Here's the Snoutbagger's Boozy Sangria Recipe:
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Ready In: 2 hours, 15 minutes
Serves: 3-4 (1-2 hobos)
INGREDIENTS
1 orange
1 lemon
1 lime
½ cup white sugar
2 cups spiced rum (Captain Morgan™)
1 bottle (750 milliliter) GOOD QUALITY dry red wine (e.g. Cabernet Sauvignon)
1 cup orange juice (no pulp)
12 oz. ginger ale (Canada Dry™)
*Optional: Add additional fruit (strawberries, grapes, etc.). Porous fruits will absorb the rum.
DIRECTIONS
Chill fruit, rum, wine, orange juice, and ginger ale.
Slice lemon, lime, and orange into thin rounds and place in a large bowl (or glass pitcher).
Pour in the rum and sugar; spread sugar evenly on fruit (both sides).
Chill in refrigerator for 2 hours to develop flavors.
When ready to serve, crush fruit lightly with a wooden spoon and stir in wine, orange juice, and ginger ale.
Serve in a clear glass over ice.
**Optional: Serve with 1 shot Grand Marnier™, or float shot on top.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tony Kornheiser Sent to the Dunce Corner?
The most recent sign the apocalypse is upon us regards Washington Post columnist and ESPN Network's Pardon The Interruption (PTI) host Tony Kornheiser. ESPN reported today that Kornheiser has been suspended for two weeks for making comments about anchorwoman Hannah Storm's choice of on-air clothing. Storm, a colleague of Kornheiser, anchors the morning edition of SportsCenter on ESPN TV. Kornheiser was quoted saying that an outfit Storm wore was "horrifying," that it looked like "sausage casing," and that her "Catholic school plaid skirt" was "way too short for someone in her 40s and maybe 50s" (Storm is 47).
Disregarding the circular (il)logic of ESPN reporting their own employee's suspension (ESPN has more and more come to create its own news while forgetting that a sports news network should focus on events outside Bristol, Connecticut), such an act blows the door wide open for what is considered heresy in sports journalism. After all, isn't it sort of Kornheiser's job to essentially say compelling and controversial things (he is not an anchor; he's a columnist)? Additionally, any regular watcher of PTI has heard him utter far worse about the physical appearance of various athletes. He usually does so while juxtaposing the comment with a self-defacing dig at himself; such banter is part of his unique wit and wisdom.
Concerning the suspension, last I checked defamatory speech against another is only slander if it is false. It makes more sense to suspend Kornheiser for getting his facts wrong: the thigh high boots and cellophane tube tops Storm usually wears are bad taste for anyone older than 21, let alone someone on the wrong side of 40. Maybe the ugly truth hits ESPN a little too close to home. They know that most of her outfits require two hairdos.
While some may be baffled as to why ESPN took such action, it isn't unheard of in this day in age to censor sports journalists. In 2003 the Boston Globe suspended veteran columnist Bob Ryan for a month without pay for saying that NBA point guard Jason Kidd's wife needed someone to "smack her." While I disliked Ryan's suspension too (not for the injustice of the punishment but because I missed his brilliant commentary), at least Ryan's comments were clearly inappropriate. But back to Kornheiser: who exactly is ESPN kow-towing to by suspending him? What ramifications would come from ignoring this alleged misdeed? After all, who are they really punishing other than themselves? Can you imagine FOX suspending Simon Cowell for similar comments on American Idol? I guess ESPN thinks SportsCenter is on the same level as National Public Radio. How ironic on a network that broadcasts shows like SportsNation, Timbersports, and the Bassmaster Classic.
Maybe ESPN should change the lenses on their studio cameras; the focus seems fuzzy regarding who should wear the Scarlet E. After all, they have plenty of ex-athletes on their payroll with pasts so checkered they make Kornheiser's comments toward Storm seem like a marriage proposal (e.g. Michael Irvin). Maybe new lenses would also help them see how silly Storm looks over-dramatically swooshing her hair from side to side and slinking around the studio in garb most strippers would find risque. At times the viewer isn't sure if she is reporting the news or getting ready to give co-anchor Josh Elliott a lap dance.
This new morality ESPN seems to be exhibiting exposes a serious problem. ESPN simply cannot be everything it wants to be. It can't purport to offer candid and objective commentary on its right hand while censoring it with its left. Why has ESPN become such a ninny? Nine letters: NFL, NBA, MLB. The network has huge contracts with each organization regarding broadcast rights, creating a conflict of interest regarding open and honest criticism toward these leagues (and other things) from its on-air talent. The owners and commissioners of these businesses do not like to be called out or questioned, and ESPN wants to control its employees so as not to embarrass their constituents. So, they nip things in the bud and strive to maintain a squeaky clean image. You might not see a direct connection between Kornheiser's punishment being publicized and ESPN sharing a bed with the major sports entities, but one is embedded in the other. Kornheiser's sanction is the result of ESPN's new paranoia regarding any sort of behavior not towing the company line.
Anyway, the pain of losing Tony for half a month on PTI is eased thanks to Dan Lebatard (Miami Herald) and the litany of other talented hosts who will sit in his absence. Nevertheless, what a stupid world it is that puts an all-star like Kornheiser on the 15 day DL while a mediocre journeyman (Storm) starts at center field. Way to work it through ESPN: political correctness 1, sense and reason 0.
Disregarding the circular (il)logic of ESPN reporting their own employee's suspension (ESPN has more and more come to create its own news while forgetting that a sports news network should focus on events outside Bristol, Connecticut), such an act blows the door wide open for what is considered heresy in sports journalism. After all, isn't it sort of Kornheiser's job to essentially say compelling and controversial things (he is not an anchor; he's a columnist)? Additionally, any regular watcher of PTI has heard him utter far worse about the physical appearance of various athletes. He usually does so while juxtaposing the comment with a self-defacing dig at himself; such banter is part of his unique wit and wisdom.
Concerning the suspension, last I checked defamatory speech against another is only slander if it is false. It makes more sense to suspend Kornheiser for getting his facts wrong: the thigh high boots and cellophane tube tops Storm usually wears are bad taste for anyone older than 21, let alone someone on the wrong side of 40. Maybe the ugly truth hits ESPN a little too close to home. They know that most of her outfits require two hairdos.
While some may be baffled as to why ESPN took such action, it isn't unheard of in this day in age to censor sports journalists. In 2003 the Boston Globe suspended veteran columnist Bob Ryan for a month without pay for saying that NBA point guard Jason Kidd's wife needed someone to "smack her." While I disliked Ryan's suspension too (not for the injustice of the punishment but because I missed his brilliant commentary), at least Ryan's comments were clearly inappropriate. But back to Kornheiser: who exactly is ESPN kow-towing to by suspending him? What ramifications would come from ignoring this alleged misdeed? After all, who are they really punishing other than themselves? Can you imagine FOX suspending Simon Cowell for similar comments on American Idol? I guess ESPN thinks SportsCenter is on the same level as National Public Radio. How ironic on a network that broadcasts shows like SportsNation, Timbersports, and the Bassmaster Classic.
Maybe ESPN should change the lenses on their studio cameras; the focus seems fuzzy regarding who should wear the Scarlet E. After all, they have plenty of ex-athletes on their payroll with pasts so checkered they make Kornheiser's comments toward Storm seem like a marriage proposal (e.g. Michael Irvin). Maybe new lenses would also help them see how silly Storm looks over-dramatically swooshing her hair from side to side and slinking around the studio in garb most strippers would find risque. At times the viewer isn't sure if she is reporting the news or getting ready to give co-anchor Josh Elliott a lap dance.
This new morality ESPN seems to be exhibiting exposes a serious problem. ESPN simply cannot be everything it wants to be. It can't purport to offer candid and objective commentary on its right hand while censoring it with its left. Why has ESPN become such a ninny? Nine letters: NFL, NBA, MLB. The network has huge contracts with each organization regarding broadcast rights, creating a conflict of interest regarding open and honest criticism toward these leagues (and other things) from its on-air talent. The owners and commissioners of these businesses do not like to be called out or questioned, and ESPN wants to control its employees so as not to embarrass their constituents. So, they nip things in the bud and strive to maintain a squeaky clean image. You might not see a direct connection between Kornheiser's punishment being publicized and ESPN sharing a bed with the major sports entities, but one is embedded in the other. Kornheiser's sanction is the result of ESPN's new paranoia regarding any sort of behavior not towing the company line.
Anyway, the pain of losing Tony for half a month on PTI is eased thanks to Dan Lebatard (Miami Herald) and the litany of other talented hosts who will sit in his absence. Nevertheless, what a stupid world it is that puts an all-star like Kornheiser on the 15 day DL while a mediocre journeyman (Storm) starts at center field. Way to work it through ESPN: political correctness 1, sense and reason 0.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
80s Movie Smack-Off (Part 1)
March is all about brackets. Of course I refer to March Madness and the NCAA basketball tournament, where 64 teams compete to win the national championship. It's easily the best time of the year for sports; the NCAA tournament is better than the Superbowl, NBA Finals, World Series, and Stanley Cup Final combined (well, it's pretty damn good anyway).
In anticipation of March Madness I am pitting 1980s movies against one another in similar fashion as the NCAA tournament. I mostly choose popular comedies and acknowledge that others could potentially make the list. Treat omissions as bubble teams who got knocked out by automatic-bid tournament winners from lesser conferences. Or consider that I was too lazy to do an extensive search on every movie from the era. Feh! Whatever. We'll start with 64 seeded "teams" who will compete against one another, elimating movies round by round until one final movie remains. The last standing will be considered the greatest 80s comedy movie .
Below are the entries and their corresponding seeds for Bracket 1. The winner of Bracket 1 will play Bracket 2's winner in the final four; likewise with Brackets 3 and 4. The overall winner from Brackets 1 and 2 will play the overall winner from Brackets 3 and 4 in the national championship game. Let's call Bracket 1 the "Haim/Feldman" bracket in reverence to the two Coreys who were ubiquitous in the 80s.
Bracket 1 (Haim/Feldman Bracket)
The 1/16 match up is Revenge of the Nerds vs. One Crazy Summer. Gilbert and Lewis vs. Hoops McCann. The extensive nerd roster in Revenge of the Nerds gives it an edge over One Crazy Summer regarding characters (though Bobcat Goldthwait and the villainous father/son tandem are both awesome). Poindexter's violin playing, Takashi's tricycle booze race, Booger's wonderjoints, and Stan Gable's general awesomeness make Nerds the '91 UNLV Runnin' Rebels of this bracket. Revenge of the Nerds has greater "re-watchability" too, and there are far more memorable quotes ("We've got bush!" and "Mopery is exposing yourself to a blind person"). It's probably a push as to who is hotter, Cassandra (Demi Moore) in One Crazy Summer or Bettie Childs (Julia Montgomery) in Revenge of the Nerds. The nerd train of Omega Mu's entering Lamda Lamda Lamda's party proves too much for One Crazy Summer. Revenge of the Nerds wins in a rout.
The 8/9 match up between Just One of the Guys and Can't Buy Me Love is close. Both are classic teen romantic comedies, and both have great secondary characters (e.g. Kenneth "You shit on my house!" Wurman (Courtney Gains) and Chucky Miller (Seth Green) in Can't Buy Me Love; Buddy (Billy Jayne) and the alien twins in Just One of the Guys). It's another toss up as to who is hotter, Cindy Mancini (Amanda Peterson) in Can't Buy me Love or Terry Griffith (Joyce Hyser) in Just One of the Guys. I guess Cindy gets the nod since Terry dresses like a dude throughout Just One of the Guys. Even with Just One of the Guys featuring a young Sherilyn Fenn (Sandy), Can't Buy Me Love wins by 8 points.
You might think the 5/12 match up in this bracket would follow the real NCAAs with the 12 seed upsetting the 5 seed. Nope. Not in Bracket 1. Heathers is a great dark comedy featuring some memorable one liners ("Fuck me gently with a chainsaw"; "I love my dead gay son") and Christian Slater in his prime. It also showcases a young Winona Ryder before she started shoplifting. But, Better Off Dead has the "2 dollars" paperboy and Monique from France (Diane Franklin). She loves baseball, she fixes cars, and she lives across the street. Game, set, match. Lane Myers (John Cusack) scores 27 points and Better Off Dead never trails to secure the win.
The 4/13 seed is a blowout. Does anyone seriously think Violet Newstead (Lily Tomlin) and Judy Bernly (Jane Fonda) could compete with Thornton Mellon (Rodney Dangerfield)? Derek Lutz (Robert Downey Jr.) vs. Franklin M. Hart Jr. (Dabney Coleman)? 9 to 5 plays a soft zone; Back to School full-court presses a la the '90s Arkansas Razorbacks' "40 minutes of hell." Result: Back to School up by 20 at halftime, wins by 35.
The 6/11 seeds are closer than one might think. Johnny Dangerously is one of the most underrated (and perhaps unknown) films of the 80s. It's really funny. Johnny Dangerously features Michael Keaton at his height and Joe Piscopo before he (allegedly) started eating steroids. The short film on ESS (enlarged scrotum syndrome) is classic too. But, Police Academy is just too strong. Kim Cattrall (when she was hot and not yet in her 90s like in Sex and the City) gets a slight nod over Marilu Henner as eye candy. Winning play: Police Academy having the balls to write a line for cadet Chad Copeland (Scott Thompson) to say "There sure are a lot of spades around here" while standing next to Bubba Smith. Lieutenant Harris (G. W. Bailey) coaches the cadets past Johnny Dangerously; Police Academy wins by 7.
The 3/14 match up between Stripes and Young Einstein is tougher to call than one might think. Stripes is the obvious favorite as it has a star-studded lineup (Bill Murray, John Larroquette, and John Candy) and received far more publicity. Young Einstein features Yahoo Serious and a slew of no-name actors. But, Young Einstein has its moments and is more sophisticated in comparison. Stripes follows the formula that made similar movies like Meatballs and Caddyshack successful: create a basic plot and let the talent carry the load. Even so, the talent in Stripes overwhelms the lesser opponent in the end: Stripes wins by 10.
The 7/10 match up of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and The 'Burbs is a classic smack-down among A-list movie stars. Michael Caine and Steve Martin vs. Tom Hanks, Carrie Fisher, and Bruce Dern. The 'Burbs even has Corey Feldman, which adds obvious clout to any movie from this era. Both movies offer plot twists, light suspense, and dark humor. A buzzer-beating 3-point shot gives The 'Burbs the win. The fact that Bruce Dern's character (Mark Rumsfield) is older than everyone else yet has a super young and hot wife (Bonnie Rumsfield, played by Wendy Shaal) who wears next to nothing throughout the movie doesn't hurt either.
The final match up in round 1 of the Haim/Feldman bracket is the 2 seed The Money Pit vs. 15 seed Breaking all the Rules. Everyone's seen The Money Pit. Three people (including me) have seen Breaking all the Rules (the 1985 version, not to be confused with 2004's version with Jamie Foxx). Breaking all the Rules is a super-obscure, low budget 80s movie that deserves to be in this tournament. It doesn't hold up particularily well over the years, and it has a cheesy cast of 80s-style villains (including a lesbian thief, played by Papusha Demitro). But, there are a lot of funny moments, including when one of the main characters (Jack, played by Carl Marotte) wears a dick-nose mask and proclaims, "As long as I have a face, girls have a place to sit." Another classic line occurs between two kids who discover Debbie (Carolyn Dunn) pulling up Jack's zipper with her teeth. One kid is younger than the other and asks, "What were they doing?" The older kid responds in a deadpan, expressionless fashion: "Blow job." Nonetheless, even the gratuitous T & A displayed by Debbie and Angie (Rachel Hayward) in Breaking all the Rules aren't enough to pull the upset on The Money Pit. Tom Hanks before he got serious and lame coupled with Shelley Long prior to Troop Beverly Hills (ouch) is enough to push The Money Pit into the second round: The Money Pit wins by 14.
OK, round 1 of the Haim/Feldman Bracket is in the books with Revenge of the Nerds, Can't Buy Me Love, Better Off Dead, Back to School, Police Academy, Stripes, The 'Burbs, and The Money Pit moving on to the second round. Look for part 2 of the 80s Movie Smack-Off March 1st, when we examine Bracket 2, the "Gag Me with a Spoon" bracket.
In anticipation of March Madness I am pitting 1980s movies against one another in similar fashion as the NCAA tournament. I mostly choose popular comedies and acknowledge that others could potentially make the list. Treat omissions as bubble teams who got knocked out by automatic-bid tournament winners from lesser conferences. Or consider that I was too lazy to do an extensive search on every movie from the era. Feh! Whatever. We'll start with 64 seeded "teams" who will compete against one another, elimating movies round by round until one final movie remains. The last standing will be considered the greatest 80s comedy movie .
Below are the entries and their corresponding seeds for Bracket 1. The winner of Bracket 1 will play Bracket 2's winner in the final four; likewise with Brackets 3 and 4. The overall winner from Brackets 1 and 2 will play the overall winner from Brackets 3 and 4 in the national championship game. Let's call Bracket 1 the "Haim/Feldman" bracket in reverence to the two Coreys who were ubiquitous in the 80s.
Bracket 1 (Haim/Feldman Bracket)
1. Revenge of the NerdsRound 1 Results: Haim/Feldman Bracket
16. One Crazy Summer
8. Just One of the Guys
9. Can't Buy Me Love
5. Better Off Dead
12. Heathers
4. Back to School
13. 9 to 5
6. Police Academy
11. Johnny Dangerously
3. Stripes
14. Young Einstein
7. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
10. The 'Burbs
2. The Money Pit
15. Breaking all the Rules
OK, round 1 of the Haim/Feldman Bracket is in the books with Revenge of the Nerds, Can't Buy Me Love, Better Off Dead, Back to School, Police Academy, Stripes, The 'Burbs, and The Money Pit moving on to the second round. Look for part 2 of the 80s Movie Smack-Off March 1st, when we examine Bracket 2, the "Gag Me with a Spoon" bracket.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Worst Franchise in Sports? Nominations For the Golden Turd (NBA Edition)
The Saints won the Super Bowl and have (at least temporarily) shook off their reputation as one of the worst franchises in NFL history. Denizens of the Superdome no longer don paper bags now that Drew Brees, Tracy Porter, Jeremy Shockey, and Reggie Bush have brought respect to the French Quarter.
So, if the Saints have emerged from the depths of the pro sports abyss, who now remains? What franchise is ready to step in and stake their rightful claim as the shittiest organization in sports? Let's consider the candidates, across the major sports. The winner receives the abhorred Golden Turd award, the antithesis to such coveted brass as the Lombardo trophy or Stanley Cup. I discuss the Golden Turd candidates in separate entries, each dedicated to one sport. I begin with the NBA.
The NBA has many teams which could potentially deserve the Golden Turd. Let's whittle the list to two contenders, who together have enjoyed a steady culture of failure over the past decades. I exclude choices that seem obvious, like the Nets (the Nets actually made the playoffs six years in a row from 2002-2007) and Bucks (who on average made the playoffs every other year or so since 1999). I also exclude newer franchises like the Bobcats, Grizzlies (worst winning percentage of all time at 33% but did make the playoffs three years in a row from '04-'06 - thanks Hubie Brown), and Raptors (in the playoffs every third year). It seems even the lowly NBA franchises sneak in a bit of success from time to time...all but two teams...the Clippers and the Warriors.
The Clippers
First let's examine the Los Angeles Clippers, who many would assume could order a marble stanchion for The Turd in advance. Their most condemning statistic: four playoff appearances since 1976. I'll repeat just to show it isn't a typo: FOUR playoffs in 34 years, when they weren't even the Clippers but the Buffalo Braves. This in a league where more than half its teams make the playoffs, bad teams are rewarded with blue chip players via the draft, and free agency has allowed teams to pilfer each other's talent without losing talent of their own. All this in one of the biggest markets in the nation (even Kobe Bryant strongly considered signing with them a few years back). Their historical winning percentage is second to last (36%), right in front of the aforementioned Grizz. While one should consider that the Clips are a relatively new franchise (appx. 40 years in the league), these facts still baffle.
Anecdotal evidence for sending The Turd to L.A. shows continual ineffectiveness and bad luck regarding draft picks. Recent examples of bad luck include Blake Griffin blowing out his knee days prior to the '09 season, and Shaun Livingston's patella taking a vacation on the other side of his knee in one of the freakiest sports injuries ever (go ahead and YouTube it: enjoy the nightmares, and if you are a basketball player just try and participate in pre-game lay-up drills again). Ineffective and/or stupid moves include the Danny Ferry fiasco, drafting Michael Olowokandi (passing on Vince Carter, Dirk Nowitzki, and Paul Pierce) and Benoit Benjamin (Karl Malone available 10 picks later...oops). The list goes on and on.
We won't get into all decisions owner Donald Sterling has made over the years, but having 12 coaches over a twenty year period is hardly a stable atmosphere in which to foster a winning culture. Ironically, they probably should have had twice as many coaches, firing them two times a year: once before the all-star break (when the team is inevitably 13-35), and at the end of the season (at the draft lottery when David Stern proclaims, "The [insert first, second, or third] pick in the [insert year] draft goes to..." while placing a card with a red and blue logo on the board). This strategy couldn't make them any worse. It seems the only reason the Clippers could lose the nomination for the Golden Turd to the Warriors is that they simply find a way to lose anything they compete for.
The Warriors
Next up is the Golden State Warriors. It's going to be tough to earn the Golden Turd considering the mountain of evidence for the Clippers, but fear not, the Warriors can compete. the Warriors have a slightly better franchise win percentage, but are still in the bottom third all time. They do have 3 NBA titles (the most recent being 1975, probably before anyone reading this was born). Good players, even hall of famers, have played for them...but not recently. And by recently I mean not in the last...er...twenty plus years.
Let's begin with the draft. The Warriors are to the draft what Stridex pads are to zits: both promise improvements to appearance, confidence, and success toward achieving a goal. Unfortunately, the draft only rarely guarantees success (see draft years 1985, 1987, 1997, 2003 as isolated cases where the overall #1 pick significantly and instantly improved a team's future over the long hall). Likewise, Stridex pads don't really work too well as those that have acne simply have acne which keeps returning. Both inevitably do nothing except leave one with less money and a glimmer of hope that the next draft - or next pad - will work. Even considering that building a team via the draft is a dubious proposition at best, some teams have done quite well in this domain. Just not the Warriors...
Since the Warriors have been in the draft lottery as much as any other team the past twenty years (they missed the playoffs 15 out of the last 16 years, and have only made 6 appearances the past 33 years) it seems logical that they would have a roster bloated with all-stars like LeBron James, Chris Bosh, Chris Paul, Dwight Howard, Carmelo Anthony, and Dwayne Wade. The Warriors have had high draft selections right? So they should have at least two or three of these players, right? Wrong. The past few drafts have delivered Stephen Curry, Anthony Randolph (who?), and Monte Ellis (taken #40 overall). That's really it. Seriously. How could they be so bad and not have any bona fide game changing talent? They don't for two reasons: 1. When they do get talent that talent finds its way to other teams via trades or free agency (why are they traded? Because they hate playing there so much they mope or choke their coach), and 2. they haven't selected a player on the caliber of a LeBron, Carmelo, or CP3 for a l o n g t i m e.
Now, before continuing the discussion of the Warrior's draft foibles, also consider the fact that they have only reached the 50 win plateau once since 1975 (they won 50 in '93-'94, a magical season by their standards when the future looked bright: Chris Webber won rookie of the year, Latrell Sprewell was named first-team all-NBA, and injured veterans Chris Mullin and Tim Hardaway were expected to return the following year. Athlon magazine predicted them to win the NBA finals the next year [seriously!]). That's 35 years with only one 50 win season. Deplorable, and in this day in age almost impossible.
Now back to the draft, the Warrior's true Achilles heal. Here's a quick list of number one picks that either fizzled, were busts, or - most devastating to the franchise - were traded for inferior players: Chris Washburn, Mitch Richmond (traded for Billy Owens - great at dribbling with his left hand but nothing else), Webber/Anfernee Hardaway (swapped for each other on draft day, both were A+ players at one point in their careers: a year after the draft the warriors had neither (but...wait for it...had Tom Gugliotta instead), Joe Smith (Antonio McDyess, Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, and Kevin Garnett were taken in succession after Smith), Todd Fuller (a snore taken at#11, with Kobe Bryant, Peja Stojakovic, Steve Nash, and Jermaine O'Neal still available), Adonal Foyle (taken #8; an injury free 18 year old named Tracy McGrady was selected #9), Vince Carter (traded on draft day to the Raptors), and Mike Dunleavey Jr. (taken at #3? Really? Who needs Amare Staudamire, Tayshaun Prince, or Caron Butler?). There are other questionable selections too, but the previous were either high lottery selections (top 5) or questionable considering who was on the board. Bottom line: Misguided draft selections have mired the Warriors and led them to where they are now...competing for The Turd.
Other evidence: coaching. While the Warriors haven't had quite the coaching carousel as the Clippers over the past few decades, they have done the unconscionable: hiring back an aging coach who didn't win there previously. Of course I refer to Don Nelson, who presently is only a few games behind Lenny Wilkins as the NBA's all time winningest coach. This fact is baffling considering the fact that Nellie has coached the Warriors a combined 11 seasons (see prior stat regarding the dearth of 50 win seasons). Nellie has amassed these numbers by sheer hanging around long enough. To his credit, he did have admirable years with the Mavericks in the mid 2000s, but fell short of winning it all. Everyone likes Nellie, as well they should, but one cannot seriously consider him a great coach given his overall lack of success. Why the Warriors hang on to him is a complete mystery. Nelson is a classic example of a coach who makes a bad team good, but cannot make a good team great (see Rick Adelman, Jerry Sloan, Mike Fratello, George Karl and (with the exception of Detroit '03-'04, which might exclude him here) Larry Brown for examples.
Intangible evidence for the Golden Turd includes the fact that Golden State is seriously off the national radar screen. At least the Clippers are in a major market. I bet there are many fans - and not just casual fans - living on the east coast or in the Midwest who do not know the city where the Warriors play. They are in the basement of the NBA hierarchy, notoriety, and exposure. No one outside of the bay area knows what the Warriors are up to; those in the bay area wish they didn't know. Most simply default to the position that they sucked, suck, and will suck (rightly so).
Finally...Nominating the NBA's Frontrunner for the Golden Turd.
Considering the evidence provided here for each franchise and the countless other reasons why each should win (one could fill fifty million tomes with compelling reasons for both), the NBA's nomination for the Golden Turd can be awarded only to...
The Los Angeles Clippers.
It's a photo finish, but what pushes the Clips over the line is simply their national reputation. The Warriors are horrible, and the evidence is strong for them deserving The Turd, but no one really cares about the Warriors, for good or bad. The Clippers are national fodder for folly.
The final nail in the Clippers' coffin: They share their arena with the Lakers. They have to play home games in an arena with their rival's myriad championship banners and retired numbers looming in the backdrop. Even the seats in the Staples Center are color coordinated to match the Lakers. The Staples Center makes the Clippers cuckolds to the Lakers. This is such a pathetic fact that if The Turd had wheels it would roll itself onto center court of the Clippers' first pre-season game without assistance.
In my mind I imagine negotiations between Lakers' owner Dr. Jerry Buss and Donald Sterling regarding sharing space in the Staples Center going down in similar fashion to the scene in The Waterboy when bully coach Red Beaulieu (Jerry Reed) demanded Coach Klein's (Henry Winkler) playbook, saying that "Things are going to get awfully physical" if Klein didn't relinquish his plays. Buss is Beaulieu and Sterling is Klein. Sterling, like Klein, is the one left insane and crying to his mom on the phone as the camera pans down to show him wearing high heel pumps with the phone cord unattached and dangling at his side.
Yes, the Clippers are a doomed franchise, one so bad the Gods themselves seem against them. A combination of apathy, mismanagement, damning luck, and the constant reminder of what they are not (the Lakers) make this decision easy.
Congratulations Clippers...you've earned the NBA nomination for the Golden Turd. We'll see how they fair against representatives from the NFL and MLB later.
So, if the Saints have emerged from the depths of the pro sports abyss, who now remains? What franchise is ready to step in and stake their rightful claim as the shittiest organization in sports? Let's consider the candidates, across the major sports. The winner receives the abhorred Golden Turd award, the antithesis to such coveted brass as the Lombardo trophy or Stanley Cup. I discuss the Golden Turd candidates in separate entries, each dedicated to one sport. I begin with the NBA.
The NBA has many teams which could potentially deserve the Golden Turd. Let's whittle the list to two contenders, who together have enjoyed a steady culture of failure over the past decades. I exclude choices that seem obvious, like the Nets (the Nets actually made the playoffs six years in a row from 2002-2007) and Bucks (who on average made the playoffs every other year or so since 1999). I also exclude newer franchises like the Bobcats, Grizzlies (worst winning percentage of all time at 33% but did make the playoffs three years in a row from '04-'06 - thanks Hubie Brown), and Raptors (in the playoffs every third year). It seems even the lowly NBA franchises sneak in a bit of success from time to time...all but two teams...the Clippers and the Warriors.
The Clippers
First let's examine the Los Angeles Clippers, who many would assume could order a marble stanchion for The Turd in advance. Their most condemning statistic: four playoff appearances since 1976. I'll repeat just to show it isn't a typo: FOUR playoffs in 34 years, when they weren't even the Clippers but the Buffalo Braves. This in a league where more than half its teams make the playoffs, bad teams are rewarded with blue chip players via the draft, and free agency has allowed teams to pilfer each other's talent without losing talent of their own. All this in one of the biggest markets in the nation (even Kobe Bryant strongly considered signing with them a few years back). Their historical winning percentage is second to last (36%), right in front of the aforementioned Grizz. While one should consider that the Clips are a relatively new franchise (appx. 40 years in the league), these facts still baffle.
Anecdotal evidence for sending The Turd to L.A. shows continual ineffectiveness and bad luck regarding draft picks. Recent examples of bad luck include Blake Griffin blowing out his knee days prior to the '09 season, and Shaun Livingston's patella taking a vacation on the other side of his knee in one of the freakiest sports injuries ever (go ahead and YouTube it: enjoy the nightmares, and if you are a basketball player just try and participate in pre-game lay-up drills again). Ineffective and/or stupid moves include the Danny Ferry fiasco, drafting Michael Olowokandi (passing on Vince Carter, Dirk Nowitzki, and Paul Pierce) and Benoit Benjamin (Karl Malone available 10 picks later...oops). The list goes on and on.
We won't get into all decisions owner Donald Sterling has made over the years, but having 12 coaches over a twenty year period is hardly a stable atmosphere in which to foster a winning culture. Ironically, they probably should have had twice as many coaches, firing them two times a year: once before the all-star break (when the team is inevitably 13-35), and at the end of the season (at the draft lottery when David Stern proclaims, "The [insert first, second, or third] pick in the [insert year] draft goes to..." while placing a card with a red and blue logo on the board). This strategy couldn't make them any worse. It seems the only reason the Clippers could lose the nomination for the Golden Turd to the Warriors is that they simply find a way to lose anything they compete for.
The Warriors
Next up is the Golden State Warriors. It's going to be tough to earn the Golden Turd considering the mountain of evidence for the Clippers, but fear not, the Warriors can compete. the Warriors have a slightly better franchise win percentage, but are still in the bottom third all time. They do have 3 NBA titles (the most recent being 1975, probably before anyone reading this was born). Good players, even hall of famers, have played for them...but not recently. And by recently I mean not in the last...er...twenty plus years.
Let's begin with the draft. The Warriors are to the draft what Stridex pads are to zits: both promise improvements to appearance, confidence, and success toward achieving a goal. Unfortunately, the draft only rarely guarantees success (see draft years 1985, 1987, 1997, 2003 as isolated cases where the overall #1 pick significantly and instantly improved a team's future over the long hall). Likewise, Stridex pads don't really work too well as those that have acne simply have acne which keeps returning. Both inevitably do nothing except leave one with less money and a glimmer of hope that the next draft - or next pad - will work. Even considering that building a team via the draft is a dubious proposition at best, some teams have done quite well in this domain. Just not the Warriors...
Since the Warriors have been in the draft lottery as much as any other team the past twenty years (they missed the playoffs 15 out of the last 16 years, and have only made 6 appearances the past 33 years) it seems logical that they would have a roster bloated with all-stars like LeBron James, Chris Bosh, Chris Paul, Dwight Howard, Carmelo Anthony, and Dwayne Wade. The Warriors have had high draft selections right? So they should have at least two or three of these players, right? Wrong. The past few drafts have delivered Stephen Curry, Anthony Randolph (who?), and Monte Ellis (taken #40 overall). That's really it. Seriously. How could they be so bad and not have any bona fide game changing talent? They don't for two reasons: 1. When they do get talent that talent finds its way to other teams via trades or free agency (why are they traded? Because they hate playing there so much they mope or choke their coach), and 2. they haven't selected a player on the caliber of a LeBron, Carmelo, or CP3 for a l o n g t i m e.
Now, before continuing the discussion of the Warrior's draft foibles, also consider the fact that they have only reached the 50 win plateau once since 1975 (they won 50 in '93-'94, a magical season by their standards when the future looked bright: Chris Webber won rookie of the year, Latrell Sprewell was named first-team all-NBA, and injured veterans Chris Mullin and Tim Hardaway were expected to return the following year. Athlon magazine predicted them to win the NBA finals the next year [seriously!]). That's 35 years with only one 50 win season. Deplorable, and in this day in age almost impossible.
Now back to the draft, the Warrior's true Achilles heal. Here's a quick list of number one picks that either fizzled, were busts, or - most devastating to the franchise - were traded for inferior players: Chris Washburn, Mitch Richmond (traded for Billy Owens - great at dribbling with his left hand but nothing else), Webber/Anfernee Hardaway (swapped for each other on draft day, both were A+ players at one point in their careers: a year after the draft the warriors had neither (but...wait for it...had Tom Gugliotta instead), Joe Smith (Antonio McDyess, Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, and Kevin Garnett were taken in succession after Smith), Todd Fuller (a snore taken at#11, with Kobe Bryant, Peja Stojakovic, Steve Nash, and Jermaine O'Neal still available), Adonal Foyle (taken #8; an injury free 18 year old named Tracy McGrady was selected #9), Vince Carter (traded on draft day to the Raptors), and Mike Dunleavey Jr. (taken at #3? Really? Who needs Amare Staudamire, Tayshaun Prince, or Caron Butler?). There are other questionable selections too, but the previous were either high lottery selections (top 5) or questionable considering who was on the board. Bottom line: Misguided draft selections have mired the Warriors and led them to where they are now...competing for The Turd.
Other evidence: coaching. While the Warriors haven't had quite the coaching carousel as the Clippers over the past few decades, they have done the unconscionable: hiring back an aging coach who didn't win there previously. Of course I refer to Don Nelson, who presently is only a few games behind Lenny Wilkins as the NBA's all time winningest coach. This fact is baffling considering the fact that Nellie has coached the Warriors a combined 11 seasons (see prior stat regarding the dearth of 50 win seasons). Nellie has amassed these numbers by sheer hanging around long enough. To his credit, he did have admirable years with the Mavericks in the mid 2000s, but fell short of winning it all. Everyone likes Nellie, as well they should, but one cannot seriously consider him a great coach given his overall lack of success. Why the Warriors hang on to him is a complete mystery. Nelson is a classic example of a coach who makes a bad team good, but cannot make a good team great (see Rick Adelman, Jerry Sloan, Mike Fratello, George Karl and (with the exception of Detroit '03-'04, which might exclude him here) Larry Brown for examples.
Intangible evidence for the Golden Turd includes the fact that Golden State is seriously off the national radar screen. At least the Clippers are in a major market. I bet there are many fans - and not just casual fans - living on the east coast or in the Midwest who do not know the city where the Warriors play. They are in the basement of the NBA hierarchy, notoriety, and exposure. No one outside of the bay area knows what the Warriors are up to; those in the bay area wish they didn't know. Most simply default to the position that they sucked, suck, and will suck (rightly so).
Finally...Nominating the NBA's Frontrunner for the Golden Turd.
Considering the evidence provided here for each franchise and the countless other reasons why each should win (one could fill fifty million tomes with compelling reasons for both), the NBA's nomination for the Golden Turd can be awarded only to...
The Los Angeles Clippers.
It's a photo finish, but what pushes the Clips over the line is simply their national reputation. The Warriors are horrible, and the evidence is strong for them deserving The Turd, but no one really cares about the Warriors, for good or bad. The Clippers are national fodder for folly.
The final nail in the Clippers' coffin: They share their arena with the Lakers. They have to play home games in an arena with their rival's myriad championship banners and retired numbers looming in the backdrop. Even the seats in the Staples Center are color coordinated to match the Lakers. The Staples Center makes the Clippers cuckolds to the Lakers. This is such a pathetic fact that if The Turd had wheels it would roll itself onto center court of the Clippers' first pre-season game without assistance.
In my mind I imagine negotiations between Lakers' owner Dr. Jerry Buss and Donald Sterling regarding sharing space in the Staples Center going down in similar fashion to the scene in The Waterboy when bully coach Red Beaulieu (Jerry Reed) demanded Coach Klein's (Henry Winkler) playbook, saying that "Things are going to get awfully physical" if Klein didn't relinquish his plays. Buss is Beaulieu and Sterling is Klein. Sterling, like Klein, is the one left insane and crying to his mom on the phone as the camera pans down to show him wearing high heel pumps with the phone cord unattached and dangling at his side.
Yes, the Clippers are a doomed franchise, one so bad the Gods themselves seem against them. A combination of apathy, mismanagement, damning luck, and the constant reminder of what they are not (the Lakers) make this decision easy.
Congratulations Clippers...you've earned the NBA nomination for the Golden Turd. We'll see how they fair against representatives from the NFL and MLB later.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Snout Kick-Off
snout (noun)
-an anterior prolongation of the head.
bag (noun)
-a container or receptacle capable of being closed.
Every day hundreds of cargo ships sail into the world's ports. It is my estimation that bags of rubber snouts account for 70% of the cargo arriving to the U.S. from foreign traders.
This is my first blog entry, and marks the only time the title will be referenced. The blog is called The Snout Bag because the entries are likely to be as useful as a bag of rubber snouts.
-an anterior prolongation of the head.
bag (noun)
-a container or receptacle capable of being closed.
Every day hundreds of cargo ships sail into the world's ports. It is my estimation that bags of rubber snouts account for 70% of the cargo arriving to the U.S. from foreign traders.
This is my first blog entry, and marks the only time the title will be referenced. The blog is called The Snout Bag because the entries are likely to be as useful as a bag of rubber snouts.
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