1. A short ceremony
While tradition may be important to some, the younger generation seems to be moving away from long wedding ceremonies. This is a smart move and imperative if one is to claim an awesome wedding. Considering that guests commonly must wait quite a while for the ceremony to begin, a long ceremony seeped in tradition can equate to an hour and a half of sitting silently. Too much. People are awkward and uncomfortable during this stage, the groom and bride inevitably stammer their vows, and there is nothing a priest/rabbi/minister can say at this point in human history in terms of inspiration that isn't a complete cliche. 15 minutes is more than enough time for everyone involved.
2. Single bridesmaids/groomsmen
While weddings are fun for everyone, the best wedding experience is reserved for those who are single. Bridesmaids and groomsmen can set the tone for the rest of the crowd, and if they are on the prowl the chances are a wedding will be memorable. There is nothing worse than a train of bridesmaids who are already married themselves.
3. A young bride
The focus of a wedding is singular: the bride. Every groom looks the same. The bride shines throughout the wedding; it is her time to be her most beautiful. The worst combinations for a wedding are 1. an older bride (say in her late 30s) and 2. a bride marrying her second husband. There is nothing better than a 21 year old bride at the peak of her attractiveness on display for all to see. Be young, or elope to Vegas.
4. Purposive music
Music is ubiquitous at a wedding, and everything about a couple is revealed by their music choices. The worst weddings are those that blindly follow traditional music selections, e.g. having Pachelbel's Canon in D playing as guests sit for the ceremony, and Kenny G playing at the reception. The best weddings have carefully planned music for each stage of the event. The Bagger's buddy C. Wright Parsons obviously spent time in selecting the music for before, during, and after the ceremony. It was great to hear Radiohead and Pink Floyd rather than a generic harp playing in the background.
5. Something different, something clever
The wedding theme is played out. Weddings in America are all the same mostly, regardless of tradition or religion. All seem to follow the "ceremony no one particularly enjoys" opening, the "drink and eat like the homeless" reception to loosen everyone up, the "oh it's dinner now?" meal, and the "old fucks please leave so the young can get shit faced and embarrass themselves" after party. There's nothing wrong with this, mind you. But great weddings implement something novel into the mix. C. Wright Parsons had table settings labeled by rock bands, e.g. the "Grateful Dead" table. There was a live tiger at the venue too. Meow. Did your wedding feature jungle cats? I didn't think so. It's shit like that people remember. No one gives an F about the seat covers. Send everyone home with a free bottle of 20 year old scotch or something.
6. Attractive people
Let's get real shallow here. Weddings with a lot of hot minkies are better than weddings that feature frumpy girls with bad complexions. We've all seen that maid of honor who has been best friends with the bride since Kindergarten - you know the one - she has the face of Jeneane Garofalo, the body of Gabourey Sidebe, and the complexion of Edward James Olmos. Sorry, the hotter the girls are at a wedding, the better the wedding will be. End of story. Most weddings have that one 22 year old brunette everyone notices who is 5'8" and a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. You know the one I'm talking about...she's from out of town, she's single, she's wearing a backless fucktail dress, and she has an eighth of weed in her purse for later on. If your wedding has five or more of these types of girls, then it will be a goooood time. Bank on it.
7. An open bar with hard liquor
Alcohol is the sine qua non of any successful and memorable wedding. This is not debatable. The worst weddings I've attended... 1. have limits on how long liquor is served, 2. only serve beer and wine, 3. charge for drinks. The best weddings I've attended... 1. feature a free open bar with hard liquor that 2. becomes available directly after the ceremony ends and 3. never closes. Major kudos to C. Wright Parsons and his wedding yesterday for featuring an all day/all night open bar with top shelf liquor. All the Johnnie Walker Black you can drink. Tits.
8.
Even though drugs are illegal, the fact is that many a wedding experience has been vastly improved under the influence of some illicit substance. I'm not saying one should be shooting heroin with the Rabbi in the bathroom, but simply that a few hits of the ganj or some other mild narcotic can shake things up in the right way. You need to be functional at a wedding, so discretion should be used. It is always funny to see a bunch of shitty-grinned, sunglasses-wearing groomsmen who are high. There is something cool about knowing that you are at a classy resort or establishment, amongst a bunch of rich people, and completely stoned. There also are few things better than getting high with people who were complete strangers only 4 hours earlier. Drug use reveals how different a wedding can be at its different stages. Everyone is a stranger to each other during the ceremony; after the liquor starts flowing at the reception one can sneak away for a quick hitter and be balls deep up in the guts of the best man's sister within a half hour.
9. Random hookups
Weddings are not about the sparks that fly between the bride and groom. In contemporary America most brides and grooms have been fucking for years, and many already live together. So, their relationship offers no excitement. The Snoutbagger always loves the irony of when a priest drones on about chastity and love and mutual respect and how the bride and groom met when everyone knows they met at a bar and that the bride sucked the groom's cock before even knowing his name. Long story short, cupid cares not about those on the alter; he aims for those in the crowd. The hookups that occur amongst a group of 22 year olds who have been drinking for six hours at a wedding is a thing of beauty. A savvy stud can put together a very impressive string of hookups. Real pros can even instigate a cat fight between two girls who both fancy their attention. A friend of the Snoutbagger got married, and at the reception the mother of the bride accidently tripped over the best man and maid of honor while they were on the ground fucking. Try and beat that. It ain't the cake, but rather random hookups that are the engine that drives a perfect wedding.
10. Not having to drive home
The last element to a perfect wedding is being able to get as plastered as desired without having to worry about driving. Many a wonderful evening after a wedding has been spoiled by a night in the drunk tank. Knowing that you will be puking in someone else's car at the end of the evening can really increase one's level of fun during a wedding.
