Grape Soda

The Snoutbagger has been reminiscing about childhood memories recently. I started thinking about how different a child's palate is than an adult's. I then remembered all the crap my buddies and I used to eat: candy, soda, and all the other junk kids love.

I then began to think about grape soda and developed a hankering for it. I haven't had grape soda for at least 25 years (yes the Bagger is a crusty old turd). So, I went to the store and bought a fuckin' 12 pack of Grape Crush. Deal with it.

The verdict: it was even better than I remembered. Seriously. The amount of sugar in it must be massive. I could barely put it down for more than a few seconds. I just kept drinking it until it was gone.

What's the point? The point is that I recommend getting your ass to the store to by some fucking grape soda.

Canine Bangover

This vid is without a doubt the Snoutbagger's all time favorite. To this day I cannot figure out why the black and white dog takes off at 0.13 seconds in.

Best and Worst Sports Announcers

Here's a list of the Snoutbagger's favorite and most abhorred sports announcers: 10 of the best and 10 of the worst in the business...

THE BEST

Mike Patrick

There is no better play-by-play announcer for NCAA college basketball than Mike Patrick. He also excelled when he covered the NFL for ESPN on Sunday nights (with Paul McGuire and Joe Theismann, still my favorite trio for NLF games, though probably an unpopular opinion). There are few things better than hearing Patrick announce a Duke vs. North Carolina hoops game at Cameron Indoor Stadium. He's perfect.

Hubie Brown

Hubie Brown is the gold standard for NBA color announcers, period. There is no one better. There will never be one better. He's the smartest and the most informative. I almost have literally never disagreed with anything he has ever said during a broadcast. Listening to him is like taking basketball 101 - it's an education in itself. How awesome is it that a few years ago he went back to coach the Memphis Grizzlies and was named NBA coach of the year for his outstanding efforts. The next year he's back at TNT kicking ass behind the mic. He is the best ever.

Buck Martinez

Buck is probably the most obscure announcer on this list. I love him. He is another one of those announcers I would place into the "never disagree with him" category. He's intelligent, always is one step ahead of the action, and really knows baseball. When he pops up from time to time I always feel privileged to listen to him.

Kevin Harlon

Kevin Harlon does play-by-play for TNT and is the Minnesota Timberwolves full time announcer. He is great because of his enthusiasm that never comes off as forced or insincere. I can hear him now..."Kobe Bryant drives to the rim with no regard for human life!" He's definitely one of the better play-by-play guys there is. His commentary makes players seem larger than life. Gotta love him.

Vin Scully

Vin Scully is perhaps the most revered living baseball announcer. Even considering the mountain of praise he routinely receives he still might be underrated. He is baseball. I love that he broadcasts games alone, a trend that has long been uncommon. Above all else, he shines because he is always impartial. He never takes sides or shows an inkling of favoritism toward the Dodgers. There is nothing more relaxing than sitting home and watching the Dodgers lose while the consummate master Scully rolls on. The sun is setting on his career, so take a few sips of the fine wine before it's gone forever...

Clark Kellogg

Clark was one of the best NCAA hoops analysts for years. He's another one of the dudes I always agree with. He is very astute. He inherited the color commentary job during the Final Four from Billy Packer: a job he richly deserves.

David Feherty

Faherty is great on a Sunday afternoon. That Irish accent just drips golf etiquette. I love how he isn't afraid to call a spade a spade and criticize golfers too. The major tournaments wouldn't be the same without him chiming in from time to time.

Mike Tirico

Mike does NFL games and hosts various golf tournaments too. He is perhaps the best current play-by-play announcer in the NFL. Too bad he works with those two brown nosers Ron Jaworski and John Gruden. He is very underrated and should receive more accolades for his work. He's the consummate pro.

John McEnroe

Pouty John McEnroe, who sported one of the worst attitudes of all time during his playing days, has turned into the best tennis analyst on television. He tells it like it is (like we would expect him to!), but gone are the tantrums. All that's left is cogent thoughts on the best sport no one follows.

Joe Buck

Joe Buck had one of the worst talk shows of all time (his recent stint on HBO, Joe Buck Live barely lasted past the first episode - check it out to see how he handled guest Artie Lange...believe me its worth it). He was disastrous as a host. That's OK because he is the consummate pro when it comes to play-by-play. He covers both MLB and the NFL; he's very good at covering football; he's unparalleled when it comes to baseball. He is very quick to report contingencies or possible scenarios from situation to situation and often seems to know more about the game than his sidekicks. There are none better at what he does.

THE WORST

Daryl "Moose" Johnston

Moose covers NFL games, and he is the ultimate example of mediocrity. He's not that smart and it shows during his broadcasts. I can't think of anything he brings to the table of interest. He's boring.

Mark Jackson

Action Jackson is now one of TNT's main color commentators. It seems that he does every game because  he's on TV so much. He juxtaposes Jeff Van Gundy, who together are the new version of Snapper Jones and Bill Walton (one serious guy, one clown). Jackson has a strange, conservative ninnyness to him and comes off as extremely up-tight. That's not why he sucks though. He sucks because of his monotone voice and because he is B O R I N G.

Joe Morgan

One of the main reasons Joe Morgan sucks has nothing to do with him. It is because his sidekick Jon Miller constantly kisses his ass while Joe basically ignores him. Morgan has plenty of reasons why he is bad by himself though. He is a perfect example of a guy that knows all the ins and outs of baseball but doesn't have a very creative mind. The best way I can explain what I mean is to compare him to a musician who plays the notes but not the music. Also, I hate how he never changes his mind about something he's said, even when instant replay clearly shows he was in error. He typically will state that a pitch caught the edge of the plate and reiterate it when the replay shows the pitch six inches off the plate. Intolerable. I also get the feeling that he don't like-a-tha-white-people that much.

Dan Dierdorf

Dierdorf is the ultimate ass kisser and specializes in the art of the cliche. He's the only person on the planet who actually uses the term "kudos," and he uses it a lot. Boy has he gotten old over the years. The combination of Al Michaels, Frank Gifford, and Dierdorf for years on Monday Night Football was almost enough to make me eat my gun. Thank God Gifford is retired so I don't have to rail on how bad he was.

Stuart Scott

OK so Stuart Scott doesn't exactly fit the announcer roll as do the others on this list (though I think he has broadcast a few games). But his act is so tired and lame at this point he needs to be chastised here. His hosting of the multi-part series Who's More Now? on ESPN a few years back was the culmination of his idiocy (the show debated which athletes were more "now," which was Scott's lingo for "popular" - a useless and ridiculous endeavor). He hasn't been original or entertaining since he uttered "as cool as the other side of the pillow" back in the mid 1990s.

John Madden

Now retired, Madden became so played-out it is embarrassing. There is hardly a better example of someone who became a caricature of himself than Madden. He knew the game well; unfortunately he sounded like he was retarded when he tried to convey it.

Magic Johnson

Magic does color commentary for NBA games from time to time, and since he isn't really a full time regular I'll give him some slack. On second thought, I won't because he is soooo bad and full of hyperbole it is pathetic. The fact that he can't construct a grammatical sentence doesn't help either. What is it with athletes that they never evolve in their speech ability, even when they work as professional orators? Don't they try and refine their English upon knowing they will work as a professional commentator? Here's a  few quotes from Magic when he covered a past NBA dunk contest: "Larry Johnson's problem is that he be too quick," and "Well, what it is is...the crowd wanted power...and the crowd got power!! Ha ha ha!!" Brilliant.

Keith Jackson

Everyone loves Keith Jackson, who is a stalwart of NCAA football broadcasting. The emperor has no clothes. Keith Jackson hasn't pronounced a name correctly for thirty years. Anyone remember when he retired and CBS had a big special about his career? He was back the next year televising games again. That was close to 15 years ago! "The young man #53 there from...uh...Biloxi Mississippi...with the tackle." Horrible.

Chris Bermen

It pains me to place Bermen among the worst announcers, because I grew up loving him and in many ways his voice to me represents sports for my generation (back back back back back when he was tolerable). However, his act has really withered over the years. The silly names (Andre "Bad Moon" Rison, for instance) have become stale, though he continues to spew them out. His biggest flaw is his constant references to himself regarding how long he has been in the business and how long ESPN has been doing its thing. Enough. He's become really long winded too. There is no better example of someone who has diminished in quality over the years.

Tim McCarver

Putting Tim McCarver on a list of the worst announcers is sort of like putting Scarlett Johannson on a list of actresses with the sultriest voices: it's a no-brainer. He is an easy target with years of gaffs to condemn. He constantly over-analyzes baseball, and has an answer for every single thing that happens during a game. I remember him best for when Deion Sanders dumped water on him over and over. Classic.

Beer!

Here's a list of a few of the Snoutbagger's favorite brews, in no particular order. There are many other beers I love, but these are the ones that come to mind...

FAVORITE BEERS

Chimay

Ah, Chimay. If pushed the Bagger would probably claim the Chimay white label as his all time favorite brew. It has a perfect balance. You must drink it from a special glass. So you know it must be good. It's an ale brewed by the Trappist monks.

Skullsplitter

Skullspliter is a Scottish brew made by the Orkney brewery. It's potent and yet very drinkable. C. Wright Parsons and I discovered it in Boston a few years back. I buy it often, though it is really expensive and only comes in 4 packs.

Samuel Adams Imperial White

Not to be confused with Sam Adams White Ale (which sucks), the Imperial White is a wheat beer and extremely good. I normally don't care for wheat beers much, but this one is excellent. It is uber-potent at over 10% ABV, but still drinkable. I absolutely love this stuff. It is also uber-expensive and only comes in 4 packs, which makes me want to throw the empty bottles against the wall in anger. 

 
Sapporo

I love Sapporo because it is clean and refreshing. When it's served really really cold there are fewer beers that are better, especially when it is hot outside and you need some suds to cool your shit down.


Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Ale

Only brewed once a year, Sierra Nevada's Bigfoot Ale is a barleywine style ale that is very heavy, rich, and intense. It's too boozy for your average quaffer, and a sixer of it can seriously alter your perceptions. I buy a few cases each winter when it is released. A high quality product for sure.


Gordon Biersch Blonde Bock

I have probably drunk more Blonde Bocks than any other beers that fall into the "heavy" brew category. It is strong but smooth. I purchased it almost exclusively for about 5 years in a row because it was the best thing my local grocery store carried.


Molson Ice

This beer holds a special place in the Bagger's heart because it was released around the time when he turned 21. It is boozier than a regular brew at 5.6%, but still light enough to drink in high quantities. Heh heh. I haven't seen it in the stores for quite awhile. It does cause a significant hangover however as two turn to twelve rather quickly.


Piraat Ale

Another Belgian ale, Piraat is a very strong beverage indeed. A few of these can really sneak up on you. It will make you fight. In some ways they are smoother and easier to drink than fellow Belgian brews such as Chimay or Duvel. Piraat is a fantastic ale. It's expensive though.


Michelob

Don't laugh. This domestic lager is great. It doesn't seem to be on many stores' shelves, but I buy it when I see it. The bottle is shaped like a chick, which makes it a quality product.


Anchor Steam

Anchor Steam is another brew that holds a special place in my heart because of the past memories it invokes. The Bagger attended college in Northern California, so this San Francisco based brew feels close to home. The university I attended had a pub on campus which had 3 or 4 beers on tap. Anchor Steam was one of them...how cool is that?


Stone Old Guardian

Stone makes many great brews. The Old Guardian is a massively powerful barleywine that can really fuck up your shit. It is relentless, heavy, and extremely rich. It comes in big bottles so you're forced to consume a lot of it. Beware the demons it has the power to summon though...only those with great fortitude can handle the Guardian.





SHITTY AND OVER-RATED BEERS

The following are a few beers that are either shitty or extremely over-rated:

Grolsch

Grolsch is the skunkiest beer on the planet. It is completely shitty, and the unique cork can't help that fact.


Arrogant Bastard Ale

Arrogant Bastard Ale is the K-Mart of tough guy beers. It boasts being a beast, but for a seasoned pro like the Snoutbagger the 7.2% ABV is laughable, and hardly much of a bastard. Seven percent can barely be considered boozy when many ales are routinely 8-10% ABV. Your typical barleywine can beat up the Arrogant Bastard while it holds Budweiser's head under water.


Rolling Rock

Popular for some reason with yuppies and frat boys with their heads up their asses, Rolling Rock is swill. It tastes like rain water.


Smithwick's

Smithwick's is one of those beers that people think is good because it's served in Irish Pubs. It isn't really that special, and it lacks body and flavor.

Guinness Stout

Most will probably see this as blasphemy, but there is no greater example of the emperor having no clothes in the world of beer than Guinness. It is not particularly boozy as people generally think, and it doesn't really have as much flavor as people generally think. Most people who claim to love Guinness haven't really had much experience with micro brews, and they do so because they think it is what cool people do. It is by far the most over-rated drink there is.


Samuel Adams Boston Lager

The basic Sam Adams brew is not that good. Really. Think about it. It isn't that flavorful. It seems to be just what it is: a macro brew masquerading as a micro brew. It suffers from the same things most macro brews suffer from: limited taste, bland overtones, and watery consistency. It sucks.

There are obviously many more beers that could make both my favorite and shitty list. We'll leave it as it is for now. Now go grab your favorite beer and drink that fucker.

Heroin Eyes

A friend of the Snoutbagger once described what it felt like to use heroin:

"You know that feeling you get when you make eye contact with someone you have a crush on, and you lock eyes for an instant, and your stomach sinks and you feel a rush of endorphins surge through you? Being on heroin feels like that for four hours straight."

Singletary Must Go

The San Francisco 49ers were obliterated by the Chiefs today and fell to 0-3. The Niners are the Bagger's team, so he's pissed.


Mike Singletary

 Here's what I know:

 It is time for Mike Singletary to get fired.

I never really loved the Singletary hire, but I did give him the benefit of the doubt when he inspired the Niners to a few wins after Mike Nolan was let go. But now it is evident that Singletary must go. The problem isn't his desire or passion to win, it's rather that he just isn't that smart. 


Tom Cable: The New Generation
of Dumb Shit Coach

NFL teams more and more seem to be staking their futures in the hands of ra-ra type coaches who really don't have much of an idea of how to manage a team (see Herm Edwards for a good example of a dummy ex-coach/cheerleader). Oh yes they get fired up but these reactive head coaches never win consistently. This characterizes Singletary. Consider the NFL head coaches of the past who have won the Super Bowl. Most are cerebral, calm, and collective. Think of Bill Belichick or Bill Walsh. The recent coaches have this quality too. Sean Payton is obviously an intelligent coach. Mike Tomlin seems intelligent (though I think he was a bit more lucky than good the year he won the Super Bowl). Brian Billick has an amazing football intellect. Guys like Mike Tice, Lovie Smith, Tom Cable, Romeo Crennell, and Mike Singletary are just too dumb for the job.



Mike Nolan in his Stupid Suit

 I also don't like that Singetary wears a stupid wooden cross the size of a telephone pole around his neck. What the fuck is that? No one cares about your religion, Mike, especially when your team is getting the shit kicked out of them by 30 points. Mike Nolan's suits used to piss me off in the same manner. OK bro, ya we see you in your suit on the sideline and ya we know you are a throwback and all, but how stupid did he look in that suit with his team getting their teeth kicked in every week? If you are going to try and be different than others just for difference's sake you'd better win some games.

I also don't particularly care for the fact that Singletary has a stopwatch hanging around his neck. He appears to time plays with it or something. Stupid. How many NFL head coaches are wasting their time doing such ridiculous things? It's amateur hour. It's bush league. It seems like he's thinking, "The cameras will catch me with my watch and the people will see that I am an innovative coach and this is how I will make my mark." I am just waiting for the game announcers to comment on it. I'm sure Jaws and Chucky will be all up Singletary's ass about it: "And folks, notice that Mike Singletary hasn't lost touch with the rudimentary aspects of coaching. He's hands-on with that stopwatch. He's in the trenches with the players. That's why they love playing for him folks." Ya right. That's why they love flying across the nation to get the piss knocked out of them by the Chiefs.



Not Steve Young
Not Joe Montana
Not Jeff Garcia



The Niners have other problems too (a grossly inconsistent quarterback and an offensive line as tough as wet Kleenex to name a few), but the fish stinks from the head and Singletary must go.

At 0-3 the Niners' playoff hopes look dim. The fact that they play in the shittiest division in the history of sports could help though. But god dammit many thought they would win the West this year, including me (and I am ALWAYS pessimistic about their chances).

We'll see what happens next week after the Niners get waxed by the Falcons. Unfortunately NFL head coaches are never fired until it is too late.

The Mobius Quest

Far across the distance - that treacherous divide,
Is found that thing for which we yearn.

We seek the thing to quench our thirst,

But whence its found - our thirst returns.

Jonestown Revisited

Jim Jones

Everyone knows the term "He drinks the Kool-Aid." It refers to someone who follows an idea or directive blindly or in reference to someone who strongly believes in some cause. Most also know the term's origin; it refers to the Jonestown mass suicides that occurred in Guyana back in 1978.

The Jonestown phenomenon is absolutely incredible. Take some time to look into it for an instant dose of horrible feelings.

Many of the deaths were certainly murders rather than voluntary suicides, but the death toll was 918. Check out the pictures.

The Time magazine cover of the steel tub used to mix the cyanide and Kool-Aid is intolerably disturbing.

It is amazing that the search for the one thing humans covet over all else - meaning - can lead us astray to catastrophic ends. The Jonestown events are ample evidence that the hearts of men are filled with dark places...

Worst Date Movies

Bad Lieutenant

Gummo

Dangerous Game

Barfly

The following movies are without a doubt questionable choices for you and your lady on a date...

Deliverance

In The Company Of Men

Bully

Blue Velvet

Boys Don't Cry

The Ice Storm

Kids

Happiness

Man Bites Dog

Leaving Las Vegas

Spanking The Monkey

Requiem For A Dream

Taxi Driver