Walkman Nostalgia

The ipod generation will never know the wonderful limits of the Sony Walkman. Here is a picture of the model I owned back in 1985. It was as small as a cassette case and only needed 1 AA battery. I absolutely loved this device. I think it was better to be forced to listen to one tape at a time rather than choose the myriad combinations of artists and songs the shuffle and playlist features of today's ipods/mp3 players allow. It's the same logic that reveals why LPs are better than CDs in many ways; you are forced to listen to an album in its entirety, in the order the artist intended. It's sad that today the concept of an entire album is mostly long gone. Funny to think I actually miss the Dolby B noise reduction and Cr02/Metal settings my Walkman featured.

Classic Arcade Game Smack-Off (Part 1)

Since my previous postings regarding the 80s Movie Smack-Off revealed how far I am willing to travel into the dork forest, I figured why not do a similar tournament to discover what the best classic arcade game was. If you thought the previous contest was lame, you'll agree that this one pegs the dials on the nerdometer.

The rules are the same as before, the logic follows that of the NCAA basketball tournament. I chose 64 of the best and most popular classical era arcade games, seeding them from 1 to 16 across four brackets. Games compete head to head and are eliminated round by round until one is left standing. You know how it works. I avoid basketball analogies in the descriptions (which would be a bit stale at this point) and simply focus on the games. Here's round 1 for bracket 1 (let's call it the "Starcade" bracket).

Bracket 1 (Starcade Bracket)

1. Donkey Kong

16. Battlezone

8. Crystal Castles
9. Phoenix

5. Asteroids
12. Kangaroo

4. Missile Command
13. Robotron 2084

6. Dragon's Lair

11. Jungle Hunt

3. Gauntlet
14. Marble Madness

7. Zaxxon

10. Pengo

2. Defender

15. Star Castle

Round 1 Results: Starcade Bracket

The 1 vs. 16 seeds pit the venerable Donkey Kong against Battlezone. Donkey Kong is one of the most popular games ever, spawning Mario and the myriad Super Mario franchises. Battle zone was one of the first vector games, and featured a unique interface (the player stood on a platform and looked through a viewfinder). Yes, you looked like a complete dork playing Battlezone, but you were probably so scared of being hit by an enemy tank that you didn't care. The crescent moon in the back ground and the pyramids added to the experience, even though the graphics were extremely simple. The cool dual joysticks let you make turns similar to a real tank, but alas the game was very difficult. A quarter never lasted me more than a few minutes. Donkey Kong is far superior; it beats Battlezone easily.

The 8/9 match up is between Crystal Castles and Phoenix. Crystal Castles was great; Bentley Bear was a fun character, and there were enemies like gem eaters, walking trees, a wicked witch, and those awful fucking bees. Crystal Castles was one of the more stressful games; you never seemed to be able to collect gems fast enough to keep the bee swarm at bay, and most players couldn't achieve more than a few levels. Phoenix was fun too; it's similar to Gorf in many ways, offering multiple screens with different challenges. Those crazy birds that split in two when shot were cool, and the sounds were captivating. This is a close match up, but Crystal Castles wins due to the "cute" factor of the characters, plus the unique game play featuring a roller ball.

Asteroids vs. Kangaroo make up the 5/12 match up. Kangaroo is a bit obscure, but was a fun game similar to Donkey Kong Jr.. You were a kangaroo who had to save her kid by punching out evil monkeys. Multiple screens and challenging game play made it enjoyable. Asteroids is a vintage video game, enjoying almost as much fame as Pac-Man or Frogger. Asteroids is far simpler than Kangaroo, but it wins here because of how hard it was, and the ominous two-toned music that increased in tempo as more asteroids threatened your space ship. Your kids think they're good at X-Box? Let them play Asteroids and have the Kleenex ready.

The 4/13 seed is between Robotron 2084 and Missle Command, two early 80s contenders. Robotron is underrated. It is a perfect game. Two joysticks and no buttons, Robotron offers lunatic fringe speed and insanity. From the first screen, enemies come at you fast and furious. The game is relentless. There is no time to rest; the 3 second breather between screens only increases your fear as you realize "Oh shit, it's another Brain level." Missile Command is classic too. It is not as intense as Robotron at first, but it gets hairy soon enough. When you realize that the missiles come at you from all angles and at different speeds, you are almost relieved when you lose. Both games are extremely stressful, but Robotron is better. I am confident that the worlds' wars from now on should be settled with Robotron tournaments. The nation who is best at Robotron deserves to win. It's another game I would love today's youth to endure; You think Guitar Hero is tough? Your mom can play Guitar Hero. Robotron shits in Guitar Hero's pants and makes Rock Band change the diaper.

Dragon's Lair and Jungle Hunt are the 6/11 match up. These games are polar opposites. Dragon's Lair is a laser disc game that features cartoon like graphics not seen in its day; Jungle Hunt is an early 80s game featuring four levels and simple graphics. Dragon's Lair seems like the obvious choice here, but the gameplay was fairly simplistic and not very challenging. All you needed to do was memorize the correct sequence of joystick commands and get the timing right. A player capable of beating Dragon's Lair seemed impressive to onlookers, but the graphics were really what was impressive. Jungle Hunt is relatively difficult, especially as you move past the first four screens. It is one of those games whose controls never seem to allow you enough finesse to evade the enemies at hand, and timing is crucial. It wins this match up in an upset, because it is truer to what a video game should be than Dragon's Lair.

The 3/14 seeds are Gauntlet and Marble Madness. This match up is a massacre; Gauntlet wins easily. Not that Marble Madness is bad, it's a unique and fun game. It's really hard though (I could only complete four or five levels on a good day), and you needed to be quick with a track ball. When Gauntlet was released it was completely original. Four players could play simultaneously, and it seemed to feature endless levels. Gauntlet did a consummate job targeting dungeons & dragons dorks, and it had to be the most ingenious game of its time for making money, as it featured "health" rather than "lives." Your character received a fixed amount of health points for each quarter (usually 600), and you could add additional health any time you wanted. Guess what? You could pump five bucks into a Gauntlet machine pretty damn quick. Those white ghosts just sucked your paper route money away, 3o+ points at a time. Those of us who spent more than $100 on Gauntlet have "Wizard shot the food" and "Valkyrie is about to die" permanently burned in our memory banks. The marble cracks here; Gauntlet falls down the exit to the second round.

The 7/10 contestants are Zaxxon and Pengo, both relatively popular games. Let's get it out of the way: I hated Zaxxon. The graphics were OK and it seemed cool, but this is one game I never could figure out. It was a 3D scrolling game, and I never could avoid crashing into the wall. And then there is that stupid heat seeking missile I always hit. I sucked at Zaxxon more than any other game. Regardless of my biased opinion on Zaxxon, Pengo is easily the better game. It has cute characters, fun gameplay, and features great strategy (remember those diamond blocks you could align in a row for bonus points? You really needed to think quickly to accomplish that feat). Crushing your enemies with ice blocks was strangely satisfying, and even a beginner could do reasonably well on one quarter. Pengo was awesome; it moves past Zaxxon to the next round.

The 2/15 seed match up features Defender and Star Castle. Star Castle is one of the first great video games. It's extremely simple; the graphics are limited but the gameplay is great. It's a preface to Yars Revenge, featuring a spaceship you must destroy which is protected by an energy shield made up of concentric circles. Funny that the creators used a Penthouse centerfold as the template for the constellation sequence in the background graphics (don't get too excited...you really have to use your imagination to see it). While Star Castle is a strong contender, Defender is one of the era's juggernauts, and one of the hardest fucking games ever programmed. In retrospect, I'm not even sure if it was fun. Defender is an abusive husband; you are its battered wife who comes back for more. After spending twenty bucks playing Defender you are compelled to say, "I am sorry I am weak; I will try harder, please don't give up on me." Your confidence is destroyed when you realize it doesn't give a shit about you or the humanoids you tried to save. Defender is tougher than you; it is that bully who transfers to your elementary school and immediately targets you for an ass kicking after school. You end up going home with your pants ripped and your money stolen, only to get ridiculed by your parents for embarrassing the family. Defender is a divorce lawyer, the IRS, and an unfaithful wife all in one. If you are the one agreeing to come to a hot young cheerleader's house for sexual intercourse, Defender is Dateline's Chris Hansen greeting you and asking you to have a seat at the kitchen table when you arrive. Defender to round 2.

OK, this completes round 1 of Bracket 1, the Starcade Bracket. Donkey Kong, Crystal Castles, Asteroids, Robotron 2084, Jungle Hunt, Gauntlet, Pengo, and Defender all make it to the second round. Check back soon when we examine the round 1 pairings and results for Bracket 2, the "Jeff Spicoli Bracket."

80s Movie Smack-Off (Part 10: Championship)

It's time for round 6 of the 80s Movie Smack-Off, the Championship! See parts 1-9 in previous posts for details on rounds 1-5. The winner of this round is the Smack-Off Champion. Let's examine the competitors and their respective seeds for the final match:

The Championship:

3. Airplane!
1. Caddyshack

Round 6 Result:

Here we go. Airplane! vs. Caddyshack to determine the best 80s comedy movie and complete the 80s Movie Smack-Off. Both movies have been reviewed thoroughly to this point, so let's skip to the chase: which one is the better movie? While it is VERY close, Caddyshack gets the win and takes the title. Airplane! is not far behind Caddyshack, being similar to it in many ways due to its star studded cast. But, if one looks at each facet within each movie, one sees that the comedic talent in Caddyshack is actually far superior to that in Airplane!. Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield, Ted Knight, and Bill Murray are far funnier comedic actors than Robert Stack, Peter Graves, and Lloyd Bridges (though Leslie Nielson is on par with those in Caddyshack). Airplane! and Caddyshack are both unique in that the supporting cast carries the comic load rather than the main character (think about it: the main character in both Caddyshack (Danny Noonan) and Airplane! (Ted Striker) are really just straight men for the high jinks provided by supporting cast members). Even considering both movies' similarities, Caddyshack gets the win over Airplane! 65-59 and is named the best 80s comedy movie.

80s Movie Smack-Off Champion: Caddyshack

That completes the 80s Movie Smack-Off. Congratulations to Caddyshack, the last remaining movie and the one that can claim its rightful place as the best comedy to emerge from the 1980s! Check the bracket to the right for a final breakdown of the entire tournament.

80s Movie Smack-Off (Part 9: Final Four)

It's time for round 5 of the 80s Movie Smack-Off, the Final Four! See parts 1-8 in previous posts for details on rounds 1-4. The two winners of this round go to the Smack-Off Championship. Let's examine the remaining teams, their respective seeds, and the two match ups.

The Final Four:

5. Better Off Dead
3. Airplane!

1. Caddyshack
2. Sixteen Candles

Round 5 Results:

The first match in the Final Four is Better Off Dead vs. Airplane!. One is a seminal favorite that everyone has seen (Airplane!), the other is a bit more obscure but still relatively popular (Better Off Dead). Better Off Dead is undeniably the dark horse of the Smack-Off, as it beat some very tough competition along the way to the Final Four. However, its Cinderella story ends here: it doesn't quite have the firepower to beat the Airplane! juggernaut. Airplane! just has too much variety, and too great a cast. The final nail in Better Off Dead's coffin comes via the two jive dudes in Airplane!: "Hey... knock a self a pro, Slick! That gray matter backlot perform us DOWN, I take TCB-in', man!" Too perfect. Better Off Dead is easily one of the best 80s movies, and it did not just sneak into the Final Four. On a good day it might beat Airplane!, but nine games out of ten it would lose. Airplane! wins 74-66 and moves on to the Smack-Off Championship.

The second match in the Final Four is between top seeded Caddyshack and 2 seed Sixteen Candles. These are two different movies stylistically, but both are of course extremely funny. Few would be surprised that Caddyshack has come this far; Sixteen Candles' success is perhaps a bit of a shock. Sixteen Candles is by far the superior movie when considering all cinematic dimensions, but Caddyshack is just so great at what it does. The cast just plays off each other perfectly. For these reasons Caddyshack gets the win. Caddyshack is almost a genre in itself - it just rises above its competitors. Even considering that Caddyshack has a niche plot (i.e. golf) which many might not identify with, everyone can appreciate its shenanigans. Sixteen Candles made a great run to get this far, but Caddyshack secures the win by beating its foe 67-55. Caddyshack to the Smack-Off Championship.

Alright, this is it...we've narrowed the field of 64 down to two movies: Airplane! and Caddyshack. Check back soon for round 6 of the Smack-Off for the final entry: the Championship.

80s Movie Smack-Off (Part 8: Elite Eight)

It's time for round 4 of the 80s Movie Smack-Off, the Elite Eight! See parts 1-7 in previous posts for details on rounds 1-3. We'll complete all of round 4 here. The winners of round 4 go to the Final Four. Here's the eight remaining teams and their respective match ups and seeds.

Bracket 1 (Haim/Feldman Bracket)

5. Better Off Dead
6. Police Academy

Bracket 2 (Gag Me with a Spoon Bracket)

1. Fletch
3. Airplane!

Bracket 3 (B. A. Baracus Bracket)

1. Caddyshack
2. Weird Science

Bracket 4 (Rocky Dennis Bracket)

1. National Lampoon's Vacation
2. Sixteen Candles

Round 4 Results:

The final match of the Haim/Feldman Bracket features two underdog movies, 5 seed Better Off Dead and 6 seed Police Academy. Each are worthy opponents. Better Off Dead is this tournament's dark horse. It is doubtful that many would have seen it coming this far. Police Academy was a big hit in the theaters, so its success to this point is not as surprising. While Police Academy is one of the best 80s comedies, Better Off Dead simply encompasses everything about the 80s into one movie. It's a guy gets girl story, it has all the dumb shenanigans that Weird Science or Sixteen Candles has, and it has a great cast of characters, all of whom mesh seamlessly together. Because of this, Better Off Dead beats Police Academy 65-61. Believe it or not, Better Off Dead is going to the Final Four.

The last match in the Gag Me with a Spoon Bracket is between Fletch and Airplane!. These movies are seminal examples of the 80s, and each is extremely funny. They're not in the Elite Eight for nothing. Chevy Chase in Fletch is fantastic. But Airplane! features Lloyd Bridges, Robert Stack, Peter Graves, and Leslie Nielson. What a coincidence that both movies have Kareem Abdul Jabbar! Airplane! wins this match in double overtime, because of its variety of actors and sketches that provide a bit more of a complete palate than does Fletch. Fletch is better as a serious movie than Airplane!, as it has a pretty good plot that doesn't distract from the comedy. But, the Smack-Off seeks the best 80s comedy, and Airplane! just has a bit more of what we expect. Fletch is the second #1 seed to fall in the Smack-Off: Airplane! wins this bracket and moves on to the Final Four.

The final match in the B. A. Baracus Bracket is between Caddyshack and Weird Science. Both these are heavy hitters, as their seeding implies (#1 vs. #2). It's no surprise that these movies meet here, as each is extremely funny. Weird Science is much more indicative of the 80s lifestyle than is Caddyshack. This is because Caddyshack was released in 1980, and is really more a reflection of America in the seventies. But, it is an 80s movie by definition. Caddyshack might be the single most recognizable movie for men between the ages of 25 and 45. Every dude loves Caddyshack. Weird Science, though awesome in every respect, really only enjoys a cult following at this point in time. That's strange, since Weird Science was bigger at the time of its release than was Caddyshack. Each of these movies is a worthy contender for the Final Four, but Caddyshack gets the win. Its stellar cast is too strong, and its reputation as one of the best comedies ever simply launches it past Weird Science. Sorry John Hughes, you don't win this round. Caddyshack to round 5.

The final match in the Elite Eight is between Vacation and Sixteen Candles, the 1 and 2 seeds of the Rocky Dennis Bracket. John Hughes will get a Final Four representative after all! This is the toughest match of the Elite Eight, next to Fletch and Airplane!. Both Vacation and Sixteen Candles are perfect movies. Nothing could improve them. Vacation absolutely nails the typical lifestyle of an 80s suburban family, and Sixteen Candles absolutely nails 80s teen life in high school. So, which is the better 80s comedy? It is very tough to call, but Sixteen Candles has a slight edge on Vacation. But boy do you need a microscope to see that edge. Sixteen Candles has more charm and is a bit more multi-dimensional than Vacation. Sixteen Candles is a better "feel-good" movie too. Vacation is easily one of the best movies of the decade, or any decade, but Sixteen Candles marches on to the Final Four.

That completes the Elite Eight. Better Off Dead, Airplane!, Caddyshack, and Sixteen Candles are in the Final Four! Check the bracket to the right for a recap of the entire Smack-Off, and visit The Snout Bag soon to see how the Final Four breaks down. We're getting very close to discovering the best 80s comedy movie...

80s Movie Smack-Off (Part 7: Sweet Sixteen)

It's time for round 3 of the 80s Movie Smack-Off: the Sweet Sixteen! See parts 1-6 in previous posts for details on rounds 1 and 2. We'll complete all of round 3 here. The winners of round 3 go to the Elite Eight. Let's review the remaining movies and their respective match ups and seeds:

Bracket 1 (Haim/Feldman Bracket)

1. Revenge of the Nerds
5. Better Off Dead

6. Police Academy
2. The Money Pit

Bracket 2 (Gag Me with a Spoon Bracket)

1. Fletch
13. Summer School

3. Airplane!
2. The Naked Gun

Bracket 3 (B. A. Baracus Bracket)

1. Caddyshack
13. Amazon Women on the Moon

14. Bachelor Party
2. Weird Science

Bracket 4 (Rocky Dennis Bracket)

1. National Lampoon's Vacation
5. Raising Arizona

3. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
2. Sixteen Candles

Round 3 Results: Haim/Feldman Bracket

The first match in the Sweet Sixteen is between Revenge of the Nerds and Better Off Dead. It's obvious how far we are into the tournament, because each of these movies is quintessential 80s. Each are similar in that they are really silly and pure comedies. Some may consider it an upset, but Better Off Dead gets the squeaker win here. Why? Because it just has a few more weapons in its arsenal (but only a few!). Think about when Lane Myers is forced to date Joanne Greenwald (Rima Delane), his Dad's business partner's daughter. That date goes well. Or how about the Asian dude who talks like Howard Cosell? The cartoon segments in Better Off Dead are great too. Nerds is completely awesome and may have gone further in the Smack-Off if it were in a different bracket, but Better Off Dead simply has too much. Better Off Dead wins, 58-56.

The match between 6 seed Police Academy and 2 seed The Money Pit isn't nearly as close as the previous one. And, the result is not as the seeding would imply: this match is an upset. The Money Pit is not nearly as great as Police Academy. Police Academy has more 80s style shenanigans, and represents more of what one would expect from an 80s comedy. How about Larvell Jones, the Black dude who can make all the sound effects with his voice. Classic. Or George Martin, the Latin playboy who fakes his smarmy accent to get chicks. Yes, Police Academy is fantastic. It was so good it spawned about 100 sequels, none of which are as good but funny in their own ways (Lt. Mouser in Police Academy 2 is awesome). The Money Pit is very good, just not good enough. Police Academy to the Elite Eight.

Round 3 Results: B. A. Baracus Bracket

The first match of this bracket is between 80s favorite Fletch and Summer School. Summer School, a 13 seed, shockingly blazed into the Sweet Sixteen. The dance is over for it though, because while it deserves to come this far, it just can't compete with Fletch. Fletch is too polished, and better in almost all aspects. Fletch is Chevy Chase's tour de force, and has so many memorable lines. Summer School has nothing to feel bad about - it is one of the best little gems of the 80s . But, it doesn't have what it takes to be considered the best 80s comedy. Fletch beats Summer School, 74-68.

The next match is between 3 seed Airplane! and 2 seed The Naked Gun. Yikes. How can one of these movies go down? This is easily one of the closest matches in the entire Smack-Off. Each features Leslie Nielson, and each is great from start to finish. Both these movies are very similar in their brand of humor - both extremely silly and ridiculous. Airplane! gets the final shot off with a second on the clock...the ball hits the rim...rattles around...and drops through the bucket! Airplane! wins here by 2 points, and narrowly escapes to round 4. It's sad to see The Naked Gun fall here, but Airplane! wins because of its unreal cast. There are more funny actors in Airplane!, and it accomplishes just a bit more of what The Naked Gun attempted to do.

Round 3 Results: Gag Me with a Spoon Bracket

This match is between #1 Caddyshack and upstart sleeper #13 Amazon Women on the Moon. Amazon Women crushed its previous opponents and surprised the field by making the Sweet Sixteen. It really is an awesome movie. If you like stupid humor, it is for you. Caddyshack is pretty much the same though. It has plenty of stupid funny moments. This is a tough match to call. However, Caddyshack pulls through and secures the win. Amazon Women is fantastic, but Caddyshack just features to many all-stars (Ted Knight, Rodney Dangerfield, Chevy Chase, Bill Murray). Everyone knows lines from Caddyshack, and its popularity is well deserved. Caddyshack to round 4.

14 seed Bachelor Party and 2 seed Weird Science round out bracket 3. These are both great movies and offer a compelling match. They are a bit different, with Bachelor Party perhaps appealing to just a slightly older demographic than Weird Science. Weird Science gets the win here though, as it is much more original, zany, and overall funnier. Bachelor Party has great moments, but the plot gets a bit stale. Weird Science is another John Hughes favorite and really represents the era perfectly. Anthony Michael Hall is awesome, and Kelly LeBrock does a decent job too. You just have to love her accent - it made her that much hotter ("I'm taking Gary to a pah-tee"). Weird Science is great...it moves on to the Elite Eight.

Round 3 Results: Rocky Dennis Bracket

The first match of the Rocky Dennis Bracket is between 1 seed Vacation and 5 seed Raising Arizona. Sheesh. This is a close one. Vacation represents yet another of John Hughes' seemingly endless examples of 80s comedy gold; Raising Arizona is a masterpiece as was discussed in previous rounds. It was decreed that the only way Raising Arizona could lose the Smack-Off was if it ran into a movie that was as funny and more indicative of the era. Unfortunately, Vacation is just that movie. Yes, Vacation gets the win here, in triple overtime, because it is as funny, and definitely represents the pinnacle of 80s comedy. If the tournament was a Smack-Off to determine masterpiece cinema, Raising Arizona would bury Vacation. But, this Smack-Off seeks the best 80s comedy, and all things considered, Vacation is just great and slightly edges out Raising Arizona.

The final match of the Sweet Sixteen is between Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Sixteen Candles (what a shock, TWO more John Hughes movies). Each are of course great, and each indicative of 80s teenage life. Sixteen Candles is a bit more realistic, as Ferris Bueller gets a bit out of control at times (Ferris singing on a parade float? And why is there a parade on a weekday in Chicago?). Sixteen Candles gets the nailbiter win here, as it is just so charming and somehow rides the fence perfectly between being a genuine romance and ridiculous side splitter. Long Duck Dong, Bryce, and Ted are too much for Ferris. Sixteen Candles just has more of what made 80s comedies great, and is perfect in every way. Sixteen Candles to round 4.

That completes the Sweet Sixteen! Better Off Dead, Police Academy, Fletch, Airplane!, Caddyshack, Weird Science, Vacation, and Sixteen Candles all move on to the Elite Eight. Check the bracket to the right for a review of the brackets as they now stand. And, check back soon for the Elite Eight match ups as we move closer and closer toward crowning the best 80s comedy movie!

80s Movie Smack-Off (Part 6)

It's time to continue the 80s Movie Smack-Off (see parts 1-5 in previous posts for details on round 1 and round 2 match ups). Brackets 1 and 2 have already completed round 2 and the winners wait in the Sweet Sixteen. We'll complete round 2 for both Bracket 3 and Bracket 4 here to see what the Sweet Sixteen will look like overall. Let's review the movies and their respective seeds for Brackets 3 and 4:

Bracket 3 (B. A. Baracus Bracket)

1. Caddyshack
8. The Princess Bride

5. Ghostbusters
13. Amazon Women on the Moon

6. The Goonies
14. Bachelor Party

7. Trading Places
2. Weird Science

Bracket 4 (Rocky Dennis Bracket)

1. National Lampoon's Vacation
8. Beverly Hills Cop

5. Raising Arizona
4. Three Amigos!

6. Zapped!
3. Ferris Bueller's Day Off

10. UHF
2. Sixteen Candles

Round 2 Results: B. A. Baracus Bracket

The first match in this bracket is between Caddyshack and The Princess Bride. This isn't a bad match up, though each appeals to a different audience (and both to me). It's likely that many who love The Princess Bride are generally disgusted by Caddyshack because it is such a slob comedy, but those people don't realize all the glory that is Caddyshack. Caddyshack is just perfect because the storyline is so stupid (this statement is NOT contradictory). The story is almost non-existent. Except for the final money match between Dr. Beeper, Judge Smails, Ty Webb, and Al Czervik, there really isn't much of a plot, and the money match was just put in to have some sort of closure. No, Caddyshack is simply carried by its murderers row cast whose interactions provide the basis for its raison d’être. Princess Bride is a nice little flick that is charming and funny (and has great characters), but Caddyshack is a behemoth. It's too 80s, it's too funny, and it's about golf. Golf is better than sword fighting. Caddyshack over Princess Bride, 64-47.

The next match is between Ghostbusters and Amazon Women on the Moon. This is a closer match than the previous one. Each of these movies is classically funny, Ghostbusters being the obvious favorite and higher seed. There is an upset on the horizon though, because the under-the-radar Amazon Women on the Moon is the tits. That's right. It...is...the...tits. Amazon shifts gears all over the place, and is as funny as ANY movie of this era. Ghostbusters is great, and it's unfortunate that it ran into Amazon Women, but it loses this match. Amazon Women on the Moon is one of the most underrated comedies ever, and it takes out Ghostbuster's eye and shows it to it. Amazon Women on the Moon wins by 7 and goes to the Sweet Sixteen.

The 6/14 match is between The Goonies and Bachelor Party. This is a very tough match to call, because each movie is so different. The Goonies is a better quality movie; it has an original story and compelling plot twists. Bachelor Party is pretty self explanatory: it's a party with a bunch of scummy drunk assholes. Each are probably equally indicative of the 80s zeitgeist, with Bachelor Party being symbolic of 80s excess and The Goonies emblematic of 80s racial stereotypes and youthful optimism. The Goonies is not as much of a comedy, even though Mouth and his buddies do crack some jokes throughout the movie. Bachelor Party gets the squeaker victory here due to staying closer to the main theme of the Smack Off - it is a pure comedy. Plus, Bachelor Party features a dude who puts his cock in a hot dog bun. 'Nuff said. Bachelor Party 54, The Goonies 51.

The next match up is between 7 seed Trading Places and 2 seed Weird Science. This has to be the closest match in this round since Better Off Dead vs. Back to School. Both Trading Places and Weird Science are completely awesome, and it will be tough to declare a winner. Trading Places is a better "movie" than Weird Science; it has a solid storyline which translates to any era. The rich vs. poor element is well done, exposing the hypocrisies of each very well. Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd are the perfect tandem, and they are at the top of their game. Weird Science epitomizes 80s teenage life: the mall, chicks, and house parties. Weird Science doesn't have nearly the sophistication as Trading Places, but it has all those intangibles that make 80s movies great. If one were to ask you, what are some of the best movies of the 80s, the chances are Weird Science would be on your tongue before Trading Places. Weird Science invokes more memories of the era, and is much more nostalgic. Weird Science also has a hotter chick (though Kristin Holby as Penelope in Trading Places is really hot as a secondary character - go back and check it out!). As tough as this match is, Weird Science gets the win by 1 in overtime, mostly because of its pure 80s characters, timeless humor, and typical "guy gets girl" theme.

Round 2 Results: Rocky Dennis Bracket

The first match in Bracket 4 is 1 seed Vacation vs. 8 seed Beverly Hills Cop. One movie for white people and one for the African Americans. Heh heh. Not exactly, but these movies are pretty different from one another. Vacation is a perfect motif of middle class life in 80s suburbia, and Beverly Hills Cop provides a venue for Eddie Murphy to be his usual 80s hilarious self. Murphy is absolutely awesome in Bev Cop, and as mentioned in the early round the younger generation probably doesn't realize how big a star he was. Vacation is a better movie overall, as the plot of Beverly Hills Cop is sort of lame. Most can identify better with Vacation (at least those who ever drove in a car with their family). Vacation gets the win here; it is just better from start to finish and doesn't suffer from the typical "OK were 110 minutes into the movie and now the laughs are over and we need to wrap up the story" issues as do many comedies (including Beverly Hills Cop). If you doubt the result of this match, I have one name for you: Cousin Eddie. Vacation wins by 9.

The next match is between Raising Arizona and Three Amigos!, two favorites of the era. Each is much sillier and light-hearted than many comedies in the Smack-Off, and each is super funny from start to finish (there is a bit of seriousness in each toward the very end, but that's OK). One might think that these movies are really close in terms of their quality, but they really aren't with careful consideration. Let's end the suspense: Raising Arizona is far superior to Three Amigos!. It just is. The dialogue and writing in Raising Arizona is masterful; Three Amigos! is just one of the many great 80s comedies. Raising Arizona is great for the reason that all Cohen brothers movies are great: its original, has an unreal script, and makes you see the world in a different way. Raising Arizona is absolutely perfect. The only way it will lose in the Smack-Off is if it runs into a movie that is as funny, is more indicative of the era, and somehow is a more significant nostalgia piece. That's a tall order, but guess what? The Smack-Off is filled with such movies, so we shall see...Raising Arizona 73, Three Amigos! 61.

The next match is between 6 seed Zapped! and 3 seed Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Scott Baio vs. Matthew Broderick. Unfortunately, this match is not nearly as compelling as the previous one. Zapped! has some great moments, which mostly appeal to guys (c'mon, how many girls really enjoy seeing shirts flying open to expose tits?). Ferris is one of the seminal 80s comedies though. It is one of John Hughes' best efforts, even considering the legion of great films he directed in the 80s. Ferris is still a part of Americana. Ben Stein's "Bueller?...Bueller?..." during roll call is entrenched in everyone's memories. No one remembers any lines from Zapped!. Regardless of memorable lines, Ferris is just a better movie from start to finish. It does get a little weird during Cameron's meltdown (I was never really sure what that was all about), and thus has some pretty dark moments. But, Ferris Bueller's Day Off represents what we all want, a perfect day away from the drudgery of our lives, and is still as fun to watch today as it was in the 80s. Ferris Bueller wraps up this game early in the second half and beats Zapped! by 25.

The last match of round 2 is between UHF and Sixteen Candles. One was very popular (Sixteen Candles), one very obscure (UHF). UHF is another of those movies that only has a cult following, and it isn't just because people haven't seen it. UHF is similar to Amazon Women on the Moon or Hollywood Shuffle, and features marginal acting with funny skits. The problem is, many people don't like that sort of thing. So, UHF is a tough sell to a general audience, but that doesn't mean it isn't great for those who appreciate it. Weird Al is funny, and Fran Drescher and Victoria Jackson are in it too. Sixteen Candles is another John Hughes masterpiece, and perhaps the most charming of all his movies. Sixteen Candles somehow rides the line between being a silly romp and a romantic drama. It does both very well, and most everyone who was a child of the 80s loves this movie. They should; it is one of the Snoutbagger's all time faves. Sixteen Candles is North Carolina; UHF is North Carolina State. Guess what that means? Yup, Sixteen Candles moves on the Sweet Sixteen.

That completes round 2! Caddyshack, Amazon Women on the Moon, Bachelor Party, Weird Science, Vacation, Raising Arizona, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and Sixteen Candles join Brackets 1 and 2 winners in the Sweet Sixteen. Check the bracket to the right to review the entire tournament standings to this point, and check back on April 5 to see how round 3 breaks down.

Worst Dungeons & Dragons Monsters

The Snoutbagger recently compiled a list of the 15 best Dungeons and Dragons monsters that appeared in the original Monster Manual, Monster Manual 2, and Fiend Folio. As promised, he now presents the 15 WORST Dungeons and Dragons monsters from the same era. Strap yourself in and try not to spit up on your monitor, here's TSR Inc.'s greatest misses:

15. Blindheim

The blindheim is not the stupidest creature in D and D, but it is certainly in the discussion. It is a frog that lives underground. It has "eyes that shine like searchlights." If one looks at you, you have to make a saving throw or be blinded. When you are blinded it attacks. There is virtually no description beyond this. The blindheim somehow is chaotic evil, which doesn't make much sense due to the fact that it is basically an animal. Nonetheless, this lame monster is somehow one of the evilest creatures in the D and D universe. It's so boring it is hardly even worth talking about. You just have to wonder the process by which TSR decided on its monsters. If the blindheim is one of the keepers, how lame were the ones left on the cutting-room floor?

14. Enveloper

The enveloper is included here mostly because of how dumb he looks. It is amazing how non-scary the illustrations were in early D and D monster manuals. The contemporary ones do not suffer this way, as even some of the lame monsters look pretty menacing. Look at this depiction of the enveloper, though. What the fuck? Nice face. It looks like a living turd. It has some interesting powers, mostly regarding its ability to fall on top of dead bodies and absorb their abilities. After absorbing you, it can get up and start talking in your voice. Sweet. There are lamer monsters (as we will see!), but the enveloper certainly ranks high on the WTF scale.

13. Cat Lord
 

The Cat Lord is a unique monster; as you probably guessed, he's the lord of all cats. The dude is actually really powerful (-9 AC, 90% magic resistance, supra-genius intelligence, and assorted cat-like abilities). El Gato Masculino can assume the form of any feline, small or great, and can summon a slew of his furry friends to aid in battle. The amount of creatures he summons depends on the type of cat he wants. He can summon 1000 domestic cats (not sure how intimidating a legion of Mr. Whiskers would be), or a few giant tigers. He's pretty lame, being another example of how TSR really began to reach in their attempts at inventing new and creative monsters. If they went here, I'm not sure why they don't have a Dog Lord. They could publish a manual filled with animal lords. Besides his general silliness, check out his appearance! He looks like the offspring of Dave Navarro and the Night Stalker (Richard Ramirez). Who decided on that look? Not sure if he wants to rape someone or scratch their eyes out. A weird addition, and definitely not one of D and D's best.

12. Galeb Duhr

The galeb duhr is lame for similar reasons that the ascomoid is lame (#8 on this list). It is a giant boulder-like creature with appendages and a face. Its main attack is to bowl over its prey. You don't really have to worry about them unless you are mountain climbing or hiking in a rocky area. If you are, they like to surprise you by rolling down on top of you. It's just an animated boulder. They are decently tough, but nothing special. They're just about as boring as the previous blindheim, and offer nothing in particular to any adventure. I can just see a dungeon master: "OK, as your party makes its way through the serpentine landscape a giant rock falls on top of your halfling thief...what do you do?" Player: "Uh, we move the rock and continue on." DM: "Sorry, the rock has hands and feet. It wants to fight." Player: "I think I've come to the point where I am going to trade in these all-nighter D and D sessions and try getting some pussy for a change. Later."

11. Ogremoch

Ocremoch is a unique creature from the Fiend Folio, and one of the elemental princes of evil. Ogremoch is included here simply because...TAKE A FUCKING LOOK AT HIM! He looks like the bastard child of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. He actually is extremely tough: -7 AC, 110 hit points, 85% magic resistance, psionic abilities, and 2 attacks per round at 5-50 damage each (1 punch = coma time). Forget about that though, his best ability is to make you die of laughter from seeing how stupid he looks. His description is "a rough, apparently unfinished bipedal form." While his form may be unfinished, The Snoutbagger knows what IS finished: the career of whoever created him.

10. Modron

Gary Gygax's daughter must have been playing with alpha blocks when he invented the modron for Monster Manual 2. Modrons come in variations and each type looks like a different abstract shape; some are spheres, some look like 2x4s, some like squares, and some like triangles. Each modron looks is silly as the one shown in the picture (some are even stupider). They are very lame and to top it off, they live under a rigid caste system on the plane of Nirvana under the rule of Primus the One. So, Nirvana is like ancient India I guess. Modron society is hierarchical with laborers at the bottom and judges and viceroys at the top. All of this must be crucial to the D and D universe because the modron description page is six pages long! You'd think with them being so important the D and D dudes could choose a more compelling physical form. They look like clip art. Modrons are totally bizarre, but not weird enough to be cool. Stupid 1, D and D 0.

9. Owlbear

The owlbear is easily one of the dumbest monsters in D and D. Most monsters in the first Monster Manual are pretty good, but this one is a big time loser. Virtually none of the monsters that simply combine facets of multiple animals are ever any good. The result is inevitably uninspired and lame. Just look at the picture! Even the illustration is ridiculous. "It's a bear...and a bird...run...I guess." Owlbears are decently tough opponents for low level characters; defeating just a few of them would be close to impossible for a 1-3rd level party, even though they don't really have any unique abilities. They perform just as you would expect: they peck at you with their beak or scratch you with their claws. Its one "special attack" is to "grasp a victim and squeeze and bite it to death." The description says that owlbears are "probably the result of genetic experimentation by some insane wizard." The Snoutbagger thinks it is probably more accurate that the editor who created it was going through a divorce and living in his car.

8. Ascomoid

Ascomoids look like giant golf balls. They are "puffball-like fungi" that move by rolling. One of its better features is that it can roll for a long time without getting tired (the Monster Manual 2 actually says that!). They attack by rolling over opponents. An ascomoid attack must be like Woody Allen in Sleeper when he tries to crush his attackers with that inflatable rubber suit Diane Keaton tricks him into wearing. Ten bucks says that Yakety Sax starts playing during its fights. It spits gas spores too which can kill you if you inhale them. The description also says that the ascomoid "has no mind by ordinary standards." If that is so, it must be an autobiographical creation.

7. Obliviax (Memory Moss)

Obliviax, or memory moss, is one of the silliest creatures in the Monster Manual 2. One can really see a drop off in originality while perusing the monsters created after Monster Manual 1, and obliviax moss is another example of them really stretching to find something new. Memory moss is an "evil black moss" (scary!) that has the power to steal memories from others. If it is lucky enough to steal a wizard's memories it might be able to cast some spells at you. It can't attack other than that. If your memories are stolen, the only way to retrieve them is to EAT the obvliviax moss. I'm not making this up. A saving throw determines whether you get your memories back or whether you start puking moss. Who knows how one knows their memories are sucked away since they obviously have no memory of them. Obliviax: a swing and a miss.

6. Stench Kow

I can barely write this entry without pissing myself. "Stench kine [sic] are the cattle of the Nine Hells." Stinky cows? In hell? Let's examine them closer: they are immune to cold, fire, and poison. Here's their best attack: if you get close to them you have to make a saving throw vs. poison due to "the odor of their breath and body." If you fail the saving throw you react as if a hobo shoved his underwear in your face. Stench kine (can barely type that without laughing) aren't tough other than that. I can just imagine the brain storming session during TSR's production meeting: Gary Gygax: "Does anyone have anything good for the new Monster Manual?" Assistant Editor: "OK, how about a cow that lives in hell." Gygax: "Um, well, OK. What are its powers?" Assistant Editor: "It smells bad." Gygax: "Alright, let's bump the syphilis swine in favor of the stench kow." So bad!

5. Ixitxachitl

I have an idea, let's just use an animal that already exists in the world and give it a name no one can pronounce. That can be a monster, right? Wrong. The ixitxachitl is the unpronounceable version of...a sting ray. Oh wait, an intelligent sting ray (my bad). What makes the ixitxachitl more than a ray? They attend church! They're clerics! They are total pussies overall (AC 6, 1+1 hit dice), but if you encounter 10 of them at once...get ready...one will be able to cast spells at you like it were a second level cleric! A second level cleric basically has 2 first level spells, and first level cleric spells are next to useless. Your GPS is more useful. A $10 hooker with a penis is more useful. This basically means it can cast light, detect good/evil, or create water (which is ironic since it lives in water). Killer cleric stingrays are perhaps the dumbest juxtaposition ever in D and D. Its description says that "discovering an ixitxachitl lair is difficult, for they are hidden by a secret entrance." Finding their lair is probably half as difficult as understanding why TSR created them in the first place.

4. Carbuncle

The carbuncle is "similar to an armadillo with an 'armoured' upper surface of small interlocking 'plates' of tough leathery skin." Interesting how the Fiend Folio uses this description to distinguish the carbuncle from a normal armadillo; what the fuck is the difference? It feeds on leaves and small insects (sounds intimidating). Check this out: it has a ruby set on its head. Wizards can coax one to give up its gem by casting charm monster on it, then the gem can be sold. Captivating. The carbuncle also has telepathic powers. It can talk to you...in your mind! Here's the kicker: "if attacked, it puts up no resistance and is easily captured...it can will itself to die." What the fuck it that? Somehow this stupid thing has a neutral alignment with "evil tendencies." Who knows what TSR was thinking here. Seems like they had a think tank filled with monkeys on LSD.

3. Lava Children

Lava children are another ridiculous monster found in the Fiend Folio. they are the "unnatural offspring of a union between spirits of earth and fire," which is so vague it is utterly meaningless. Definitely an unflushed turd here. They are subterranean humanoids which have a "curious child-like appearance" and a "permanent smile on their faces." It actually says that in their description! So, you basically are fighting a troglodyte that looks like Alfred E. Neuman. They are immune to metal, and swords just pass right through them. Lava children are creatures that must have been inspired by a TSR editor who forgot until the last minute that he was responsible for editing the L section of the Folio, passing the assignment along to the interns. Very lame.

2. Flail Snail

This monster is so stupid it is unbelievable. A SNAIL with a bunch of morning star tentacles? Really? What's next, the butt-plug slug? This entry must have been the result of TSR's staff having serious coke habits. I have an idea, how about killer kittens, purgatory puppies, or a chickenlich? If I encountered one of these in an adventure I would accuse the DM of making shit up as he went along. Flail snails are 8 feet tall, and "utter pitiful wailing cries" when they are close to death. It is magic resistant too, which makes no sense because few creatures in D and D are magic resistant (except demons and devils and other powerful creatures), and animals of any kind virtually never are. It's like they had to do something for people to take it seriously. This monster is so silly it is embarrassing.

1. Al-mi'raj

Here we are, at the end. And the award for the lamest D and D monster goes to...the al-mi'raj (the what?). What else is there to describe other than it is a bunny rabbit...with a unicorn horn. It can fight though! It "will stab with its horn, its nimbleness giving the horn damage potential of...a dagger" (1-4 points of damage). A fart could do worse damage. Maybe they included it because of its "acute sense of smell" and "sharp eyesight." If they thought the name would make it appealing they were sorely mistaken. I'm curious as to why they didn't include the terrible toaster, sinistar socks, or smelly snatch as well. Just look at the picture. What more is there to say?