Heroin Eyes

A friend of the Snoutbagger once described what it felt like to use heroin:

"You know that feeling you get when you make eye contact with someone you have a crush on, and you lock eyes for an instant, and your stomach sinks and you feel a rush of endorphins surge through you? Being on heroin feels like that for four hours straight."

Singletary Must Go

The San Francisco 49ers were obliterated by the Chiefs today and fell to 0-3. The Niners are the Bagger's team, so he's pissed.


Mike Singletary

 Here's what I know:

 It is time for Mike Singletary to get fired.

I never really loved the Singletary hire, but I did give him the benefit of the doubt when he inspired the Niners to a few wins after Mike Nolan was let go. But now it is evident that Singletary must go. The problem isn't his desire or passion to win, it's rather that he just isn't that smart. 


Tom Cable: The New Generation
of Dumb Shit Coach

NFL teams more and more seem to be staking their futures in the hands of ra-ra type coaches who really don't have much of an idea of how to manage a team (see Herm Edwards for a good example of a dummy ex-coach/cheerleader). Oh yes they get fired up but these reactive head coaches never win consistently. This characterizes Singletary. Consider the NFL head coaches of the past who have won the Super Bowl. Most are cerebral, calm, and collective. Think of Bill Belichick or Bill Walsh. The recent coaches have this quality too. Sean Payton is obviously an intelligent coach. Mike Tomlin seems intelligent (though I think he was a bit more lucky than good the year he won the Super Bowl). Brian Billick has an amazing football intellect. Guys like Mike Tice, Lovie Smith, Tom Cable, Romeo Crennell, and Mike Singletary are just too dumb for the job.



Mike Nolan in his Stupid Suit

 I also don't like that Singetary wears a stupid wooden cross the size of a telephone pole around his neck. What the fuck is that? No one cares about your religion, Mike, especially when your team is getting the shit kicked out of them by 30 points. Mike Nolan's suits used to piss me off in the same manner. OK bro, ya we see you in your suit on the sideline and ya we know you are a throwback and all, but how stupid did he look in that suit with his team getting their teeth kicked in every week? If you are going to try and be different than others just for difference's sake you'd better win some games.

I also don't particularly care for the fact that Singletary has a stopwatch hanging around his neck. He appears to time plays with it or something. Stupid. How many NFL head coaches are wasting their time doing such ridiculous things? It's amateur hour. It's bush league. It seems like he's thinking, "The cameras will catch me with my watch and the people will see that I am an innovative coach and this is how I will make my mark." I am just waiting for the game announcers to comment on it. I'm sure Jaws and Chucky will be all up Singletary's ass about it: "And folks, notice that Mike Singletary hasn't lost touch with the rudimentary aspects of coaching. He's hands-on with that stopwatch. He's in the trenches with the players. That's why they love playing for him folks." Ya right. That's why they love flying across the nation to get the piss knocked out of them by the Chiefs.



Not Steve Young
Not Joe Montana
Not Jeff Garcia



The Niners have other problems too (a grossly inconsistent quarterback and an offensive line as tough as wet Kleenex to name a few), but the fish stinks from the head and Singletary must go.

At 0-3 the Niners' playoff hopes look dim. The fact that they play in the shittiest division in the history of sports could help though. But god dammit many thought they would win the West this year, including me (and I am ALWAYS pessimistic about their chances).

We'll see what happens next week after the Niners get waxed by the Falcons. Unfortunately NFL head coaches are never fired until it is too late.

The Mobius Quest

Far across the distance - that treacherous divide,
Is found that thing for which we yearn.

We seek the thing to quench our thirst,

But whence its found - our thirst returns.

Jonestown Revisited

Jim Jones

Everyone knows the term "He drinks the Kool-Aid." It refers to someone who follows an idea or directive blindly or in reference to someone who strongly believes in some cause. Most also know the term's origin; it refers to the Jonestown mass suicides that occurred in Guyana back in 1978.

The Jonestown phenomenon is absolutely incredible. Take some time to look into it for an instant dose of horrible feelings.

Many of the deaths were certainly murders rather than voluntary suicides, but the death toll was 918. Check out the pictures.

The Time magazine cover of the steel tub used to mix the cyanide and Kool-Aid is intolerably disturbing.

It is amazing that the search for the one thing humans covet over all else - meaning - can lead us astray to catastrophic ends. The Jonestown events are ample evidence that the hearts of men are filled with dark places...

Worst Date Movies

Bad Lieutenant

Gummo

Dangerous Game

Barfly

The following movies are without a doubt questionable choices for you and your lady on a date...

Deliverance

In The Company Of Men

Bully

Blue Velvet

Boys Don't Cry

The Ice Storm

Kids

Happiness

Man Bites Dog

Leaving Las Vegas

Spanking The Monkey

Requiem For A Dream

Taxi Driver

Purple People Eaters Eaten

Mark the Snoutbagger's words: Brett Pharv is OVER. He will enjoy one of the worst, if not the worst, years of his career this year. The Vikings dropped their season opener to the Saints in New Orleans, and the old gunslinger showed signs of what is to come this Fall. Expect a slew of forced passes up the middle and across the field that are intercepted. I predict that we will see more pick-sixes from Pharv this year than ever before. He's too old, he's too arrogant, and the speed of the NFL will finally expose these truths.

This will end up crippling Minnesota both now and later, as they have mortgaged their future by relying on Pharv at quarterback. They have no backup plan, and they soon will join the ranks of the mediocre, along with ne'er-do-wells such as Denver, Chicago, Carolina, and Arizona (that's right, I said it; the Cardinals are shitty. They were last year, and they even were two years ago when they somehow took a 9-7 record to the Superbowl).

This is also the season where Pharv's iron man record ends. He will suffer an injury that causes him to miss a start. He is a rag doll out there, and he's going to get smacked hard sometime soon.

I'll end with this thought: can we consider a NFL quarterback who has started virtually every game for 20 years one of the best ever if he only has one Superbowl ring? Hmm...

Narly Nuptials

The Snoutbagger attended the wedding of good friend C. Wright Parsons yesterday. 'Twas easily one of the best soirees the Bagger has attended in years. Afterward I pondered why some weddings are better than others. Here are ten things that make the difference at a wedding...

1. A short ceremony

While tradition may be important to some, the younger generation seems to be moving away from long wedding ceremonies. This is a smart move and imperative if one is to claim an awesome wedding. Considering that guests commonly must wait quite a while for the ceremony to begin, a long ceremony seeped in tradition can equate to an hour and a half of sitting silently. Too much. People are awkward and uncomfortable during this stage, the groom and bride inevitably stammer their vows, and there is nothing a priest/rabbi/minister can say at this point in human history in terms of inspiration that isn't a complete cliche. 15 minutes is more than enough time for everyone involved.

2. Single bridesmaids/groomsmen

While weddings are fun for everyone, the best wedding experience is reserved for those who are single. Bridesmaids and groomsmen can set the tone for the rest of the crowd, and if they are on the prowl the chances are a wedding will be memorable. There is nothing worse than a train of bridesmaids who are already married themselves.

3. A young bride

The focus of a wedding is singular: the bride. Every groom looks the same. The bride shines throughout the wedding; it is her time to be her most beautiful. The worst combinations for a wedding are 1. an older bride (say in her late 30s) and 2. a bride marrying her second husband. There is nothing better than a 21 year old bride at the peak of her attractiveness on display for all to see. Be young, or elope to Vegas.

4. Purposive music

Music is ubiquitous at a wedding, and everything about a couple is revealed by their music choices. The worst weddings are those that blindly follow traditional music selections, e.g. having Pachelbel's Canon in D playing as guests sit for the ceremony, and Kenny G playing at the reception. The best weddings have carefully planned music for each stage of the event. The Bagger's buddy C. Wright Parsons obviously spent time in selecting the music for before, during, and after the ceremony. It was great to hear Radiohead and Pink Floyd rather than a generic harp playing in the background.

5. Something different, something clever

The wedding theme is played out. Weddings in America are all the same mostly, regardless of tradition or religion. All seem to follow the "ceremony no one particularly enjoys" opening, the "drink and eat like the homeless" reception to loosen everyone up, the "oh it's dinner now?" meal, and the "old fucks please leave so the young can get shit faced and embarrass themselves" after party. There's nothing wrong with this, mind you. But great weddings implement something novel into the mix. C. Wright Parsons had table settings labeled by rock bands, e.g. the "Grateful Dead" table. There was a live tiger at the venue too. Meow. Did your wedding feature jungle cats? I didn't think so. It's shit like that people remember. No one gives an F about the seat covers. Send everyone home with a free bottle of 20 year old scotch or something.

6. Attractive people

Let's get real shallow here. Weddings with a lot of hot minkies are better than weddings that feature frumpy girls with bad complexions. We've all seen that maid of honor who has been best friends with the bride since Kindergarten - you know the one - she has the face of Jeneane Garofalo, the body of Gabourey Sidebe, and the complexion of Edward James Olmos. Sorry, the hotter the girls are at a wedding, the better the wedding will be. End of story. Most weddings have that one 22 year old brunette everyone notices who is 5'8" and a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. You know the one I'm talking about...she's from out of town, she's single, she's wearing a backless fucktail dress, and she has an eighth of weed in her purse for later on. If your wedding has five or more of these types of girls, then it will be a goooood time. Bank on it.

7. An open bar with hard liquor

Alcohol is the sine qua non of any successful and memorable wedding. This is not debatable. The worst weddings I've attended... 1. have limits on how long liquor is served, 2. only serve beer and wine, 3. charge for drinks. The best weddings I've attended... 1. feature a free open bar with hard liquor that 2. becomes available directly after the ceremony ends and 3. never closes. Major kudos to C. Wright Parsons and his wedding yesterday for featuring an all day/all night open bar with top shelf liquor. All the Johnnie Walker Black you can drink. Tits.

8. A special wedding cake Drugs

Even though drugs are illegal, the fact is that many a wedding experience has been vastly improved under the influence of some illicit substance. I'm not saying one should be shooting heroin with the Rabbi in the bathroom, but simply that a few hits of the ganj or some other mild narcotic can shake things up in the right way. You need to be functional at a wedding, so discretion should be used. It is always funny to see a bunch of shitty-grinned, sunglasses-wearing groomsmen who are high. There is something cool about knowing that you are at a classy resort or establishment, amongst a bunch of rich people, and completely stoned. There also are few things better than getting high with people who were complete strangers only 4 hours earlier. Drug use reveals how different a wedding can be at its different stages. Everyone is a stranger to each other during the ceremony; after the liquor starts flowing at the reception one can sneak away for a quick hitter and be balls deep up in the guts of the best man's sister within a half hour.

9. Random hookups

Weddings are not about the sparks that fly between the bride and groom. In contemporary America most brides and grooms have been fucking for years, and many already live together. So, their relationship offers no excitement. The Snoutbagger always loves the irony of when a priest drones on about chastity and love and mutual respect and how the bride and groom met when everyone knows they met at a bar and that the bride sucked the groom's cock before even knowing his name. Long story short, cupid cares not about those on the alter; he aims for those in the crowd. The hookups that occur amongst a group of 22 year olds who have been drinking for six hours at a wedding is a thing of beauty. A savvy stud can put together a very impressive string of hookups. Real pros can even instigate a cat fight between two girls who both fancy their attention. A friend of the Snoutbagger got married, and at the reception the mother of the bride accidently tripped over the best man and maid of honor while they were on the ground fucking. Try and beat that. It ain't the cake, but rather random hookups that are the engine that drives a perfect wedding.

10. Not having to drive home

The last element to a perfect wedding is being able to get as plastered as desired without having to worry about driving. Many a wonderful evening after a wedding has been spoiled by a night in the drunk tank. Knowing that you will be puking in someone else's car at the end of the evening can really increase one's level of fun during a wedding.

The Pig Season Begins with a Quack Attack

NCAA football is underway, thank God. I so detest August for its pre-season NFL games and NCAA football hype. Just put the pig in play already. I want to see Chris Fowler, Lee Corso, and Kirk Herbstreit discuss games that have actually been played rather than the inane speculation and debate about whether Lame Kiffin and Rich Rodriguez have character issues.

The Oregon Ducks beat the shit out of the New Mexico Lobos today, 72-0. Now that...is an ass kicking. The score was 59-0 at the HALF. I wish I could have heard the Lobos' half time speech. What do you even say at that point? What's left to say? It would have been great if OU coach Chip Kelly would have had the cheerleaders suit up for the second half while the players went into the visiting student section to pick up on the Lobos' girlfriends. I actually think the OU cheerleaders could have kept New Mexico under 59 in the second half. I truly believe this!

We'll see if the Ducks and their stupid rotating Nike wardrobe are for real soon enough.

Anyone see the catch WR Julio Jones (Alabama) made today? That might be the best we'll see all year...

Here are things I want to happen this season:

I want Big Blue to lose 6 games so I can see Rich Rodriguez slither even farther down the toilet (I'm pissed they beat UCONN today).

I want USC to lose 6 games so Lame Kiffin has to give his clothes back to the emperor who lent them to him.

I want Notre Dame to continue its string of mediocre seasons so NBC can enjoy more shittier-than-they-should-be ratings.

I think I want Alabama to lose because of Nick Saban's stoic-asshole persona, and because he was pissed when he got doused with Gatorade during last year's national championship game (seriously fucker, you just won the NCAA title...lighten the F up). But, I have always liked the Tide, and they have the second best uniforms in the nation.

I want Penn State to win it all, because Joe Pa rules and because I'm still pissed the Nittany Lions did not receive a share of the national title back in '94 when they went undefeated and had one of the best offenses in NCAA football history. I mentioned previously that 'Bama has the second best uniforms in the nation. Guess who has the best? Yup...the Nittany Lions.

I want more Smurf Turf games that mean something. I'm sold on Boise State, but shit...can we get a meaningful game after the beginning of September for once?

And lastly, I want God, Satan, Allah, Quetzalcoatl, Zeus, Odin, or whoever runs the show to please intervene and GET A FUCKING PLAYOFF IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL. I have never, ever in my 30+ years of following sports heard lamer excuses for why a playoff can't exist. College pig used to be the second biggest sport in this country, behind Major League Baseball and ahead of boxing and horse racing. There is no greater myopia in the modern era than the thought process of those who claim a playoff isn't practical, possible, or prudent. Without going into too many details, and while trying not to get too pissed off, here's a precis of what to do:

Have all NCAA schools play a max of 11 games (before the bowl season). Have 16 teams selected to the "Big Dance" and seed them 1-16 a la NCAA hoops March Madness. Let them play rounds once per week over four weeks to decide a champion (8 games week 1, 4 games week 2, 2 games week 3, national title week 4). Hold the championship game on New Years Day the way it used to be done.

Two teams end up playing 15 games. Before you say that's too many, most of the better teams play (at least) 12-13 games in this era anyway (considering conference tournaments and bowl games). Some play 14 game seasons. I doubt those that go far in my tournament scenario would care because of the boatload of TV and ticket sales cash rolling in to the school's coffers each week, and players wouldn't miss class either because it's the holiday season (another red herring supporters of the current system often argue).

There are obvioulsy sacrifices to be made, but that's inevitable in any new system. The Big Ten just split Ohio State and Michigan into separate divisions, so don't tell me about tradition keeping a system the way it is (and yes I know the Buckeyes and Wolverines will still play each other each November).

The other argument that bowl games would become meaningless with the implementation of a tournament is another stupid position. This just in: every bowl game except one is ALREADY MEANINGLESS. No one gives a shit about a BCS bowl unless it's the national championship. Keep the bowls. Who cares? There's nothing stopping schools from going to them. The only one who really cares about bowl matchups are students and almuni anyway. Really, what national interest is there in a 6-5 San Diego State team playing a 7-4 North Carolina squad in the Las Vegas Bowl?

Let's get a tournament, NCAA. You think March Madness is big? A college football tourney would make people hibernate through March until MLB opening day in April.

Walkman Nostalgia

The ipod generation will never know the wonderful limits of the Sony Walkman. Here is a picture of the model I owned back in 1985. It was as small as a cassette case and only needed 1 AA battery. I absolutely loved this device. I think it was better to be forced to listen to one tape at a time rather than choose the myriad combinations of artists and songs the shuffle and playlist features of today's ipods/mp3 players allow. It's the same logic that reveals why LPs are better than CDs in many ways; you are forced to listen to an album in its entirety, in the order the artist intended. It's sad that today the concept of an entire album is mostly long gone. Funny to think I actually miss the Dolby B noise reduction and Cr02/Metal settings my Walkman featured.

Big Ben Less The Raper

This just in...NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has reduced Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger's suspension for [alleged] sexual misconduct from 6 to 4 games. This is interesting considering that nothing has changed regarding the incident for which Roethlisberger was suspended. The only thing that has changed is that time has passed. I wonder if money has anything to do with this. The Roethlisberger incident and subsequent allayed outrage is indicative of a very big problem in American society. Is there no sense of decency? Shame on Goodell. Shame on the NFL. Shame on the rest of us for sins of omission.

A New Sports Blog

My friend C. Wright Parsons has a great sports blog up and running. Mets fans shouldn't miss it. Since no one will admit they follow the Mets, you can tell others you read the blog for the alternate posts...

Those Timeless Tunes...

Here's a list of 20 absolutely great, great, great songs (in no particular order). I don't care that many are over-played. They should be.

1. More Than A Feeling - Boston
2. Born To Run - Bruce Springsteen
3. The Boys Of Summer - Don Henley
4. The Spirit Of Radio - Rush
5. I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues - Elton John
6. I Want To Know What Love Is - Foreigner
7. Baker Street - Gerry Rafferty
8. Somebody's Baby - Jackson Browne
9. Fire And Rain - James Taylor
10. Faithfully - Journey
11. Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon and Garfunkel
12. Sloop John B - The Beach Boys
13. In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
14. Stuck On You - Lionel Richie
15. I Love You - Climax Blues Band
16. Sister Golden Hair - America
17. If You Leave Me Now - Chicago
18. Leaving On A Jet Plane - John Denver
19. Perfect Day - Lou Reed
20. Baba O'Riley - The Who