Sports Commandments

The Snoutbagger hates when people say stupid things about sports, or do stupid sports-related things. It seems that every day something happens in the world of sports that makes me shake my head in disbelief, whether it is a quarterback blabbering clichés like "anything can happen on any given Sunday when two teams give 110%," or a point guard claiming that "we just need to play our game." It is also infuriating when high level sports administrators do stupid things, such as when a team acquires an overrated player by sending a boatload of draft picks to another team ensuring the other team a future dynasty (you listening Minnesota Vikings?).

Closer to home, the Bagger gets quite perturbed when others spew their misguided opinions about sports at him, whether they have incorrect information, misinterpret statistics, or simply have an opinion about their favorite team that is obviously ridiculous. My friend the Turd agrees with this; both of us deal with idiots like these every day.

Here's an example: I recently overheard two nimrods in a bar arguing about the Lakers and what they should do before the trade deadline. They were misinformed, obviously had no inclination about how the NBA salary cap works, and were simply saying useless things like "the Lakers just need to get Tim Duncan or Chris Paul." Their idiocy came to a head when their debate devolved into an argument about...and I can barely type this without wetting myself...the year one of them WOULD have graduated from high school IF he hadn't dropped out. The irony was so unreal I couldn't believe it. I knew upon overhearing this debate that one can never over-estimate the moronic depths some can attain.

So, in an attempt to save morons from themselves, I created 10 sports commandments all should follow. Do so and avoid being an idiot. I'll probably have an additional entry in the future that adds to this list, because while 10 commandments may have been enough for God and Moses, it surely isn't enough to keep today's sports fans in line.

Commandment 1: Thou shalt not have more than one favorite team in any respective sport.

People who say "The Dodgers are my favorite team, but I also like the Giants because I used to live in the Bay Area" are idiots. Even in this worst case scenario of two division rivals, claiming that one likes the Knicks in the Eastern Conference and the Lakers in the Western Conference is ridiculous. It's pretty simple: you get to root for one team per sport.

Commandment 2: Thou shalt not fill out more than one NCAA Basketball Tournament bracket during March Madness.

People who fill out more than one bracket with different combinations of winners and losers, then submit them to various pools and claim they filled out an awesome bracket when one of them inevitably wins can claim no rightful place as an intelligent sports fan. This is another simple imperative: everyone gets to fill out ONE bracket. You may enter multiple tournaments, but you cannot have different selections across tournaments.

Commandment 3: Thou shalt not say a basketball player has no skills because all he can do is dunk.

This used to bother me about critics of Shaquille O'Neal who claimed, "He sucks. All he does is dunk everything." News flash: the purpose of the game is to get the ball through the hoop. If you can eliminate all margin of error by stuffing it directly through it, you aren't limited in your ability, but rather the most efficient at it.

Commandment 4: Thou shalt not arrive to a baseball game in the third inning and leave in the seventh.

California fans are notorious for this (especially for basketball and baseball). If you are a fan, get your ass to the stadium before the national anthem and keep it there until the 27th out. Same goes for basketball: don't straggle in during the first TV time out when the cheerleaders are shooting T-shirts into the stands and then leave at the beginning of the fourth quarter.

Commandment 5: Thou shalt never proclaim that "I hope it is a good game" when a favorite team is playing.

When your team is playing you do not want to see a good game. You want to see a blow-out with your team kicking the shit out of the other team. People who claim they would rather see a close, interesting game instead of a massacre when their team is playing are not true fans. All games have more at stake than simply a win or loss. The great dynasties are held to the highest standards, and eking out wins isn't one of them. To be considered great, your team generally needs to win often, and win big. If you want your team to consistently be at the highest level, beating other teams by 2 in overtime just won't cut it.

Commandment 6: Thou shalt not be a fair-weather fan.

If you have a favorite team, then it is your favorite fucking team and you must follow them regardless of how good they are. Band wagon fans are the most deplorable creatures on the planet. Fans that jump on teams' bandwagons when they are winning are probably the same people who follow fashion trends such as wearing suspenders that dangle at the waist, wearing two different colored shoes, or buying Milli Vanilli's Girl You Know It's True. Even worse, fans that abandon their team for other teams who are currently winning are the bottom feeders of the sports world.

Commandment 7: Thou shalt not claim that soccer, golf, car racing, or other similar activities are not sports.

People who think the term "sport" somehow applies to certain activities while not to others have IQs of room temperature. This argument serves no purpose, does nothing to raise or lower the legitimacy of any activity, and does not increase the reputation of those activities deemed appropriate to be considered sports. Even if it could somehow be proven true that golf is not a sport, what would that mean? That it isn't as good as football? All such notions are subjective anyway. Deconstructions of such activities show that they share more similarities than differences, so arguments about why an activity isn't a sport is futile (in golf one tries to physically move a ball from one location to another in the most efficient way possible; in football one tries to physically move a ball from one location to another in the most efficient way possible - how different).

Commandment 8: Thou shalt not claim that golfers, curlers, dart players, or similar role-players are not athletes.

This commandment follows the same logic as above. Splitting hairs about what activity qualifies one as an athlete is a moronic endeavor. If the activity involves some sort of physical action that people vary in ability by, then those people that compete in that activity are athletes. End of story. One may argue that basketball players are more athletic than golfers, but to say one is not an athlete because they shoot a bow and arrow instead of run a ball over a line is simply incorrect, by any definition of the term. Arguing who is or isn't an athlete when no conventional definition of the term exists is a fruitless venture.

Commandment 9: Thou shalt not be a homer.

A homer - a term that is derived from "home team" - is a person who can't argue objectively about his or her favorite team, but rather sees them in a positive light regardless of circumstance. Homers often claim that a player on their team should have received an MVP vote over an obviously more qualified athlete on another team, or complain that the referees gave preferential treatment to another team when it is obvious to others it wasn't so. Other pitfalls of homers are that they tend to over-estimate the value of role players on their favorite team, often seeing bit-players as all-star caliber talent. Being a homer is a common problem for the idiot sports fan; intelligent fans know their team's relative quality amidst others and avoid being overly optimistic concerning their team's prospects of winning.

Commandment 10: Thou shalt not invoke the name of God after a win.

This pertains mostly to athletes. There is nothing on this green Earth as stupid as an athlete who proclaims that "I just want to thank God for this win" after a victory. This stupidity is compounded tenfold when the game in question is not a super-bowl or championship but rather a regular season match of some sort. Does such logic imply that God made the win so? If that is the case why play the game in the first place? If God did not make it so, did he know about the end result before the game started? If not just how powerful is he in the first place? Anyone ever read Oedipus Rex? Do we really need to return to the pre-destination/freewill debate that was settled by philosophers centuries ago? Are we really to believe that God gives a shit about a division II baseball team that just won their conference tournament? Avoid or be labeled a moron, as this is perhaps the most despicable behavior in all of sports.

The Modern Man

What is the essence of the modern man? How can we characterize the Michelangelos - the Rembrandts - the Renaissance men of the 21st century? The Snoutbagger began to ponder this as he recently came across a letter written in 1867 during the civil war from a soldier to his wife. To understand who the modern man is we first must know who he was. Let's examine the closing passage from the soldier's letter, which is probably indicative of the manner in which men of that era communicated with women:

My Dear Amanda...

...I must close for fear I do not get to send my letter off. Write often: I will get them some time. I will write every chance, do not be uneasy when you do not get letters, for when we are scouting around as we have been it is impossible to write or to send them off if we did write. Give my love to the old Lady and all the friends. My love and a thousand kisses to my own sweet Amanda and our little boys. How my heart yearns for thou that are so near and dear to me. Goodbye my own sweet wife, for the present. 

-As ever your devoted and loving Husband, J.C. Morris

After reading this you may think that chivalry has diminished over the years. Well, let's put it to the test! Let's compare the soldier's letter to an example of contemporary communications between man and woman, provided by alleged text messages from Eldrick "Tiger" Woods to mistress Joslyn James:

Tiger: I want to be deep inside you.

Tiger: I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you.

Tiger: Hold you down while I choke you.

Tiger: You are my fucking whore.

Tiger: Then im going to tell you to shut the fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise.

Tiger: I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth.

Just a bit different, huh? After reading Tiger's sordid sexts to Ms. James I contemplated, "What is the essence of the modern man?" After careful deliberation I identified some of the characteristics that define 21st century men. Let's take a look at 50 things that define the contemporary American male, in no particular order:

The modern man...

1. Prefers playing X-Box to reading the newspaper.

2. Flirts with girls prettier than his own girlfriend.

3. Pisses in his closet while blacked out drunk.

4. Asks friends to smell his fingers after a date.

5. Farts and blames it on strangers.

6. Complains to his girlfriend that she spent $40 on a pedicure while spending $150 on beer, tequila shots, and a 2:30 AM Taco Bell run later the same day.

7. Masturbates with his dog in the same room.

8. Tips half as often and half as much as valet parking attendants expect.

9. Steals flowers off someone's desk to give them to his girlfriend under false pretenses.

10. Tells a girl she has a nice body and then complains about her flat ass and saggy tits to his friends.

11. Secretly wishes for a birthday present of "not having to get anyone else birthday or Christmas presents for the rest of the year."

12. Doesn't tell a girl when a condom slips off.

13. Proclaims that a professional athlete who makes $12 million a year is a "worthless pieces of shit" and a "complete loser" when the athlete has a bad week in fantasy football, while personally making $38,000 a year working 70 hours a week as a claims adjuster for an insurance company.

14. Believes that the only ethical guidelines restricting him from banging his best friend's sister is how hot or ugly she is.

15. Cheats on an exam and ridicules someone in the same class who ends up getting a worse grade.

16. Discusses wedding plans with his fiancé while texting his mistress that he can't wait to piss on her the next time they fuck.

17. Immediately thinks of ways to convince a girlfriend to have an abortion when she claims she's pregnant.

18. Runs up a $500 bill in phone sex charges while drunk and calls the phone company at the end of the month to scream at the operator for "charging me with calls I never made."

19. Tries to get a girl to sniff her own fingers after she tells him "I can't believe I just masturbated in front of you."

20. Doesn't know how to do an oil change but can make a bong out of a cantaloupe.

21. Calls in sick to work on Friday and Monday because he went on a four day Vegas bender.

22. Believes his girlfriend is "good enough for now."
 
23. Only showers when the chances of getting laid are above 50%.

24. Tells his girlfriend that her best friend is a stuck up bitch 30 minutes after imagining having sex with the friend while jerking off.

25. Approves when a Black man gets beaten by police for narcotic possession while sitting at home high on marijuana and watching Cops.

26. Tells a girl that he just wants to put the tip in for a second.

27. Says "no" when his girlfriend asks him if he ever wants to have sex with other women but spends 3 hours a day surfing internet porn.

28. Tries to get a strip-club bouncer to give him a discount on a cover charge because the "chicks aren't as hot here as at other strip clubs."

29. Only obeys laws in fear of getting caught.

30. Gets drunk on Jack Daniels and tells his friend's wife that her husband is "really an asshole" and that "I always thought you were beautiful" and that "we should hook up if you guys ever get divorced."

31. Marks "4" on his scorecard after getting a triple bogie.

32. Tries to convince his girlfriend that a threesome with her friend "would bring us closer together."

33. Would rather watch Adult Swim than the evening news.

34. Uses brown paper bags to wipe his ass when toilet paper runs out.

35. Eats a large pepperoni pizza in front of his girlfriend when she is on a diet.

36. Pisses on the seat at a restaurant knowing someone outside the bathroom will use it next.

37. Prays to God that a girl he brings home will let him bang her; prays to God that she'll leave when he's done.

38. Laughs at a landlord who demands $600 as a security deposit knowing full well he will cause $10,000 in damages.

39. Eats a bag of shrooms 10 minutes before going on a blind date.

40. Tips a male bartender 6%; tips a female bartender 30%.

41. Smells his hand after wiping his ass.

42. Orders Domino's Pizza while drunk and passes out 5 minutes later knowing that his girlfriend who has been asleep for 5 hours will get up and pay for it.

43. Considers it a burden to call his mother on mother's day.

44. Has eaten a burrito, talked on the phone, jerked off, or brushed his teeth while shitting on the toilet.

45. Goes to a bar with his friends and then claims he doesn't have his credit card when the bill comes.

46. Orders porn on pay-for-view at a friend's house without telling the friend.

47. Secretly feels superior when his friend's girlfriend or wife is discovered cheating on him.

48. Goes to church on Sunday after spending $250 on lap dances the night before.

49. Has driven drunk 237 times but thinks someone who gets arrested for DUI is a loser.

50. Believes self-discipline and perseverance means to puke and rally.

80s Movie Smack-Off (Part 6)

It's time to continue the 80s Movie Smack-Off (see parts 1-5 in previous posts for details on round 1 and round 2 match ups). Brackets 1 and 2 have already completed round 2 and the winners wait in the Sweet Sixteen. We'll complete round 2 for both Bracket 3 and Bracket 4 here to see what the Sweet Sixteen will look like overall. Let's review the movies and their respective seeds for Brackets 3 and 4:

Bracket 3 (B. A. Baracus Bracket)

1. Caddyshack
8. The Princess Bride

5. Ghostbusters
13. Amazon Women on the Moon

6. The Goonies
14. Bachelor Party

7. Trading Places
2. Weird Science

Bracket 4 (Rocky Dennis Bracket)

1. National Lampoon's Vacation
8. Beverly Hills Cop

5. Raising Arizona
4. Three Amigos!

6. Zapped!
3. Ferris Bueller's Day Off

10. UHF
2. Sixteen Candles

Round 2 Results: B. A. Baracus Bracket

The first match in this bracket is between Caddyshack and The Princess Bride. This isn't a bad match up, though each appeals to a different audience (and both to me). It's likely that many who love The Princess Bride are generally disgusted by Caddyshack because it is such a slob comedy, but those people don't realize all the glory that is Caddyshack. Caddyshack is just perfect because the storyline is so stupid (this statement is NOT contradictory). The story is almost non-existent. Except for the final money match between Dr. Beeper, Judge Smails, Ty Webb, and Al Czervik, there really isn't much of a plot, and the money match was just put in to have some sort of closure. No, Caddyshack is simply carried by its murderers row cast whose interactions provide the basis for its raison d’être. Princess Bride is a nice little flick that is charming and funny (and has great characters), but Caddyshack is a behemoth. It's too 80s, it's too funny, and it's about golf. Golf is better than sword fighting. Caddyshack over Princess Bride, 64-47.

The next match is between Ghostbusters and Amazon Women on the Moon. This is a closer match than the previous one. Each of these movies is classically funny, Ghostbusters being the obvious favorite and higher seed. There is an upset on the horizon though, because the under-the-radar Amazon Women on the Moon is the tits. That's right. It...is...the...tits. Amazon shifts gears all over the place, and is as funny as ANY movie of this era. Ghostbusters is great, and it's unfortunate that it ran into Amazon Women, but it loses this match. Amazon Women on the Moon is one of the most underrated comedies ever, and it takes out Ghostbuster's eye and shows it to it. Amazon Women on the Moon wins by 7 and goes to the Sweet Sixteen.

The 6/14 match is between The Goonies and Bachelor Party. This is a very tough match to call, because each movie is so different. The Goonies is a better quality movie; it has an original story and compelling plot twists. Bachelor Party is pretty self explanatory: it's a party with a bunch of scummy drunk assholes. Each are probably equally indicative of the 80s zeitgeist, with Bachelor Party being symbolic of 80s excess and The Goonies emblematic of 80s racial stereotypes and youthful optimism. The Goonies is not as much of a comedy, even though Mouth and his buddies do crack some jokes throughout the movie. Bachelor Party gets the squeaker victory here due to staying closer to the main theme of the Smack Off - it is a pure comedy. Plus, Bachelor Party features a dude who puts his cock in a hot dog bun. 'Nuff said. Bachelor Party 54, The Goonies 51.

The next match up is between 7 seed Trading Places and 2 seed Weird Science. This has to be the closest match in this round since Better Off Dead vs. Back to School. Both Trading Places and Weird Science are completely awesome, and it will be tough to declare a winner. Trading Places is a better "movie" than Weird Science; it has a solid storyline which translates to any era. The rich vs. poor element is well done, exposing the hypocrisies of each very well. Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd are the perfect tandem, and they are at the top of their game. Weird Science epitomizes 80s teenage life: the mall, chicks, and house parties. Weird Science doesn't have nearly the sophistication as Trading Places, but it has all those intangibles that make 80s movies great. If one were to ask you, what are some of the best movies of the 80s, the chances are Weird Science would be on your tongue before Trading Places. Weird Science invokes more memories of the era, and is much more nostalgic. Weird Science also has a hotter chick (though Kristin Holby as Penelope in Trading Places is really hot as a secondary character - go back and check it out!). As tough as this match is, Weird Science gets the win by 1 in overtime, mostly because of its pure 80s characters, timeless humor, and typical "guy gets girl" theme.

Round 2 Results: Rocky Dennis Bracket

The first match in Bracket 4 is 1 seed Vacation vs. 8 seed Beverly Hills Cop. One movie for white people and one for the African Americans. Heh heh. Not exactly, but these movies are pretty different from one another. Vacation is a perfect motif of middle class life in 80s suburbia, and Beverly Hills Cop provides a venue for Eddie Murphy to be his usual 80s hilarious self. Murphy is absolutely awesome in Bev Cop, and as mentioned in the early round the younger generation probably doesn't realize how big a star he was. Vacation is a better movie overall, as the plot of Beverly Hills Cop is sort of lame. Most can identify better with Vacation (at least those who ever drove in a car with their family). Vacation gets the win here; it is just better from start to finish and doesn't suffer from the typical "OK were 110 minutes into the movie and now the laughs are over and we need to wrap up the story" issues as do many comedies (including Beverly Hills Cop). If you doubt the result of this match, I have one name for you: Cousin Eddie. Vacation wins by 9.

The next match is between Raising Arizona and Three Amigos!, two favorites of the era. Each is much sillier and light-hearted than many comedies in the Smack-Off, and each is super funny from start to finish (there is a bit of seriousness in each toward the very end, but that's OK). One might think that these movies are really close in terms of their quality, but they really aren't with careful consideration. Let's end the suspense: Raising Arizona is far superior to Three Amigos!. It just is. The dialogue and writing in Raising Arizona is masterful; Three Amigos! is just one of the many great 80s comedies. Raising Arizona is great for the reason that all Cohen brothers movies are great: its original, has an unreal script, and makes you see the world in a different way. Raising Arizona is absolutely perfect. The only way it will lose in the Smack-Off is if it runs into a movie that is as funny, is more indicative of the era, and somehow is a more significant nostalgia piece. That's a tall order, but guess what? The Smack-Off is filled with such movies, so we shall see...Raising Arizona 73, Three Amigos! 61.

The next match is between 6 seed Zapped! and 3 seed Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Scott Baio vs. Matthew Broderick. Unfortunately, this match is not nearly as compelling as the previous one. Zapped! has some great moments, which mostly appeal to guys (c'mon, how many girls really enjoy seeing shirts flying open to expose tits?). Ferris is one of the seminal 80s comedies though. It is one of John Hughes' best efforts, even considering the legion of great films he directed in the 80s. Ferris is still a part of Americana. Ben Stein's "Bueller?...Bueller?..." during roll call is entrenched in everyone's memories. No one remembers any lines from Zapped!. Regardless of memorable lines, Ferris is just a better movie from start to finish. It does get a little weird during Cameron's meltdown (I was never really sure what that was all about), and thus has some pretty dark moments. But, Ferris Bueller's Day Off represents what we all want, a perfect day away from the drudgery of our lives, and is still as fun to watch today as it was in the 80s. Ferris Bueller wraps up this game early in the second half and beats Zapped! by 25.

The last match of round 2 is between UHF and Sixteen Candles. One was very popular (Sixteen Candles), one very obscure (UHF). UHF is another of those movies that only has a cult following, and it isn't just because people haven't seen it. UHF is similar to Amazon Women on the Moon or Hollywood Shuffle, and features marginal acting with funny skits. The problem is, many people don't like that sort of thing. So, UHF is a tough sell to a general audience, but that doesn't mean it isn't great for those who appreciate it. Weird Al is funny, and Fran Drescher and Victoria Jackson are in it too. Sixteen Candles is another John Hughes masterpiece, and perhaps the most charming of all his movies. Sixteen Candles somehow rides the line between being a silly romp and a romantic drama. It does both very well, and most everyone who was a child of the 80s loves this movie. They should; it is one of the Snoutbagger's all time faves. Sixteen Candles is North Carolina; UHF is North Carolina State. Guess what that means? Yup, Sixteen Candles moves on the Sweet Sixteen.

That completes round 2! Caddyshack, Amazon Women on the Moon, Bachelor Party, Weird Science, Vacation, Raising Arizona, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and Sixteen Candles join Brackets 1 and 2 winners in the Sweet Sixteen. Check the bracket to the right to review the entire tournament standings to this point, and check back on April 5 to see how round 3 breaks down.

Worst Dungeons & Dragons Monsters

The Snoutbagger recently compiled a list of the 15 best Dungeons and Dragons monsters that appeared in the original Monster Manual, Monster Manual 2, and Fiend Folio. As promised, he now presents the 15 WORST Dungeons and Dragons monsters from the same era. Strap yourself in and try not to spit up on your monitor, here's TSR Inc.'s greatest misses:

15. Blindheim

The blindheim is not the stupidest creature in D and D, but it is certainly in the discussion. It is a frog that lives underground. It has "eyes that shine like searchlights." If one looks at you, you have to make a saving throw or be blinded. When you are blinded it attacks. There is virtually no description beyond this. The blindheim somehow is chaotic evil, which doesn't make much sense due to the fact that it is basically an animal. Nonetheless, this lame monster is somehow one of the evilest creatures in the D and D universe. It's so boring it is hardly even worth talking about. You just have to wonder the process by which TSR decided on its monsters. If the blindheim is one of the keepers, how lame were the ones left on the cutting-room floor?

14. Enveloper

The enveloper is included here mostly because of how dumb he looks. It is amazing how non-scary the illustrations were in early D and D monster manuals. The contemporary ones do not suffer this way, as even some of the lame monsters look pretty menacing. Look at this depiction of the enveloper, though. What the fuck? Nice face. It looks like a living turd. It has some interesting powers, mostly regarding its ability to fall on top of dead bodies and absorb their abilities. After absorbing you, it can get up and start talking in your voice. Sweet. There are lamer monsters (as we will see!), but the enveloper certainly ranks high on the WTF scale.

13. Cat Lord
 

The Cat Lord is a unique monster; as you probably guessed, he's the lord of all cats. The dude is actually really powerful (-9 AC, 90% magic resistance, supra-genius intelligence, and assorted cat-like abilities). El Gato Masculino can assume the form of any feline, small or great, and can summon a slew of his furry friends to aid in battle. The amount of creatures he summons depends on the type of cat he wants. He can summon 1000 domestic cats (not sure how intimidating a legion of Mr. Whiskers would be), or a few giant tigers. He's pretty lame, being another example of how TSR really began to reach in their attempts at inventing new and creative monsters. If they went here, I'm not sure why they don't have a Dog Lord. They could publish a manual filled with animal lords. Besides his general silliness, check out his appearance! He looks like the offspring of Dave Navarro and the Night Stalker (Richard Ramirez). Who decided on that look? Not sure if he wants to rape someone or scratch their eyes out. A weird addition, and definitely not one of D and D's best.

12. Galeb Duhr

The galeb duhr is lame for similar reasons that the ascomoid is lame (#8 on this list). It is a giant boulder-like creature with appendages and a face. Its main attack is to bowl over its prey. You don't really have to worry about them unless you are mountain climbing or hiking in a rocky area. If you are, they like to surprise you by rolling down on top of you. It's just an animated boulder. They are decently tough, but nothing special. They're just about as boring as the previous blindheim, and offer nothing in particular to any adventure. I can just see a dungeon master: "OK, as your party makes its way through the serpentine landscape a giant rock falls on top of your halfling thief...what do you do?" Player: "Uh, we move the rock and continue on." DM: "Sorry, the rock has hands and feet. It wants to fight." Player: "I think I've come to the point where I am going to trade in these all-nighter D and D sessions and try getting some pussy for a change. Later."

11. Ogremoch

Ocremoch is a unique creature from the Fiend Folio, and one of the elemental princes of evil. Ogremoch is included here simply because...TAKE A FUCKING LOOK AT HIM! He looks like the bastard child of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. He actually is extremely tough: -7 AC, 110 hit points, 85% magic resistance, psionic abilities, and 2 attacks per round at 5-50 damage each (1 punch = coma time). Forget about that though, his best ability is to make you die of laughter from seeing how stupid he looks. His description is "a rough, apparently unfinished bipedal form." While his form may be unfinished, The Snoutbagger knows what IS finished: the career of whoever created him.

10. Modron

Gary Gygax's daughter must have been playing with alpha blocks when he invented the modron for Monster Manual 2. Modrons come in variations and each type looks like a different abstract shape; some are spheres, some look like 2x4s, some like squares, and some like triangles. Each modron looks is silly as the one shown in the picture (some are even stupider). They are very lame and to top it off, they live under a rigid caste system on the plane of Nirvana under the rule of Primus the One. So, Nirvana is like ancient India I guess. Modron society is hierarchical with laborers at the bottom and judges and viceroys at the top. All of this must be crucial to the D and D universe because the modron description page is six pages long! You'd think with them being so important the D and D dudes could choose a more compelling physical form. They look like clip art. Modrons are totally bizarre, but not weird enough to be cool. Stupid 1, D and D 0.

9. Owlbear

The owlbear is easily one of the dumbest monsters in D and D. Most monsters in the first Monster Manual are pretty good, but this one is a big time loser. Virtually none of the monsters that simply combine facets of multiple animals are ever any good. The result is inevitably uninspired and lame. Just look at the picture! Even the illustration is ridiculous. "It's a bear...and a bird...run...I guess." Owlbears are decently tough opponents for low level characters; defeating just a few of them would be close to impossible for a 1-3rd level party, even though they don't really have any unique abilities. They perform just as you would expect: they peck at you with their beak or scratch you with their claws. Its one "special attack" is to "grasp a victim and squeeze and bite it to death." The description says that owlbears are "probably the result of genetic experimentation by some insane wizard." The Snoutbagger thinks it is probably more accurate that the editor who created it was going through a divorce and living in his car.

8. Ascomoid

Ascomoids look like giant golf balls. They are "puffball-like fungi" that move by rolling. One of its better features is that it can roll for a long time without getting tired (the Monster Manual 2 actually says that!). They attack by rolling over opponents. An ascomoid attack must be like Woody Allen in Sleeper when he tries to crush his attackers with that inflatable rubber suit Diane Keaton tricks him into wearing. Ten bucks says that Yakety Sax starts playing during its fights. It spits gas spores too which can kill you if you inhale them. The description also says that the ascomoid "has no mind by ordinary standards." If that is so, it must be an autobiographical creation.

7. Obliviax (Memory Moss)

Obliviax, or memory moss, is one of the silliest creatures in the Monster Manual 2. One can really see a drop off in originality while perusing the monsters created after Monster Manual 1, and obliviax moss is another example of them really stretching to find something new. Memory moss is an "evil black moss" (scary!) that has the power to steal memories from others. If it is lucky enough to steal a wizard's memories it might be able to cast some spells at you. It can't attack other than that. If your memories are stolen, the only way to retrieve them is to EAT the obvliviax moss. I'm not making this up. A saving throw determines whether you get your memories back or whether you start puking moss. Who knows how one knows their memories are sucked away since they obviously have no memory of them. Obliviax: a swing and a miss.

6. Stench Kow

I can barely write this entry without pissing myself. "Stench kine [sic] are the cattle of the Nine Hells." Stinky cows? In hell? Let's examine them closer: they are immune to cold, fire, and poison. Here's their best attack: if you get close to them you have to make a saving throw vs. poison due to "the odor of their breath and body." If you fail the saving throw you react as if a hobo shoved his underwear in your face. Stench kine (can barely type that without laughing) aren't tough other than that. I can just imagine the brain storming session during TSR's production meeting: Gary Gygax: "Does anyone have anything good for the new Monster Manual?" Assistant Editor: "OK, how about a cow that lives in hell." Gygax: "Um, well, OK. What are its powers?" Assistant Editor: "It smells bad." Gygax: "Alright, let's bump the syphilis swine in favor of the stench kow." So bad!

5. Ixitxachitl

I have an idea, let's just use an animal that already exists in the world and give it a name no one can pronounce. That can be a monster, right? Wrong. The ixitxachitl is the unpronounceable version of...a sting ray. Oh wait, an intelligent sting ray (my bad). What makes the ixitxachitl more than a ray? They attend church! They're clerics! They are total pussies overall (AC 6, 1+1 hit dice), but if you encounter 10 of them at once...get ready...one will be able to cast spells at you like it were a second level cleric! A second level cleric basically has 2 first level spells, and first level cleric spells are next to useless. Your GPS is more useful. A $10 hooker with a penis is more useful. This basically means it can cast light, detect good/evil, or create water (which is ironic since it lives in water). Killer cleric stingrays are perhaps the dumbest juxtaposition ever in D and D. Its description says that "discovering an ixitxachitl lair is difficult, for they are hidden by a secret entrance." Finding their lair is probably half as difficult as understanding why TSR created them in the first place.

4. Carbuncle

The carbuncle is "similar to an armadillo with an 'armoured' upper surface of small interlocking 'plates' of tough leathery skin." Interesting how the Fiend Folio uses this description to distinguish the carbuncle from a normal armadillo; what the fuck is the difference? It feeds on leaves and small insects (sounds intimidating). Check this out: it has a ruby set on its head. Wizards can coax one to give up its gem by casting charm monster on it, then the gem can be sold. Captivating. The carbuncle also has telepathic powers. It can talk to you...in your mind! Here's the kicker: "if attacked, it puts up no resistance and is easily captured...it can will itself to die." What the fuck it that? Somehow this stupid thing has a neutral alignment with "evil tendencies." Who knows what TSR was thinking here. Seems like they had a think tank filled with monkeys on LSD.

3. Lava Children

Lava children are another ridiculous monster found in the Fiend Folio. they are the "unnatural offspring of a union between spirits of earth and fire," which is so vague it is utterly meaningless. Definitely an unflushed turd here. They are subterranean humanoids which have a "curious child-like appearance" and a "permanent smile on their faces." It actually says that in their description! So, you basically are fighting a troglodyte that looks like Alfred E. Neuman. They are immune to metal, and swords just pass right through them. Lava children are creatures that must have been inspired by a TSR editor who forgot until the last minute that he was responsible for editing the L section of the Folio, passing the assignment along to the interns. Very lame.

2. Flail Snail

This monster is so stupid it is unbelievable. A SNAIL with a bunch of morning star tentacles? Really? What's next, the butt-plug slug? This entry must have been the result of TSR's staff having serious coke habits. I have an idea, how about killer kittens, purgatory puppies, or a chickenlich? If I encountered one of these in an adventure I would accuse the DM of making shit up as he went along. Flail snails are 8 feet tall, and "utter pitiful wailing cries" when they are close to death. It is magic resistant too, which makes no sense because few creatures in D and D are magic resistant (except demons and devils and other powerful creatures), and animals of any kind virtually never are. It's like they had to do something for people to take it seriously. This monster is so silly it is embarrassing.

1. Al-mi'raj

Here we are, at the end. And the award for the lamest D and D monster goes to...the al-mi'raj (the what?). What else is there to describe other than it is a bunny rabbit...with a unicorn horn. It can fight though! It "will stab with its horn, its nimbleness giving the horn damage potential of...a dagger" (1-4 points of damage). A fart could do worse damage. Maybe they included it because of its "acute sense of smell" and "sharp eyesight." If they thought the name would make it appealing they were sorely mistaken. I'm curious as to why they didn't include the terrible toaster, sinistar socks, or smelly snatch as well. Just look at the picture. What more is there to say?

80s Movie Smack-Off (Part 5)

It's time for round 2 of the 80s Movie Smack-Off (see parts 1-4 in previous posts for details on round 1 match ups, and here for the current standings). We'll run through both Bracket 1 and Bracket 2 in this entry. The winners of round 2 go to the Sweet Sixteen! Here are the round 2 match ups and their corresponding seeds:

Bracket 1 (Haim/Feldman Bracket)

1. Revenge of the Nerds
9. Can't Buy Me Love

5. Better Off Dead
4. Back to School

6. Police Academy
3. Stripes

10. The 'Burbs
2. The Money Pit

Bracket 2 (Gag Me with a Spoon Bracket)

1. Fletch
9. Robocop

12. Hollywood Shuffle
13. Summer School

6. Teen Wolf
3. Airplane!

7. Spaceballs
2. The Naked Gun

Round 2 Results: Haim/Feldman Bracket

The first match of round 2 is between 1 seed Revenge of the Nerds and 9 seed Can't Buy Me Love. At this point we're going to see some great movies taking a fall, as this match will show. In addition to Nerds' strong points listed in round 1, we also should remember that Nerds featured Playboy Playmates. Oh, wait, that criterion won't do us much good because Can't Buy Me Love features Playmates too. Yep, Lisa Welch was in Nerds and Devin Devasquez was in Can't Buy Me Love. Some of you smarties might remember that Can't Buy Me Love features a young Gerardo of Rico Suave fame. He's actually pretty cool in the movie. Moving on, both these movies are great for different reasons; Nerds has more hilarious moments, Can't Buy Me Love gives hope to high school dorks everywhere. I am convinced that the strategy Ronald Miller employs to get Cindy Mancini would work in most cases. Women, more than men, use social comparisons when choosing mates; if a girl thinks that other girls think you are good looking, you'll have a fine shot at bagging her...maybe even snoutbagging her (heh heh). That's why for guys the more girls you are with the easier it is to get more girls. It's the one counter-intuitive truth dudes with no game don't understand. Now that you know how the game works, we can leave Can't Buy Me Love behind. Revenge of the Nerds gets the squeaker win here, which pains the Snoutbagger because Can't By Me Love is one of his all time favorites, but the most unbiased judgment has Nerds as the better movie. It's more 80s, it's funnier, and the Adams Atoms move on to the Sweet Sixteen.

This match up between #5 Better Off Dead and #4 Back to School must be the most difficult of all pairings in round 2. Can we just have each movie move on? We'll, they deserve to, but they can't. The winner of this match by a point in six overtimes is...(Hey, it's possible - Syracuse and UConn had six in last year's Big East tournament!)...Better Off Dead! Some of you just spit up on the computer screen, I know. I feel like a student in Professor Turguson's (Sam Kinison) history class after saying something stupid: "Well...I didn't know you wanted to get involved in the discussion Mr. helper!" How can Back to School only win one game in the Smack-Off? By meeting Better Off Dead in round 2, that's how. While Back to School is as watchable today as it was twenty five years ago, even the triple lindy isn't enough to beat Better Off Dead. There is just so much in Better Off Dead that is awesome. Charles DeMarr (Booger from Nerds) is great as the small town drug addict always looking for better doobage, and Roy Stalin (Aaron Dozier)? He's on the same level as Stan Gable from Revenge of the Nerds in terms of raw awesomeness. How about Lane Myers' boss, the Pig Burger dude? How hot was Chris Cummins (Tina Littlewood) when Lane slipped and ripped her clothes off? Back to School is great, and is probably Rodney Dangerfield's best starring role (I love how he hands out money to everyone in his movies), but Better Off Dead is the pinnacle of an 80s comedy. The remaining field should beware; beating it will be next to impossible. As painful as it is to see Back to School head back to school, Better off Dead moves on to round 3.

The next match is Police Academy vs. Stripes, two heavy hitting seminal 80s comedies. Let's consider how awesome the characters in both were. In Police Academy, George Gaynes takes time off from being Punky Brewster's dad to play Commadant Lassard, and he has "many, many, many" fine moments, including receiving a blow job while giving a speech at a podium. David Graf is awesome as Tackleberry, and Donovan Scott is great as Leslie Barber. There are more examples, but these secondary characters are hilarious. Stripes has great secondary characters too, including Conrad Dunn as Psycho and John Candy as Ox. It's a push as to who is better in the lead role, Steve Guttenburg or Bill Murray (most would probably say Murray, but I don't see a huge difference between the two in these movies). While both are solid representatives from the era, Police Academy gets the win 83-76. Police Academy's depth of characters goes deeper, and it just edges out Stripes.

Two Tom Hanks movies round out the Haim/Feldman bracket. The 'Burbs (#10) is sillier than The Money Pit (#2) and tries harder to be funny, but The Money Pit is just great because of all the shit that keeps going wrong with the house. Hanks is equally good in both. The 'Burbs has a better cast of cool characters, even considering the unreal scuminess of maestro Max Beissart (Alexander Gudunov) in The Money Pit. The creepy neighbors in The 'Burbs are classically weird, and The 'Burbs is just fun to watch. One disturbing thing about The Money Pit regards the part where Anna (Shelley Long) thinks she fucked Max when she was blacked out drunk. She didn't, Max just let her believe it was so for awhile. What always disturbed me was the fact that Anna didn't doubt that she fucked Max. Uh, yikes. That might be troublesome for me if she were my wife! Whore or no whore, Money Pit gets the edge here, because it is a higher quality movie overall. Money Pit wins by 10.

Round 2 Results: Gag Me with a Spoon Bracket

The first match in Bracket 2 is between Fletch and Robocop. This is closer than most would assume. Fletch is a much more obvious choice because it was a bit more popular and featured a star from the era. Robocop however has so many subtle moments it can't be beaten easily. How about when Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood Smith) says "Bitches leave" when he enters Bob Morton's house? Bob exclaiming that "God I love intelligent women" while snorting coke off a chick's tits is classic too. And how about Boddiker's cast of cronies? They are priceless. Robocop is really underrated and is fantastic from start to finish. But...Fletch is Fletch. Chevy Chase asking if he can borrow Gail's (Dana Wheeler-Nicholson) towel because his car just hit a water buffalo is awesome. How about Chase as Mr. Poone: "God I admire you...". Fletch is great because it works on two levels: a silly ridiculous comedy and a pretty good story as well. The story in Fletch is not distracting at all, and Chevy Chase's antics somehow mesh seamlessly. Even though Robocop makes a late run, Fletch shoots 58% from the field and secures the win in a slow-down, clock managed game, 57-53.

The next match up is between underdog 12 and 13 seeds Hollywood Shuffle and Summer School. Both are relatively low budget niche pieces, charming, and highly reflective of the era. Both are equally funny; Hollywood Shuffle is more original. There is something about Summer School that is great though. It is far better than the sum of its parts. The acting is mostly shitty, the characters are awkward at times, and the plot isn't any better than your average after school special. But, Summer School keeps me coming back again and again. It's just great how scummy Freddy Shoop is in the midst of all of it. His relationship with Vice Principal Gills (Robin Thomas) is awesome, and Summer School never runs out of steam. It is funny throughout. Hollywood Shuffle suffers the upset here while Summer School runs the weave offense throughout the game. Baffled and confused, Hollywood Shuffle loses 47-43.

Teen Wolf should enjoy its first round win, because there is no suspense here, and absolutely no upset. Airplane! is to Teen Wolf what Barney's department store is to Wal-Mart. Teen Wolf is great, and uber-indicative of 1980s pop culture, but Airplane! is simply one of the best comedies of the past 50 years. This match is a slaughter, and not much more needs to be said. Cinderella's slipper shatters and Teen Wolf loses by 54 points. Airplane! to the Sweet Sixteen.

The last match of Bracket 2 is between 7 seed Spaceballs and 2 seed The Naked Gun. This match is closer than the last by far, and each movie has many memorable scenes which aid in their defense. The characters in Spaceballs are really good, but the fact that it is a parody of another movie knocks it down a bit in terms of originality. The Naked Gun is carried by Leslie Nielson, even though Ed Hocken (George Kennedy) is great as his side kick. Ricardo Montalban (Vincent Ludwig) is fantastic to, and Priscilla Presley actually shows some comic ability (she's pretty hot too). I love the line Ed gives to Frank in the beginning of the movie concerning Frank's woman who recently left him. Frank asks Ed if he knows anything about her new boyfriend and Ed replies, "Not much - just that he's an Olympic gymnast and its the best sex she's ever had." So great. Spaceballs is very funny in the classic Mel Brooks style, but Naked Gun soars above it overall. Naked Gun is just too damn funny, and it never, ever ever ever gets old. I've seen it dozens of times and I hope to see it a dozen more. Naked Gun beats Spaceballs 63-52 and moves on to round 3.

Alright, round 2 is completed for Brackets 1 and 2. Revenge of the Nerds, Better Off Dead, Police Academy, The Money Pit, Fletch, Summer School, Airplane!, and The Naked Gun are all in the Sweet Sixteen. The competition is amping up and getting fierce. Great movies have already fallen, and more will fall next week as we run through Brackets 3 and 4 to complete round 2. Check back on March 29 to see how movies in the B.A. Baracus and Rocky Dennis brackets fare.