The Snoutbagger loves music. I am an audiophile in the truest sense of the word. And, my musical taste is quite varied, ranging from classical, jazz, rock, and pop music across the decades. My only criterion for music is this: that it is
good. I don't care if it's a three minute bubblegum pop song or a forty minute progressive rock opera, as long as it has great musicianship, a solid melody, and is genuine in its attempt at being a work of art, then I appreciate it.
I often think about all the shitty music that is produced today and consumed by the masses. The
Turd has been ranting about this the past few weeks, so I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring.
It's not that bad music is unique to this era. I recall going to people's houses twenty years ago and thinking "what shitty taste in music this person has" while perusing their CD collections. This especially became evident when going to college and seeing everyone's music collection. Every dipshit in my dorm seemed to own
The Steve Miller Band's Greatest Hits and
Bob Marley Legend (and often little else). When I saw this I immediately knew they were posers and had no individual music taste. In the 90s, one knew exactly who you were if you owned CDs by popular "artists" such as
Boys II Men,
Jesus Jones, or
Lenny Kravitz: a slave to fashion.
For those of you who are wondering if being a slave to fashion is a bad thing, consider this quote by Oscar Wilde:
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Some of you may be shivering in your boots, not being certain if you are one of the slaves Oscar and I are referring to. Well, I have made it easy on you; I've compiled a list of 20+ albums that epitomize the mediocrity of the music industry over the past two decades. There are other examples out there, but these are some of the most popular examples of crappy contemporary music.
You may not know that you have poor taste in music, so I created a simple formula you can apply to yourself to discover your level of music integrity. Here's what you need to do:
Below is a list of some of the shittiest albums released over the past few years. I provide a short description about why it sucks. For each of the following records you own, give yourself 1 point. Then, total all points and use the legend at the end of this entry to see where you stand. Before you begin, give yourself 1 point if you only listen to music on an iPod, and 2 additional points if you do not own CDs or records but rather download all your music over the internet.
Here's the list. Remember: 1 point for each one you own:
Green Day - American Idiot
This is one of the better albums on this list (relatively speaking of course).
Green Day is a great band to use as a barometer for someone's musical taste. They are supposed to be punk, but they aren't. They're supposed to be angry at society, but they're not. What they are is your basic corporate sponsored boy band that fits a niche. They have a few decent songs, but overall they are a shitty, overrated band.
Rihanna - Music of the Sun
Rihanna emerged a few years back, and quickly became one of the most recognizable figures in hip hop. She is a perfect example of a semi-decent singer who obviously got a record deal because of her looks. If an artist is as interested in fashion as they are in music, beware. This always means they are products of the music industry. Rihanna got beat up by her boyfriend; maybe that will inspire her to actually write her own songs.
Pussycat Dolls - PCD
The latest in the unending cycle of corporate all-girl bands are the
Pussycat Dolls. They are so ridiculously bad it should be obvious to anyone. Their target demographic seems to be tweens and 40 something single men. Musically, it is not even worth discussing why such songs as the 2005 release "Dontcha," are horrible. The
Pussycat Dolls are a perfect example of why America can really suck the big one from time to time.
Nickelback - All the Right Reasons
Nickelback is the ultimate poser band. They're sort of like
Winger was in the 80s. They're the band you can use to determine who the pussies are regarding music fans. They have a few decent songs (meaning they have pleasant melodies), but they are overly sentimental and sappy for the most part. The fact that Chad Kroger thinks he's tough is laughable, and they are simply embarrassing as a legitimate music act. Check this
YouTube clip for an example of how some fans treat them.
Lauryn Hill - The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
Lauryn Hill has to be one of the worst artists ever. For some reason this album was seen as a masterpiece concept album when it was released in 1998. It won 5 Grammys and was named album of the year. Deplorable as it is unlistenable. The hit song
Doo Wap (That Thing) has to be one of the worst singles ever recorded. Hill was a child actor, the first evidence that she is not an artist but rather someone who wanted to be famous. It's funny how the best music artists don't really find themselves dabbling into other genres. There's a reason for that: because those that do are not artists but rather performers. It is also ironic how hip hop records fade into obscurity after their time in the sun. See the previous Oscar Wilde quote for why that is.
Alicia Keys - Songs in A Minor
Alicia Keys is a perfect example of a barely talented musician who made it big due to her good looks. She is not a very good piano player, especially when comparing her to any jazz pianist or even most rock keyboard players. She gets along OK playing chords and has a few things memorized (like the runs she sometimes plays). She is credited for writing many of her songs, which is a bonus. This might mean something if the songs weren't so crappy.
Enrique Iglesias - Enrique
Enrique Iglesias gives new meaning to nepotism. He's basically another product of the industry, getting a head start because of his father's reputation in Latin America. Enrique has an acceptable voice I suppose though it is overly throaty and sugary, but his music is atrocious. "Bailamos" was his break-through single which crossed him over to the mainstream American music scene. He followed with "Hero" and...well that's about it in America. His music is over produced and processed. It's like bologna. If he wasn't good looking he'd be selling Chiclets at the border rather than cashing checks.
Maroon 5 - Songs About Jane
Maroon 5 is the worst band to emerge in the 2000s, hands down. They represent the worst of everything music has become (with the exception of rap and hip hop). The only thing they have going for them is that they actually play their instruments (as far as I know). The singer's voice is intolerable and the songs are uninspired. I have no idea why anyone over the age of 14 would buy one of their albums.
Mary J. Blige - The Breakthrough
Mary J. Blige is a perfect example of all hip hop music. It's a carbon copy of everything else. She's just a singer, and her music appeals to the most basic human emotions. She epitomizes the warbling and out-of-control singing style that many females have taken to (I blame Mariah Carey for this phenomenon). I am not certain why many think she is so good. Mary J. Boring.
Color Me Badd - C.M.B.
This atrocious band scored the hits "I Wanna Sex You Up" and "I Adore Mi Amore" in the early 90s. They represented the worst of the culmination of the late 80s R and B pop music by white musicians.
Color Me Badd's blatant sexuality is symbolic of the newest generation leaving decorum and integrity in the rear view mirror of society's evolutionary vehicle.
Dave Matthews Band - Crash
Sorry Dave, I realize you are by far the best band on this list, and that you have a huge fan base. I also apologize because on the face your music really should appeal to me. You have a talented band, you write your own stuff, and you are decent live. However, you just haven't really created anything that GOOD! I have tried to like the
Dave Matthews Band, but I just can't. The
Dave Matthews Band is like that girl you were good friends with in high school, the one who made perfect sense for you to be with because she was loyal and smart, and the one that you simply weren't physically attracted to in the least.
DMB is easily one of the most overrated bands in the industry.
Matchbox Twenty - Exile on Mainstream
Crapbox Twenty (as the
Turd calls them) is another good example of a contemporary band that really isn't that good. I never understood the fascination with Rob Thomas. Does he have a great voice? No. Does he rip on some instrument? No. So, what gives?
Matchbox Twenty, together with bands like
Smashmouth and
Sugar Ray signify a weird trend the music industry experienced in the late 1990s. The industry seemed to be turning its attention back toward real bands with real musicians. But, those "real" bands just weren't that good. They had a few "hits" and then disappeared. Notice how Billy Joel and Elton John didn't have a three-year run only to fade away? I wonder why...
Usher - Confessions
Songs from this album were played and played and played on MTV and in sporting arenas everywhere. Terrible. Next time you hear a song from this album, focus only on the music and not the voices. A three year old could program a better background track. Listen to the synthesizer intro on the song "Yeah" (inspired name, huh?). Couple that with Lil Jon screaming in the background and you get one of the simplest and most mindless recordings ever. Now THAT is an awesome riff. Great stuff Usher. Beware artists who rely on their abs to sell records.
Creed - Human Clay
Creed suffers from the same disease that
Nickelback suffers from. They try too hard to be a meaningful band and in doing so fall flat on their face. What's worse is that
Creed is far inferior to
Nickelback. The fact that the lead singer wrote a song to his unborn son places them smack dab in the middle of the gayest bands of all time. They mostly appeal to chicks (I hope), and they are basically Christian rock and rollers. Let's not get into why that crowd sucks.
Destiny's Child - The Writing's on the Wall
En Vogue, I mean
Destiny's Child is the end result of music business cattle calls that sought to find the most promising - and good looking - young black women performers. As with all groups who try to look good first and sound good second, the music is mostly forgettable. Beyonce and Kelly Rowland can sing a little, can act a little, and are both easy on the eyes. Neither write their own stuff nor play any instruments. They just sing other people's stuff. It's also interesting how these types of groups never last long. They are designed with a formula in mind. Pump out a few albums, tour a bit, and then dismantle the band so that its stars can make more money making movies. Funny how I never mentioned the quality of the music in this formula.
Black Eyed Peas - Monkey Business
While the
Black Eyed Peas' album
Elephunk is actually listenable,
Monkey Business shows how they have become one of the worst mainstream acts to date. Why? Because this little record has a song called "My Humps" which must be considered the worst song ever recorded. Yes, the worst. They are beyond shitty live, bouncing about and shouting off key (when there even is a key). They in many ways represent the reason music sucks today: their music is an amalgamation of all sorts of genres, and together it basically sounds like shit.
Mariah Carey - Daydream
Mariah Carey is revered by many because of her multiple octave range. Beyond that, I defy you to name one of her songs that is really any good. The fact that she recently surpassed the Beatles with more #1 hits than any recording artist in history is so astonishing I can't even speak. There is obviously no accounting for taste in America. There is one or two of her early songs that are OK...but most of her stuff is really bad. To top it off, many of her hit songs are COVER tunes. That shouldn't be allowed.
Limp Bizkit - Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water
The only thing good about
Limp Bizkit is the name of their albums.
Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water is a legitimately funny name, albeit gross as fuck. Fred Durst though is a no talent turd who somehow found a niche in the music industry. Notice that nobody talks about him anymore. No one listens to
Limp Bizkit either. Why? Because they sucked then and still still suck now.
Toby Keith - Unleashed
Toby Keith is one of the biggest assholes on the planet. He is uber-patriotic, pro-America, and anti-terrorist. He is an ironic figure because people like him are the exact reason why we are attacked by terrorists in the first place. He epitomizes the ugly American. Beyond this fact, if you can't see that songs like "Beer for my Horses," "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue," and "Stays in Mexico" are crap, you probably are part of the reason why the rest of the world hates us too.
Janet Jackson - Janet
Janet Jackson is sort of a lesser version of Mariah Carey. Jackson doesn't have nearly the natural talent as Carey. I'm not certain if her songs are worse than Carey's or just as bad. Jackson is another product of the music industry. She's done some singing, some acting, and some performing. Her lame attempt to be big at the Superbowl (her "costume malfunction) pretty much sums up the quality of her career.
Kanye West - Late Registration
Horrible. Absolutely horrible. I do not understand Kanye West's success. He has to have sold his soul to the devil. The only good thing about him is that he regularly shows how much of an idiot he is on camera. I have never seen a better modern day example of the
Emperor's New Clothes than Kanye West. I refuse to believe that there is one person on this planet who actually thinks he is good deep down.
Justin Timberlake - FutureSex/LoveSounds
Justin Timberlake is the male version of Beyonce Knowles. Just read the previous entry for
Destiny's Child and insert Timberlake's name where you see Beyonce's name, and
'N SYNC when you see
Destiny's Child.
Gwen Stefani - Love. Angel. Music. Baby
Something happened to Gwen Stefani after she left
No Doubt to begin a solo career: there was "no doubt" that she sucked. Songs like "Hollaback Girl" elevated her to a new level of mediocrity. If you own one of her albums, you probably don't like this
Snout Bag posting very much.
Fergie - The Dutchess
Fergie is really bad, and the more exposure she gets the more one can realize this. She doesn't sing particularly well, and she is way overexposed. She is a classic example of the narcissism that defines the music industry today. This is especially evident in contemporary Black music, but has come to define all current music. Fergie's song "Fergalicious" is a perfect example of this. What happened in music where artists felt compelled to sing about themselves and how awesome they think they are? How embarrassing.
50 Cent - Get Rich or Die Tryin'
50 Cent gained fame at the time of his debut record release thanks to a intensive marketing campaign about him being shot earlier in life.
Get Rich or Die Tryin' is your typical rap album, no more, no less. It sucks for the same reasons most rap albums suck: it's indulgent, narcissistic, cliched, and mindless. Wow: another rap album about how it sucks to be Black and on the street and guns and dope and chicks and and blah blah blah. What a broken record. I can't believe society isn't through with rap yet. What blight on Black culture in America.
Ricky Martin - Ricky Martin
The last album on this list is Ricky Martin's 1999 eponymous release. I really hope you don't own this. It is so ironic, fitting, and any other adjective you can think of that he is gay (shocking). It is somehow satisfying to think about all the dumb girls who thought he was something 10 years ago and what they must think now. Who cares about his sexual orientation though. That has nothing to do with why this album sucks. Awesome lyrics: "She'll push and pull you down, livin la vida loca...her lips are devil red and her skin's the color mocha...". Her skin's the color mocha? Is that the best they could do?
Scoring
Calculate your score based on the previous instructions (1 point for each of album owned). Then, use the table below to find out if you have bad taste in music or not:
0-2: Acceptable amount of shitty music owned, but only if this number represents less than 5% of your music catalogue. If you own
The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill and a
Maroon 5 CD, you better have about 50 other albums not on this list.
3-4: Unacceptable amount of shitty music owned. If this number is anything but 1% of your overall catalogue, you might not be a music idiot, but you are definitely the kind of person who says things like "raise the roof" or "holla at ya boy." If you are a guy you likely lift your shirt to expose your abs when people take your picture. If you are a girl you likely attempt to make gang signs with your hands when people take your picture.
5-7: You have poor taste in music. The only thing that might save your cause is that you simply do not really listen to music much, and your music collection has been given to you by others.
8-10: You are a slave to the music industry, consuming whatever the mainstream media tells you is good. You likely watch TV shows like
Tyler Perry's House of Payne, American Idol, and
Access Hollywood.
11+: You do not have any taste in music. You are part of the problem. You have no genuine notion of what art is, or what constitutes quality. By owning and listening to this many artists on the list you obviously follow every fashion trend that exists. Listen to me when I tell you that there is a world out there that you know nothing about, that there are things you will never be able to comprehend, and that there are people who laugh at you behind your back. The best way to describe you is with an analogy: You are to those with sophisticated taste in music as a chimpanzee is to the human species. I say this with no guile or exaggeration.
The 1 vs. 16 seeds pit the venerable Donkey Kong against Battlezone. Donkey Kong is one of the most popular games ever, spawning Mario and the myriad Super Mario franchises. Battle zone was one of the first vector games, and featured a unique interface (the player stood on a platform and looked through a viewfinder). Yes, you looked like a complete dork playing Battlezone, but you were probably so scared of being hit by an enemy tank that you didn't care. The crescent moon in the back ground and the pyramids added to the experience, even though the graphics were extremely simple. The cool dual joysticks let you make turns similar to a real tank, but alas the game was very difficult. A quarter never lasted me more than a few minutes. Donkey Kong is far superior; it beats Battlezone easily.
The 8/9 match up is between Crystal Castles and Phoenix. Crystal Castles was great; Bentley Bear was a fun character, and there were enemies like gem eaters, walking trees, a wicked witch, and those awful fucking bees. Crystal Castles was one of the more stressful games; you never seemed to be able to collect gems fast enough to keep the bee swarm at bay, and most players couldn't achieve more than a few levels. Phoenix was fun too; it's similar to Gorf in many ways, offering multiple screens with different challenges. Those crazy birds that split in two when shot were cool, and the sounds were captivating. This is a close match up, but Crystal Castles wins due to the "cute" factor of the characters, plus the unique game play featuring a roller ball.
The 4/13 seed is between Robotron 2084 and Missle Command, two early 80s contenders. Robotron is underrated. It is a perfect game. Two joysticks and no buttons, Robotron offers lunatic fringe speed and insanity. From the first screen, enemies come at you fast and furious. The game is relentless. There is no time to rest; the 3 second breather between screens only increases your fear as you realize "Oh shit, it's another Brain level." Missile Command is classic too. It is not as intense as Robotron at first, but it gets hairy soon enough. When you realize that the missiles come at you from all angles and at different speeds, you are almost relieved when you lose. Both games are extremely stressful, but Robotron is better. I am confident that the worlds' wars from now on should be settled with Robotron tournaments. The nation who is best at Robotron deserves to win. It's another game I would love today's youth to endure; You think Guitar Hero is tough? Your mom can play Guitar Hero. Robotron shits in Guitar Hero's pants and makes Rock Band change the diaper.
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