitaen (Debbie Thompson) was before Chuck Finley (ex LA Angels pitcher) dumped her (yes kids, she actually did more than cartwheels on David Coverdale's car). Rick's boozebag pals are great too, providing a nice homage to a time when it was acceptable in some circles to be a doctor or professional and tell others you looked forward to a night of banging hookers and snorting blow. Bachelor Party even hits a three-pointer before the half when the donkey dies from eating quaaludes and doing bumps of coke. Bachelor Party gets the upset, and wins 74-61.

The 7 and 10 seeds pit Trading Places against Weekend at Bernie's. This is a tough match up. Trading Places is one of the first Saturday Night Live spin-off movies, and really holds up well over the years. It goes without saying that Eddie Murphy (Billy Ray Valentine) and Dan Aykroyd (Louis Winthorpe III) are perfect in their role-reversals, and Trading Places has that scene every boy from the 80s remembers: when Ophelia (Jamie Lee Curtis) takes her top off to reveal her tits! (Who cares if her hair looked like your little brother's). I'm sure more than one betamax player's pause button fell off due to that sequence. Weekend at Bernie's is a great film to use as a barometer for understanding someone's personality; if they like it, chances are they also laugh at their own farts, construct pyramids out of Keystone Ice beer cans, and ask friends to smell their fingers after a date. Those who watched Seinfeld may remember the episode when Kramer recommends Weekend at Bernie's to Elaine; her reaction probably represents the reaction 90% of the women who saw it have: that 90 minutes of their life had been eradicated for no good reason. But, Andrew McCarthy (Larry Wilson) and Jonathan Silverman (Richard Parker) are awesome together in Weekend at Bernie's. Another thing that is great about Weekend at Bernie's is Bernie Lomax himself (Terry Kiser), particularly in the first few minutes of the film when he is alive. If you haven't seen it in awhile you may have forgotten his character before he was murdered; go back and see how slick he was as the asshole shyster. Nonetheless, Trading Places is far superior in all facets, and wins this match in a rout 77-52.

The last match up for round 1 of Bracket 3 is Weird Science (#2) vs. (#15) See No Evil, Hear No Evil. Weird Science is perhaps the most prototypical 80s comedy ever; it's silly, has 80s staples Anthony Michael Hall (Gary Wallace) and Robert Downey Jr. (Ian), and of course sexpot Kelly LeBrock (Lisa) before she got fat. Weird Science is easy to defend here, it follows the typical 70s/80s storyline of the coming of age teenager who gets the girl (e.g. My Tutor, Last American Virgin, Can't Buy Me Love, or Mischief) while weaving supernatural zaniness throughout. See No Evil, Hear No Evil is really good too. Its clever plot regarding a blind dude and deaf dude who witness a murder is great, and the casting of Richard Pryor (Wally Karue) and Gene Wilder (Dave Lyons) together caps a nice sequence of movies for the duo. It was one of Pryor's last significant movies (Harlem Nights, also released in 1989, was his last cinematic appearance of any stature due to his struggle with multiple sclerosis). The clever writing in Evil doesn't stop Weird Science though. Weird Science has characters who wear bras on their heads. Weird Science wins here by 10, and moves on to round 2.

That wraps it up for round 1 of the B. A. Baracus bracket. Caddyshack, The Princess Bride, Ghostbusters, Amazon Women on the Moon, The Goonies, Bachelor Party, Trading Places, and Weird Science all survive and move on to round 2. Check back on March 15 to see how round 1 for Bracket 4 (the "Rocky Dennis Bracket") breaks down.

80s Movie Smack-Off (Part 2)

It's time to continue the quest to discover the best 80s comedy movie, March Madness style. Round 1 for Bracket 1 is in the books; 8 movies have made the field of 32 so far. See the 80s Movie Smack-Off (Part 1) blog entry for Bracket 1 results and contest details.

Without further dudes, let's examine the competitors in Bracket 2 (the "Gag Me with a Spoon" bracket) and their corresponding seeds:

Bracket 2 (Gag Me with A Spoon Bracket).

1. Fletch
16. Once Bitten

8. Pee-Wee's Big Adventure
9. Robocop

5. This is Spinal Tap
12. Hollywood Shuffle

4. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
13. Summer School

6. Teen Wolf
11. A Fish Called Wanda

3. Airplane!
14. Brewster's Millions

7. Spaceballs
10. Uncle Buck

2. The Naked Gun
15. The Man With Two Brains

Round 1 Results: Gag Me with A Spoon Bracket

The 1/16 match up in this bracket is tantamount to any John Wooden coached UCLA team playing Wellesley College. It's a serious yawner, over in the first three minutes of the game. Fletch probably has more memorable quotes than any movie of its era, and features Chevy Chase at the pinnacle of his career; Once Bitten has its moments but only taps the surface of a young Jim Carrey's talent. Once Bitten is Lauren Hutton's last hurrah as the sultry temptress; her "feminine wiles gas tank" is not quite empty, but its about 25 miles away from the warning light coming on. John Cocktoasten, Igor Stravinsky, Alfredo Garcia, and Gordon Liddy all agree that Fletch barely breaks a sweat in this lopsided match up. Fletch wins by 40.

Pee-Wee's Big Adventure vs. Robocop makes a compelling 8/9 match up. Both are unique and quirky, and are capable of multiple viewings. Pee-Wee's Big Adventure wins out regarding the absurdity of its characters, as they are some of the strangest and funniest ever (remember Large Marge's face?). The plot, though silly, somehow makes Pee-Wee's (Paul Reubens) weird-o persona seem somewhat normal. Tim Burton does a great job telling a story and not simply recreating Pee-Wee's Playhouse for 90 minutes. Robocop is timeless, and has some of the best subtleties in cinematic history, period. Ronny Cox (Dick Jones) and Miguel Ferror (Robert Morton) are insanely good (take a look at Ferror's body language during the meeting where Cox presents the first robocop prototype - it's priceless). Robocop also works on dual levels, somehow making Officer Alex Murphy's (Peter Weller) bionic corpse show emotion. Robocop beats Pee-Wee's Big Adventure in a nailbiter, 74-71.

The 5/12 match up is between This Is Spinal Tap and Hollywood Shuffle. Spinal Tap is quintessential Christopher Guest and cronies - the perfect mockumentary capturing the essence of the rock and roll lifestyle. It's a cult classic with many quotable moments and enduring characters. The triad of Guest (Nigel Tufnel), Michael McKean (David St. Hubbins), and Harry Shearer (Derek Smalls) fit together seamlessly (as they do in all Guest's movies), and the original soundtrack is A+ too. "Stonehenge," "big bottoms," and "shit sandwich" are soundbites all remember from Spinal Tap. Hollywood Shuffle, written and directed by Robert Townsend, is one of the first movies in the In Living Color brand of humor. The sketches are great and don't distract from the plot of the movie, and the social commentary is touching without being overwhelmingly preachy. If you love pimp humor and Black comedies of the nineties like Friday, this movie is for you. Hollywood Shuffle is a bit under the radar regarding great 80s comedies, but it shouldn't be. It's a classic, which is why it gets the major upset in beating This Is Spinal Tap by two points in overtime. Cast your mind back to 1998 when Bryce Drew hit the winning shot to advance Valparaiso past Ole Miss: like Valpo, Hollywood Shuffle is one of this tournament's dark horses.

The 4/13 duo between Planes, Trains, and Automobiles and Summer School pits 80s juggernaut comedians Steve Martin and John Candy against a bunch of no names and young actors Mark Harmon and Kirstie Alley. Candy's portrayal of Del Griffith in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is perhaps his strongest performance of the decade. It's a major plus that Griffith is a shower curtain ring salesman. Steve Martin (Neal Page) plays the straight man well; memorable scenes include Page washing his face with Griffith's underwear, and Page telling the rental car agent (Edie McClurg) to "Give me a fucking automobile...a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick...four fucking wheels and a seat!" The dynamic between Martin and Candy is an 80s version of The Odd Couple, and holds up well over time. Summer School does not hold up quite as well, because Summer School's characters are mostly teenagers which reflect the era's pop culture. That being the case one might think Planes, Trains and Automobiles wins this match easily, but - surprise - it doesn't. Why? Summer School, while only enjoying a cult following, has Dave and Chainsaw (played by Gary Riley and Dean Cameron, respectively), who represent the epitome of 80s misspent youth. Additionally, Mark Harmon's character (Freddy Shoop) commits countless transgressions, and in doing so elevates his character to a bad-ass level beyond anyone in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Shoop is a good guy, right? Let's examine his good deeds: While up for tenure he bribes his students to study so he can be seen as an effective teacher, he encourages students to lie to get free stuff, he takes his students to the beach so that the males can see a female foreign exchange student in a bikini (Fabiana Udenio), he gets arrested for giving vodka to minors, and he allows his 15 year old female student (Courtney Thorne-Smith) to live with him in his 500 square foot hovel by the beach. Maybe he's not such a good guy. But he sure is awesome. Summer School's grubby yet genuine cast of characters helps it beat Planes, Trains, and Automobiles in an upset 68-62.

The 6/11 seeds feature Teen Wolf and A Fish Called Wanda. Teen Wolf is vintage Michael J. Fox (Scott Howard); Wanda is great because Jon Cleese (Archie Leach) and Kevin Kline (Otto) have solid roles that shine; Wanda also provides one of the last opportunities for Jamie Lee Curtis (Wanda Gershwitch) to be a sex symbol before she started looking like NFL quarterback Kurt Warner's wife circa 2001. Otto proclaiming "It's K-K-K-Ken c-c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill me!" regarding Ken Pile (Michael Palin) and his stuttering is classic. Teen Wolf however has Stiles (Jerry Levine) and Boof (Susan Ursitti), not to mention great apathetic characters like Coach Finstock (Jay Tarses) and Chubby (Mark Holton). A Fish Called Wanda is a more mature and refined comedy (Animal House might be more mature than Teen Wolf), but Teen Wolf throws up hot sick all over Wanda because it is so archetypal 80s. Additionally, the wolf can dunk, and the 80s Movie Smack-Off emulates basketball. Teen Wolf to round 2.

Unfortunately for Brewster's Millions (#14), it drew Airplane! (#3) in the first round. Brewster's Millions is a decent comedy, and Richard Prior (Montgomery Brewster) shows a bit of range as an actor, but Airplane! breaks the mold and resets the bar for laughs per minute. Airplane! never runs out of steam, is bursting with talent, and is as funny today as it was 30 years ago. Even considering that John Candy (Spike Nolan) also stars in Brewster's Millions (was he in EVERY 80s movie?), Airplane! ploughs through it like a runaway truck. Airplane! wins 81-58.

The 7/10 match up is between Spaceballs and Uncle Buck (what a shock...more John Candy!). This is a tight battle; Spaceballs is legendary and provides the lasting quote "May the Schwartz be with you." Uncle Buck doesn't have quite the sound bites, but it is still great and features Candy (Buck Russell) at perhaps his heaviest. The sweater he dustbusts crums off could be made into one of those flags Marines roll out across football fields during national anthems. Uncle Buck also features a very young McCauley Caulkin (Miles Russell) who swears: "Ow you're hurting my arm God dammit!" Spaceballs is of course completely different. Spaceballs wins here in double overtime, mostly because Uncle Buck changes gears midway into more of a drama (like when Tia Russell (played by Jean Louisa Kelly) lies to her mom and claims that Buck drinks around the kids without a hint of comic relief. What a bitch, huh?). Spaceballs might have won in regulation if it wasn't for Buck's friend Pal (Dennis Cockrum) hitting on Tia at the bowling alley; Pal ("You a cheerleader? You look firm.") is so impossibly sleazy he easily keeps Uncle Buck alive through 2 OTs - one of the best tertiary characters ever!

One might consider the 2/15 match up between The Naked Gun and The Man with Two Brains to be likened to the first round of the 1991 NCAA tournament when 15 seeded Richmond upset 2 seeded Syracuse. Like the Orangeman, The Naked Gun seems an overwhelming favorite, but there are great moments provided by Steve Martin (Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr) and his brain container girlfriend Anne Uumellmahaye (voiced by Sissy Spacek) that might be used to argue for an upset. The Man with Two Brains is a great quirky comedy, and also features Kathleen Turner (Dolores Benedict) when she had a sultry voice and a smokin' body (now she sounds like Harvey Fierstein and looks like Bruce Vilanch, proving that Father Time remains undefeated). The Naked Gun has Lieutenant Frank Drebin (Lesley Nielson) and...almost too surreal to be true...OJ Simpson! Go back and watch the beginning when OJ (Nordberg) is staking out the villains' yacht. Then think about who that is. Re-watch it again. Think about it some more. The mind spins considering such a juxtaposition. Nonetheless, (alleged) murderers aside, The Naked Gun is a seminal comedy that is too powerful for a film like The Man with Two Brains. Richmond doesn't beat Syracuse here; The Naked Gun wins by 19.

That concludes round 1 for the Gag Me with A Spoon bracket. Fletch, Robocop, Hollywood Shuffle, Summer School, Teen Wolf, Airplane!, Spaceballs, and The Naked Gun all advance to round 2. Check back on March 8 for part 3 of the 80s Movie Smack-Off to see how Bracket 3 - the "B.A. Baracus" bracket - breaks down.

Snout Bag Sangria

Here's the Snoutbagger's Boozy Sangria Recipe:

Prep Time: 15 minutes
Ready In: 2 hours, 15 minutes
Serves: 3-4 (1-2 hobos)

INGREDIENTS
1 orange
1 lemon
1 lime
½ cup white sugar
2 cups spiced rum (Captain Morgan™)
1 bottle (750 milliliter) GOOD QUALITY dry red wine (e.g. Cabernet Sauvignon)
1 cup orange juice (no pulp)
12 oz. ginger ale (Canada Dry™)

*Optional: Add additional fruit (strawberries, grapes, etc.). Porous fruits will absorb the rum.

DIRECTIONS
Chill fruit, rum, wine, orange juice, and ginger ale.
Slice lemon, lime, and orange into thin rounds and place in a large bowl (or glass pitcher).
Pour in the rum and sugar; spread sugar evenly on fruit (both sides).
Chill in refrigerator for 2 hours to develop flavors.
When ready to serve, crush fruit lightly with a wooden spoon and stir in wine, orange juice, and ginger ale.
Serve in a clear glass over ice.

**Optional: Serve with 1 shot Grand Marnier™, or float shot on top.